Things that get in the way of a deadline

OK, I’ve got some writing to do and a deadline so let’s get to it.

But first things first, coffee. Need to have a little jet fuel to get the brain in gear, the fingers primed for some super speedy, moderately jittery typing. We’ll fix the typos later.

Now we’re set. Man, that’s good coffee. I wonder what the bestselling coffee in Canada is? I’ll just Google it and find out ... Tim Hortons is No. 1. McCafe is No. 2. OK, that’s depressing. I wish I hadn’t looked that up. I think I’ll have a piece of chocolate to make myself feel better.

Time to get down to business. A little music will help me focus my thoughts. Where are my headphones? Not those headphones, the other ones. Ah yes, under all these papers on my desk. I should really tidy up a bit, organize my space so I can organize my thoughts. Ewwww, how long has this been here and why is stuck to the desk? I’ll have to get into the dishwasher without my wife seeing.

All cleaned up. Or as clean as it’s going to get, anyway. I’ll do the rest later. Now, where was I? Ah yes, music! Open up the iTunes ... Oh good, “the rental period for The Spy Who Dumped Me has ended.” There’s $4.99 of my money I should have just set on fire. I will click the “do not show this message again” button and hope that applies to the movie as well.

OK, got the tunes picked, here we go. Writing isn’t an art, it’s a craft: I need to take a workmanlike approach. Nothing fancy, just bang it out. We can polish it later. Make it sing. Or at least yodel. Maybe clear its throat politely. Either way, we don’t have to hit a home run on every swing, just a single will do. But you have to actually walk to the plate.

A walk! That’s a great idea. The dog needs to go out anyway and some fresh air will get the creative juices flowing. I’ll come back in a better frame of mind and the words will just magically appear on the page.

Er, not so much.

It took me forever to find my boots, hat, gloves, the right jacket (not one of the 13 in the closet), the dog’s leash, collar and poop bags (which I never did find). The dog found poop, however, rolling around in some deer feces (please, please let it be deer feces) in the forest area near our house. I got him cleaned up, sorta, but there’s a faint whiff of something nasty I just can’t shake ...

I did come up with a good idea, though, which is great because my deadline is really coming up fast. I even got the first sentence down.

“Hey Editor. Can I have an extension please?”

‘‘ Writing isn’t an art, it’s a craft: I need to take a workmanlike approach. Nothing fancy, just bang it out. We can polish it later. Make it sing. Or at least yodel. Maybe clear its throat politely. Either way, we don’t have to hit a home run on every swing, just a single will do. But you have to actually walk to the plate.