Stop snooping. Stay caring
Q. My girlfriend of six years and I recently started living long-distance, as she moved across the country.
Yesterday she went out with a friend. She came home really late. She’d previously told me that she’s only hung out with one female friend.
I later discovered by snooping (which I know I shouldn’t do) that she was with a group of people. When I inquired more about what she was doing, she repeated the original comment, which was a lie.
She’d met another of her girlfriends who brought a few guys with her.
She maintained the lie and even offered to show messages to prove it. Either she thought I’d be mad at her, or she lies about other things as well….
A. When a relationship changes to a longdistance situation, it’s natural to worry if anything else is different.
Much depends on why she moved so far away, if it was a mutual decision and if you plan to visit each other periodically to stay connected in person.
If you don’t feel secure why she’s there and what she’s doing, you’ll keep worrying and wondering. Snooping makes it worse, because you think you’ve caught her in a lie. Maybe you did, or maybe she just didn’t want you to get jealous over nothing important … as in some guys showed up. Stop snooping. Stay caring and interested in her life there. Don’t ask about her every move or you’ll sound jealous and insecure.
If you do suspect other “lies,” ask her what’s going on. Suggest you meet up in one city or the other.
What is normal?
Q. I’m 52. He’s 50, both divorced. I’m considered fun and attractive. He’s attractive and reserved. I have teenagers who live with their father. We’ve been cohabitating for two years, with regular ups and downs where I convince myself that it’s “normal” and I expect too much.
We keep separate bedrooms (his wish), have sex (maybe) once a month. He doesn’t demonstrate his affection often (he thinks picking me up after work and doing the laundry shows his feelings).
I’ve said that I need more affection and intimacy. He responds that I’m comparing him to past lovers. Should I run — or keep working at this? Is this normal for a healthy male of 50?
A. What’s “normal?” Not only are people essentially different, but they also relate differently, have differing libidos and come from varied emotional backgrounds in how they were raised, what were their role models for affection and intimacy, etc.
Ultimately, it’s about what you can live with or not.
One obvious choice is for you to leave. Maybe you’ve done that before in relationships or had it done to you. Running gets rid of the little-intimacy problem. But doesn’t necessarily help you get into a better, more satisfying relationship.
If you care about this man, respect him, and enjoy his company, then suggest counselling together to try to make it work. Or, go on your own to probe why you decided to live with him, and whether your expectations and efforts with him or others are helpful toward your finding a long-term partner.
It’s not your place
Q. Our younger son’s an usher at his best friend’s wedding. The groom’s been close to our family for 18 years.
Our eldest son won’t be allowed to bring a date because it isn’t a “serious” relationship! I asked the bride what’s “serious” — one month, two? Her reply: She’d ask the groom. Am I wrong to have expected my son’s invitation would include “a guest”?
A. When it comes to weddings, sensitivities are high, costs are higher, and the matter of a “plus one” invitation is often a sore point for someone or even a few guests.
But, it’s your son’s matter (and that of his girlfriend). His brother could question the groom as they’re closer friends.
Or if he knows circumstances such as a large family contingent, limited budget, etc., he could explain these to his brother. It’s not your place to run interference. Feeling “slighted” puts a pall on the event for everyone.