Return to therapy to undo dad’s damage

Q I’m a woman, 37, who should be at the top of my game, but always feel I’m still struggling to rise from the bottom.

I’m married to a good man who loves me. We both adore our eight-year-old daughter. I’ve held a good teaching position since I graduated, and, except for maternity leave/COVID-19/lockdowns, I never missed a day of work and love teaching. But I still never feel that I’m good enough.

You don’t have to suggest therapy. I already know this comes from my father who was “right” about everything.

If I told him something I found interesting, he shot me down saying it never happened, I was wrong, etc.

My two older brothers worked in the family business, and my mother was the bookkeeper, so they all accepted his superiority.

But I had the role of underling, inferior to them all. My mother wasn’t as directly dismissive as my father and brothers, but she’d been put in her place long ago.

I want to raise a confident daughter who’ll find her own path to success — however she defines it. But I’m currently in a slump and need advice to rise out of it.

Never Right

Change your mindset … to a different channel, this one about who you really are: A loved wife/mother/committed teacher, whose students dearly need your skills.

Then, switch off that long-ago voice … which reminds you of a remote father far from “always right.”

Instead, he was self-centred, misguidedly self-important … and failed at fatherhood. He could run a successful business at everyone else’s cost because he was a bully.

Get back to therapy because you’re too accomplished/smart to let his past persist in your self-image.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding other couples’ attitudes toward the letter writer’s “open marriage” (April 18): “You could’ve taken a more interesting, progressive and empathic approach.

“My wife and I, married 20 years, began experimenting with another man in our lives to bring spark to our connection and her libido. We were surprised by our increased connection. We’ve already done decades of therapy with great success. But we’d hit a road block. Then, watching my wife with another man in bed was THE most exciting sexual event I’ve ever experienced, bringing us closer.

“You could’ve used their letter and your response more supportively — a great opportunity to open a larger discussion of Consensual Non-Monogamy and the fact marriage is long overdue for a revision.

“Yes, I think it’s dumb for the letter writer to expect others — people afraid to act out these very common fantasies and have sex with more than just their spouses — to approve. The planet’s melting, Putin’s talking nukes, pandemics rage. We should focus more on pleasure and take risks in marriage along with getting good therapy.”

Disappointing Response

Perhaps you’ve missed the many columns in which I’ve said, “Whatever people mutually consent to do sexually, barring physical, mental and emotional abuse, is none of my business.”

I’m a relationship advice writer, not a promoter of particular sex behaviours. While I agree we’re living through stressful times, encouraging open marriage is not my mission. I’m also not campaigning against it.

People seek my advice regarding troubles in their personal relationships. There’s no single answer. Whether to add a plus-one to lovemaking? It’s a very personal choice.

Enjoy your own antidote to fear/boredom/whatever … but don’t ask me to sell your message.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Forget the years of put-downs from a bully father. You’ve always been wiser than him. Still are.