’Hey, Cold Case guy!’
Jeremy Ratchford and the perils of celebrity
As I walk into the bar on the top floor of Waterloo’s Huether Hotel, I spot Jeremy Ratchford — international star of stage, screen and a once ubiquitous Crispy Crunch commercial — singing showtunes to the waitress.
“Who makes my heart beat like thunder,” he croons, mimicking a song from the 1963 Elvis Presley flick “Fun In Acapulco.” “Who makes my temperature rise?”
With salt and pepper hair and a snow white goatee, he looks older than the last time we met, at a CBS party during the 2007 TV critics tour in Los Angeles.
Then at the height of his fame on the Top 20 crime drama “Cold Case,” the down-to-earth Canadian — never one to let success go to his head — jokingly described himself as anonymous, “like the drummer from Aerosmith.”
Still, it was a big deal, a Kitchener native starring in a bona fide U.S. hit — as crusty detective Nick Vera — before the show was unceremoniously axed around the time Charlie Sheen melted down and CBS’s legal bills went through the roof.
Life has run at a slower pace since then, with guest spots on shows like “Hawaii Five-0,” “NCIS” and a critically acclaimed indie flick, “Small Town Crime” (currently on Netflix) as the boisterous character actor grappled with the end of his marriage and — echoing a long-ago sitcom — life as a single dad to three boys.
Hard times? You would never know it as Ratch, animated and ebullient as ever, regales the Huether staff with riotous tales of his exploits as a bartender at this same venue in the early ’80s, when “they had a Springsteen cover band and no one came.”
When his three sons file in for lunch midway through our conversation, I’m surprised to find they exude the same unassuming folksiness as their Fred MacMurray-goes-to-hell patriarch, who visibly softens when they seek his attention.
“If my friends see him on TV, he’s usually playing someone big and grouchy or a demented hit man,” notes Dexton, 14, who clearly dotes on his dad.
“In real life, he’s a gentle giant.” As they politely order from a menu a few tables away, Ratch — between periodic bouts of crooning — fills me in on his life, career and the magic pixie dust that draws him back to Waterloo Region on a regular basis.
Is it my imagination, or does the gruff rasp you perfected on “Cold Case” seem even gruffer now?
It all depends on what time of day it is and how much I’ve been talking. Friday night after midnight I start to sound like Tom Waits.
You once told me people would see you on the street and shout “Hey, Cold Case guy!” Does that still happen?
My shocking white goatee throws them off the scent. More times than not it’s my voice that triggers people’s memories.
Why not dye it black and pretend to be 20 years younger?
It’s too much work. Plus it never looks right. And there’s nothing worse than someone trying to look 20 years younger.
How often do “Cold Case” fans confuse fiction with reality?
I broke up with my wife on the show and people come up to me and say, “I can’t believe you treated your wife that way!”
The show went off the air in 2010. Is this still happening?
People ask me if it’s still on. I go, “Uh, it’s been done for eight years and you’re watching reruns.” But they don’t know that.
When you walk down the street, how close is it to The Beatles in 1964?
There was a sales clerk at a sports store who was like “Omigawd!” then got on the phone and said, “Hey Dad, it’s the white guy from ‘Cold Case!’” ... (laughs) ... “the white guy.”
Not to be morbid, but how likely is it that we’ll see “Cold Case Guy!” engraved on your tombstone?
You’re assuming I want a tombstone. I don’t. And that would be the last thing I’d put on it. I want my ashes packed in fireworks and from dust to dust I’ll be in the wind.
Fireworks? No offence, but I think you’re missing an opportunity.
I can’t fathom being buried and, except for the one or two times someone may feel the need to stop by my gravestone for a chat, I’d rather be with them in memory every time there’s fireworks going off.
You’ve faced dramatic life changes since we last spoke. What’s it like to be a single dad to three boys under 15?
It is an insane, never-ending answering of questions: Who was that on the phone? How do you know him/her? Where do they live? What’s their name? How long have you known them? Do they have any kids? Can I have some money? Do we have any cookies? I’m hungry, what’s for lunch? What are we doing today? All that before I’ve even answered the phone.
At peak fame on “Cold Case,” you compared yourself to the drummer from Aerosmith. Have things changed?
Same same. The gigs aren’t as constant but the people who love the drummer never forget his solos.
Ever consider an upgrade to lead singer?
Did I save a life? Did I cure a disease? I don’t want to be the guy they ask “Why did they build a statue?” I want to be the guy they ask “Why didn’t they build a statue?”
A Ratchford statue — I wonder what that would look like?
Just some handsome devil wearing a fedora in a park somewhere for pigeons to poop on.
In 1992, you had a minor role in the Oscar-winning Clint Eastwood western “Unforgiven.”
(Laughs) ... I don’t recognize that kid anymore.
