I don’t make the rules, I just follow them

I have to follow the rules. I’m that kind of guy.

The deadline for this column. That’s a rule. If I didn’t follow it, some real news might actually fill this space.

I take the rules seriously. Written rules, unwritten rules, “Cider House Rules,” Ja Rule.

Without these rules, what are we? Rats? Rats who ignore the rules? Do rats even know what rules are? I feel like they might. They are very smart rodents and this was a terrible example to illustrate how civilization would collapse without rules.

Sometimes it feels like obeying the rules doesn’t pay off. Here’s an unwritten rule: when you’re parking on the street, you want to be efficient. You pull up as far as you can as a courtesy to other drivers who will also be looking for a parking space.

In front of my place, there’s room for two cars. I always make sure I park so another car can fit in. But sometimes I feel like no one else is following this unwritten rule. They take space for two cars and use it for one.

These people are called idiots. These people live by no rules. They probably lick the peanut butter off the knife, then dip it right into the jam jar. I don’t like these people.

Here’s a rule that I think might be a made-up rule.

I decided to treat myself to lunch the other day. I was in a rush to get back to work and called in a takeout order so I wouldn’t have to wait around.

When I got to the restaurant, it was raining so, being a lazy genius, I figured I would use the drive-thru. Hot food and a dry me seemed like a winning combo.

I pulled around to the drive-thru window and asked if I could pick up my takeout order. I was told “No,” and that I would have to park — in a special, designated “takeout” parking space — and go inside to get my food.

So I did. I am a rule follower. They must have a reason for this “no takeout at the drive-thru” rule.

I parked and went inside to the takeout counter. And guess what? The same person working the drive-thru left her post, came over to the takeout counter, took my money and handed me my food.

Sometimes following the rules works out better. Last weekend I sold a toy drone in an online yard sale. It cost $100 and I never used it once so I sold it for $20.

The guy who bought it wanted to make sure I was going to be home for a pickup because he had to call a cab. I don’t know the guy. I don’t know if he’s a single dad or unemployed or maybe he just doesn’t drive. I don’t know how much a cab would cost, but he didn’t need to add that to the price of this stupid drone. I told him I’d deliver.

That’s some golden rule stuff right there. I drove across town and the guy’s daughter was thrilled when she saw the drone. It was a hit and this guy was a hero.

I feel like I did a bit of a good deed. I guess I could have done a great deed if I had just given him the drone instead of taking his 20 bucks. Oh, well.

Anyway, payback was coming. My good deed paid off a few days later when I went shopping online and bought a used futon with three legs (technically it has four legs but one was snapped off ).

I hoped that I might be able to haul this thing home in my hatchback. Maybe the frame is light or maybe the mattress comes off. Maybe by sheer willpower, I can muscle the futon. I hoped so because I had no friends or family on hand to help.

Well, the thing was a monster. It’s the 500-pound futon. I was stuck. But the woman who sold it to me sent her fiancé to help me load it onto my roof racks.

It gets better. He followed me home and helped me lug it into my living room.

This was awesome. My faith is restored. People are sort of OK sometimes.

We’re not rats. Even me.