Boyfriend is literally an ocean away
Q: The guy I’ve been dating for nearly two years is 5,213 kilometres away from me. I’m studying in Canada, he’s now in Zurich! When I started university, I did not have dating experience before I met him. He was so sweet to me and my family loves him. But after a year, he became withdrawn, negative, not wanting to do all the things we used to do. He finally admitted to believing that he has depression but assured me that I wasn’t the cause, and we continued to date. Several months later, he announced that he was heading to Europe for “a few months.” But the timeline kept expanding to more than a year. He’s been gone for seven months now and I have no idea when I’ll see him again. I love him and he says that he loves me. We don’t talk much because of the time difference and our schedules. Mostly, I get one message in the morning and one or two midday. As much as it hurts, I can’t ask him to come back because I know how great an opportunity it is for him to be there. Heartbroken
A: You’re feeling lost and miserable because of a misguided belief that you owe it to him to live on sparse messages as the content of your relationship.
At this life-stage and in this stillyoung relationship, you owe it to yourself to insist on a get-together soon, or else take a break. Remember, he left without discussion of how that’d work for both of you.
Think long and hard about what you need now to end the sadness. In a break, you’re free to date if you wish, and he’s free too, but you may reconnect when/if he returns. Q: Several years ago, my wife’s then-16-year-old cousin met someone from France through a website, who was twice her age. She ended up staying there, marrying him, and they now have children. Now, a family gathering is imminent, and they’ll be attending. I’ve never met them, but I feel uneasy about it. My wife says that her family was upset back then and tried to get her cousin to come home. But they’ve accepted what happened, they’re OK with the husband, and friendly with him. I think he’s gross. Someone who initiates/arranges for a teenage girl to come live with him when he’s in his 30s isn’t someone I want to befriend or even acknowledge. It alarms me that everyone’s OK with it … or maybe they feel they don’t have much choice and have to act cordially. Am I wrong for my feelings? How should I deal with this situation? Very Uncomfortable
A: Focus first on the children. They’re innocent, of course, and their mother has seemingly adapted to her life with this man.
If they seem happy and playful (you can tell after a few encounters, even if there’s a language difference), the situation may be better than you think.
He may be a decent, loving father and husband despite his approach to acquiring a much younger wife. Avoiding him could be a mistake. How else can you determine if he’s still “gross” or, more concerning, someone who controls his wife rather than treats her as a partner?
This is also your chance to see if your wife’s cousin appears happy, content with her life, and relaxed with her spouse. If so, it’d be wrong for you to be scowling in the background. The past is history; it’s how they are now that matters. •••
Ellie’s tip of the day
Long-distance relationships require getting together, even if only for visits, to stay connected.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.