Under one roof
Three generations living in the same home is becoming more common
The reality is that a lot of families have the older generation providing child care, which can be a huge relief. SARA MACNAULL Program director at Vanier Institute of the Family
WATERLOO REGION — Xiaoru Luo wakes up at 6:30 a.m. to crack eggs into a frying pan in the silence just before dawn. The sizzle of the cooking breakfast crackles through his Doon home.
Each weekday morning begins this way for Xiaoru as he lovingly prepares breakfast for a family of six: his wife Biru Chen, his son Kevin, his daughter-in-law Yan Li and his two grandchildren, 14-year-old Phoebe and 11-year-old Feiyang.
The bustle of busy mornings soon takes over the house as school lunches are packed and teeth are hastily brushed.
After the two younger generations — the working parents and schoolbound children — leave for the day, Xiaoru and Biru spend a peaceful morning together before the afternoon brings more mayhem.
Like a growing number of families across Canada, the Luos live in a household with at least three generations under one roof. The numbers may seem small at 6.9 per cent of all Canadian households, or 2.2. million people, but multi-generational households are on the rise, according to the most recent census data from Statistics Canada.
“It is the fastest-growing household type, so people are noticing it more — but it’s not exactly a new reality,” said Sara MacNaull, program director at the Vanier Institute of the Family, a think tank that studies family trends.
Multi-generational households were more common prior to the Second World War, MacNaull said, but now those types of households are growing rapidly — by 37.5 per cent between 2001 and 2016, she said.
MacNaull said there are many reasons why multiple generations of a family may choose to live together. It could be a choice based on the nature of relationships between the generations, an issue of space or circumstance or even culture.
For the Luos, the decision to live together came out of a desire to keep the family close.
Xiaoru and Biru came to Canada from Sichuan province in China 11 years ago to be near their only son. Phoebe was a toddler then and the new grandparents didn’t want to miss out on watching their grandchild grow.
Kevin and Yan sponsored Xiaoru and Biru under the family reunification program, and the older couple moved in with them. It seemed like the right thing to do for everyone, but
it did not come without challenges.
“It was quite a big change for them,” Kevin said. His father can drive and he can read enough English to get by, but neither one of his parents can speak the language. It was a tough transition for the elderly couple, but the close living arrangement gives everyone a sense of assurance.
“It makes us feel more relaxed knowing they are safe. We don’t want to worry about them,” he said.
Kevin works at a local tech startup and Yan is a real estate agent, so they are often busy. Having another set of adults in the house means they never need to worry about child care.
Xiaoru and Biru are always around on days off from school. Feiyang and Phoebe also have a math and science tutor in their grandfather who often helps them with their homework. It is also a great opportunity to practise their mother tongue as Xiaoru tutors them in Mandarin. He also pitches in with drives to after-school activities. When the family goes on vacation, all six of them travel together.
Phoebe said she feels safe knowing her grandparents are always around when she needs them.
Unlike the typical North American nuclear household, Phoebe and Feiyang have always lived with their parents and grandparents. All of their memories include nainai and yeye, Mandarin for “grandma” and “grandpa” respectively.
“They spend more time with our kids than we do,” Yan said with a laugh.
Many people assume families live with older generations because an elderly parent needs care or attention, but that isn’t often the case, MacNaull said.
“The reality is that a lot of families have the older generation providing child care, which can be a huge relief,” she said. “It emphasizes the importance of their (the older generation’s) role.”
That is exactly how Xiaoru and Biru say they feel about living with their son and his family.
It feels like a “rebirth,” Xiaoru said in Mandarin as his son translated for him. “I feel very fulfilled living like this.”
Xiaoru and Biru are not just an extra set of hands around the house. Living with their family in Canada also allows them to do things they probably wouldn’t have done in China.
Xiaoru recently finished building a new deck in the backyard. Biru taught herself how to play the saxophone through YouTube videos and practises daily. Xiaoru and his wife are active in the Red Maple Seniors Club, a Chinese social group where they spend most of their Sunday afternoons. They are also keen gardeners.
The couple grows green beans and lush lettuce, plump tomatoes and fragrant Chinese herbs. Xiaoru does most of the cooking, so he often incorporates the fresh vegetables in his authentic Sichuan dishes. Every now and then, he will experiment with “Canadian food,” like pizza and frozen french fries.
It may seem like a great way to live, but not everything is harmonious in the Luo household.
Living like this comes with a lot of compromise, Yan said.
“It took us a long time to find a place for their vegetable garden,” she said.
“I didn’t want it in my backyard,” she said while laughing as she points to her immaculate oasis.