Last year you worked with another Oscar winner, Octavia Spencer, on the acclaimed indie flick “Small Town Crime.” Who are you, Forrest Gump?
It’s funny. People are people. I played bass guitar for a song with Bob Dylan. That was pretty cool.
What, you played bass guitar with Bob Dylan?
The movie was called “Hearts of Fire” (1987). Bob Dylan plays a famous recluse who discovers a young lady singing in his local watering hole. He’s so taken with her voice that he stops at nothing to make her a star. I play the bass player of her first band. Dylan took the stage and we did “I’ll Have The Usual.”
Is this a made-up thing? Do you have any evidence?
I have a picture somewhere of all of us on stage with Dylan at the mike. The problem is that it was cropped so that only my left hand on the top of the bass can be seen. The rest of me is off camera. HA.
You once joked about pitching a “Cold Case” episode based entirely on the music of ’70s chart-toppers Three Dog Night. Are you as outraged as I am that the Most Awesome Band of All Time doesn’t get the recognition it deserves?
I always had a soft spot for Three Dog Night because of Jeremiah was a Bullfrog (“Joy To The World”). Hoyt Axton, baby.
I also wanted a Neil Diamond episode because it could span the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s and 2000s.
After decades of success, why do you not have a swelled head?
The problem with getting a swelled head is that you keep having to buy new hats. I like my hats just the way they are.
I say “decades of success,’’ but really, what can possibly top your 1989 Crispy Crunch commercials?
That was an insane campaign. That chocolate bar went from 12 to No. 1. Kinda hard to top that kinda commercial success.
Kathryn Morris, your “Cold Case” co-star, has four-yearold twins. Do you confer with her about child-rearing?
She and I talk all the time about what’s best for the lads. Five boys between us. She hooked us up with a summer camp last year. My eldest did community service to apply to his high school credits and my little men did ‘vaulting’ on horses.
Series pitch: Jeremy Ratchford and Kathryn Morris play former cop show co-stars who live near each other and discuss parenting issues.
Might work as a podcast?
Your kids seem unusually well mannered. Did they come from central casting?
HA. There is no better feeling than being told your children are fine, upstanding, polite members of society. If you ask them, they will attribute it to their Canadian blood line.
Where did your eight-yearold get a vintage “JAWS” Tshirt?
From his Uncle Shan. Rev is all about sharks right now.
How is it you remember, word for word, songs from a KCI production of “Girl Crazy” you starred in almost 40 years ago?
I’ll go you one better: “Today I brew, tomorrow I bake, tonight the queen’s child I shall take. She doesn’t know, that foolish dame, that Rumplestiltskin is my name.”
Westmount Public School. Grade 4. First performance. Who knew?
In high school, you excelled at sports and musical theatre — which one had more impact?
I learned more about being a man in the choir than I ever learned on the football field.
The biggest influence on my high school career was Mr. Boothby — never had him as a teacher but he was the choir conductor and musically shaped all the major plays.
What do you miss most about Waterloo Region?
Harmony Lunch and Big John’s Submarines. They keep me coming back.
That’s it?
It’s a front porch community. People walk by and there’s a sense of “Hey, how are ya!” L.A. is spread out. The kids can’t just go to the community park and hang out. You don’t walk anywhere.
Why not move back?
You go where the work is. That’s the nature of the business.
You told me you’d be the perfect actor to play alleged sex offender Harvey Weinstein in a movie. Are you nuts?
I’m middle-aged and heavy-set. I’m perfect to play Harvey Weinstein.
Think of the optics.
The Weinsteins of the world should be thrown to the lions without media coverage. No hype, no fame — just a whisper and they’re gone. But I do love playing villains. The child catcher in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” was the best villain ever.
If “Cold Case” came back today, how would it be different?
Kathryn would be the head of the FBI. Thom and I would have a P.I. business called “Private Eyes Are Watching You,” with our jingle provided by Hall & Oates. Danny would have given up his cop life to follow his dream of organic magic. Tracy becomes the first female police chief of Philly. John — after an undercover operation — grows his hair out and plays bongos in a touring Grateful Dead cover band. Somehow we all reunite to discover if Elvis is still alive.
Every time I talk to you, Elvis comes up. What is this obsession with The King?
I’ve always said I wish my life could be like an Elvis movie. Just not one of the documentaries.
So what are we talking about, “Paradise Hawaiian Style”?
“Roustabout.” My second favourite is “King Creole.”
Tell me about the theatrical production you’ve been working on.
I’m part of a storytelling society, ‘You Tell Yours.’ I’ve done five live shows. I’m about to start shaping my life’s different events into a one-man show.
Other projects you’d care to mention?
Time to start writing my own ticket, baby. You can catch some of my storytelling at Youtellyours.com