Waterloo Region Record

Infidelity and betrayals are both two-way streets

- ELLIE Advice Columnist

More readers’ accounts regarding cheating and betrayals:

“I married my husband 13 years ago and was a good stepfather to his son, who lived with us. Sadly, my husband was emotionall­y abusive toward me throughout our marriage.

“He hid money, spent all the money I put in our joint savings and always cried that he had no money, despite earning $125,000 annually.

“Eventually I discovered that he had a girlfriend, a so-called friend with whom he worked out at the gym. She knew he was married.

“One day, I accidental­ly found his bank statement.

“I discovered that he spent over $10,000 of our joint money on in vitro fertilizat­ion (IVF) to get his ‘friend’ pregnant.

“He’d wanted me to pay more house bills so he could spend more of his money on her.

“Two days later, he left after I confronted him and has been at his girlfriend’s since.

“I’ve even discovered that, several years prior, he’d been making plans to spend a night with an old flame.

“I also learned that my stepson knew of his dad’s affair.

“My heart was so broken.

“My husband had been paying all his bills and his now-adult son’s bills from our joint savings.

“I’d been the only one putting money in that account bi-weekly and foolishly not reviewing the account.

“After he left, I discovered there was no more money in our joint savings.

“Meanwhile, he was hiding thousands that his mom apparently gifted him.

“He’d been creating a nest egg for himself and leaving me with nothing.

“Ladies, be aware. Read my story and be wise to the possibilit­y that you might be with someone with an agenda from the start.” Q: Women, too, pursue married men for flings; it’s a two-way street in my opinion. Cheating, regardless of who did it, destroys trust, which is the very foundation of a relationsh­ip. It took me many years to come to grips with infidelity, far too many.

Retired, widowed and finally happy

A:I sincerely hope that means that you’re “finally happy” with a partner whom you love and trust.

Reader’s Commentary:

“Thank you for doing these articles on the other woman.

“I was going to take out a 1-800 line for women to call if their husband (in this small town) was having or had an affair and ask who was the woman.

“I figured that the woman who’s involved with my husband would be the most popular name on the list when they listed the ‘other woman’ who ruined their life.

“However, I haven’t thrown him out as we have a daughter with an incurable disease who’s currently unwell, and I’ve already lost both a daughter and her husband to a drunk driver. I don’t think I can take another loss with my children.

“I’m getting counsellin­g, but I still need to know he’s there.

“I know that’s hard to understand, but it is what it is.”

The Wife

A:It’s not hard to understand because so many women and men alike have felt that same personal tug-of-war that exists within oneself over betrayal.

Knowing that your partner cheats is deeply hurtful, but it also feels far too hard to try to carry on alone with your other serious difficulti­es.

I’m not excusing your husband, but given the loss of a daughter and son-in-law, which you both already experience­d, plus the serious illness of your other daughter, he’s also known pain.

But he’s weaker than you are. Stay with counsellin­g.

Ellie’s tip of the day:

Infidelity’s painful to discover, creating a tough choice that only you can make. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationsh­ip questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.

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