The grass is neatly mowed and delicate flowers line the fence. A shady gazebo shelters comfy chairs and a hot tub.
“We finally agreed to put it on the side of the house,” she said.
Xiaoru and Biru also make sacrifices. They enjoy spicy food, so instead of making separate meals they cook a spicy sauce to serve alongside their meals to satisfy everyone’s tastes.
“We both have to give up things to be able to live together,” Yan said. “We are from different backgrounds, and we have different ideas of how to do things.”
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On the other side of the region, savoury smells waft from Zaibun Khan’s kitchen in Cambridge. Zaibun’s daughter Safoora leaves the house to pick up her fiveyear-old daughter from school.
The other daughter stays home to help her mother prepare some snacks and tea for expected guests. Her elderly mother sits on a traditional Pakistani-style sofa with one knee pulled up under her chin and a loose scarf atop her head.
Eight people spanning four generations live under this roof: Zaibun and her husband, Pervez; their two daughters, Saadiya and Safoora; Zaibun’s mother, Shah Begum; and Safoora’s husband and two daughters.
“It is very common to live like this in Pakistan,” Zaibun said in Urdu. “It is in our culture to always have people in the house.”
Zaibun and Pervez came to Canada from Jhelum, Pakistan, as immigrants 36 years ago. Since then, their house in Cambridge has become the communal hub for all of their relatives across southern Ontario.
On any given weekend, Zaibun’s house is host to nearly 30 people. Kids squeal as they run around the vast staircase in the middle of the main floor.
Adults lounge in the living room as they sip tea and chat.
The kitchen pumps out traditional Pakistani food nonstop all weekend. It can be chaotic at times, but Zaibun wouldn’t have it any other way. Her husband jokes that her stove runs like one in the kitchen of a big restaurant.
“The bills are high with that many people coming and going,” she said. “But it’s OK. This is what we do.”
Pervez works at a local textile factory. Zaibun used to run a busy tailoring service from home, but she has retired and only sews for special requests.
For Zaibun, living with close ties to family is one way to hold on to her Pakistani roots and maintain her culture, traditions and languages, she said.
Her daughters were born in Canada and they can speak fluent Urdu and Punjabi, the family’s other native language.
As a grandmother, she is also adamant about teaching her grandchildren — second-generation Canadian Pakistanis — their language and religion as well.
Her youngest grandchild is only one-and-a-half years old, but five-year-old Anaya can speak Urdu and will often practise with her aunt, Saadiya.
It is more common for immigrant families to live with multiple generations under one roof, MacNaull said.
“There are some cultures where it is very much expected to take in older parents, for example,” she said.
Zaibun’s family is a perfect example.
Her mother has lived in Canada for decades and splits her time between her house in Cambridge and her son’s home in Milton. Lately, Shah Begum has been a fixture at her daughter’s house.
She is grateful to have been around to watch her grandchildren grow into adults and, in turn, raise children of their own. As an elder, her wisdom and opinions are critical to the family.
Shah Begum said it was shocking to her to learn that many seniors in North America don’t live with their children but in retirement communities or care facilities.
“It’s unfair to those poor people,” she said. “Their children should take care of them.”
She spent her time in a world where it was the norm for several families to live together.
One of her relatives in Pakistan lives in a massive house with 40 members of the same family under one roof.
•••
Family dynamics vary across cultures. MacNaull said for some families, the idea of living with older generations is ingrained in their values. Motives are not always cultural but could be for the sake of convenience as well.
Despite all the positive reasons families may choose to share a living space, there is also a darker side to the statistics. Sometimes families are forced to live together out of circumstance.
A young couple may move in with parents for a short while to save money to buy a house, or someone going through a separation or bankruptcy might move in with an adult child or with their parents temporarily.
“That adds to the complexity, which can make it really challenging, but I think families manage as best as they can,” MacNaull added.
When a situation of circumstances arises, families may not be prepared to live in close quarters, she said.
It’s important to have a comfortable amount of space to accommodate extended family, but that is not always feasible or affordable, she explained.
Zaibun’s family home in Cambridge has a basement apartment and four bedrooms in the main part of the house. They used to rent the basement apartment for extra income, but her daughter’s family of four now live there.
The Luo family moved into a bigger, four-bedroom house five years ago to accommodate their growing children.
Pooling resources can be a benefit to everyone involved, MacNaull said. It means a family might be able to afford a larger house and the higher utility bills that come with more people living in one house.
She said families are becoming increasingly more diverse across the country and she can only see this trend continue to tick upward. “As people are living longer, I think we will see this type of household will increase, and it won’t be assumed that people are living like this out of cultural expectations.”