Politely bring up your friend’s teasing
Q I have a question and my father reads the paper every day, and he recommended that I ask you!
I’m in a friendship group from high school, four of us in total. We still talk often but I frequently find my relationship with one girl difficult to manage.
She doesn’t like people asking too many questions about her life, and she often makes fun of me (and the other girls).
Also, our love languages are completely opposite. My way to show my friendship is to hug, ask questions about your life and be kind.
She doesn’t like questions or physical affection, and makes fun of the people with whom she’s close. I’m sensitive to mean comments, but try to laugh with her.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to feel loved by her, because of these differences. Normally, I’d end this friendship but I love our group and wouldn’t want to leave it.
We’re going on a group trip together. I’m worried that, if she makes fun of me too much, I’ll snap at her and there’ll be some tension. I try to laugh with her, but sometimes her comments are hurtful.
What should I do? My friends tell me to develop a stronger relationship with her one-on-one, but I’m not motivated to put effort into someone who makes me feel bad, even if she does tell me she loves me. Complicated Friend
A Congratulations to you and your group for establishing a circle of loving, supportive girlfriends! With only one among them being more remote emotionally, it likely means her general upbringing or specific experiences have taught her to be more guarded.
Consider that there’s some actual reason why she holds back. As a member of a loving circle, you can try to just accept that, rather than taking it too personally.
Having your father be interested in your friendship issues and offering helpful suggestions when asked, has helped shape your own approach to friends — open, interested, kind and hugging.
That’s you, and admirable, but not everyone’s the same.
This friendship circle is a way to advance your own interest in feeling the love of friends, by you responding in a way they can handle.
If her comments are hurtful, try a simple response: “I care about you and wonder why you sometimes say mean things.”
If she doesn’t easily accept that, walk away. But go on the group trip.
If more negative comments are made there, open a group dialogue — not about her — discussing how to maintain mutual respect between all.
Gently make your point that, if there’s not shared respect and understanding, the love language is more of a wish than reality.
Q My husband, 60 (10 years older than me), is becoming stuck in his ways. He used to like doing all kinds of things but now just wants to stay home. I want to travel, socialize with other couples, and enjoy life. He doesn’t want to join, so I do many things on my own. It’s beginning to bother me and I don’t want this kind of life. Should I leave him?
Half-packed
A It’s a sad choice if you haven’t fully discussed your feelings with him, and considered the possible effects of his experiencing physical and/or mental health issues.
To just cut out and run seems a crummy way to treat a partner unless there have been some negative issues before this change.
Unpack. and talk to a doctor and marriage counsellor before making any plans.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Even with close friendships, we need generous acceptance of differences, and efforts to better understand them.