Future me is ready for tomorrow’s woes
Hey listen, I am scared of climate change. I’m terrified of climate change.
I’m also scared of sharks, static electricity and cats that act all friendly because I know they will turn on me in a hot minute and sink their claws into my thigh, face or that squishy thing between my waist and my neck. I think it’s called my abs.
But I’m not here to talk about frisky cats. I’m worried about what global warming is doing to weather patterns — and by weather patterns, I mean beer. I’ve survived the “Storm of the Century” four times in seven years. I’ve seen devastating ice storms and blizzards and tremendous rainfalls. I own a generator, just in case. I’ve never owned a generator before. My parents never owned a generator. What would I need a generator for? I live four seconds away from my nearest neighbour and a brisk three-minute walk from the nearest Tim Hortons. If the lights go out, I think I’ll be OK.
Some of the big storms of recent years have made their way into my home. After a long history of having a house that did a pretty good job of keeping water and many, many bugs outdoors where they belong, we experienced a terrible flood several years ago. We were away, so it was discovered by the kid we paid to feed our cat. When he went to the basement to clean the litter box, it was floating.
It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but during this terrible event we were on a cruise. I got the news that our basement had transformed into a koi pond while heading to the lido deck for a limbo contest. The point is, we flooded — and we live in an area that had never been prone to flooding. This has made me a little jumpy when heavy rain is in the forecast. We have refinished our basement with cheaper and cheaper materials after each flood, and we keep anything of value up off the floor.
Things have been good lately. We took some measures to decrease the flood risk, but we still have some of our furniture perched on hockey pucks. Be prepared. That’s what we always say. That and, “Who touched the thermostat?”
If you’re not scared of climate change, and if the tragedy of my interrupted cruise doesn’t throw some fear into you, it should. Maybe you’ve never snorkelled in your laundry room, but climate change could be coming for you.
Recent headlines tell us that another climate change victim could be ... beer. Authorities no less than The New York Times and National Public Radio say rising global temperatures could cause barley shortages and, by extension, a shortfall in beer production leading to an increase in pricing.
Like, if this all happens in the nightmare scenario being painted here, the price of beer could double. I’m no math whiz but that means you could be paying two-four prices for a dozen cold ones.
But before you start building a Bud Light bunker or hoarding your Heinekens or caching your Coronas or stockpiling your Stella Artois, you should know the full story.
It seems we’re going to be OK. Brewers are ready. For example, one industry rep said brewers will adapt. If climate change impacts crops, they’ll do things differently. Even if livestock farmers try to feed our beer barley to their stupid cows or chickens or whatnots, it’s going to be all right.
As one grain production spokesperson told reporters, the answer is simple. “When extreme heat or drought threatens a crop on irrigated land, farmers can often simply apply more water, which can offset heat effects,” he said.
Why didn’t we know this before? Could The Great Depression have been avoided if settlers only knew to add water to their Dust Bowl?
I’m not sure how worried I should be about future me’s beer stocks, but just to “be prepared,” as we say, I might gather a group of Guinness, muster some Molsons and acquire some Alexander Keith’s. Better safe than sober.