Dullness aside, it’s our election
GONZO CHRONICLE Dalson Chen
You know, I’m a boring guy. I make my bed, I fold my clothes, I keep my pantry well-stocked with canned goods. But there are times when a dark lust overtakes me and my attention turns to something too sleazy, too depraved, too fluid-drenched for immature audiences: federal politics.
Yes, it’s election time in Canada. Once again, I must bust out my favourite Kent Brockman quote and proclaim that election fever is reaching a fever pitch as the fevered rivalry between Tories and Grits spreads like wild fever.
In preparation for the big day at the polls, the NDP has caught perennial- third- wheel fever while the Bloc Quebecois has contracted s c r e w- t h e m- a n g l o - phones fever and the Greens suffer never- invited-to-the-orgy fever. Is there no cure for this crappy-column-writing fever?
Are you groaning yet? Are you shifting in your seat uncomfortably and adjusting your pants? Eh, you probably stopped reading as soon as I mentioned federal politics.
There’s just no way to sex it up. I don’t know anyone who has circled Oct. 14 on their calendar whilst licking their lips and stroking their ballot pencils in anticipation.
Canadian politics tend to be comainducing at the best of times. This election? Dead-as-a-doorknob boring. Especially compared to the hot stuff going on stateside.
Look at our candidates. Stephen Harper – a man who sucks the life out of any room he enters. Stephane Dion – all the charisma of a home equity brochure. Jack Layton – Dude, mustaches haven’t been cool since B.L. Stryker went off the air.
Meanwhile, our American neighbours are in the throes of a presidential race awash in explosive issues like race, gender, war, death in office, sex education, lipstick and pigs. Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin is a former beauty pageant contestant with five children, including a 17-year-old daughter who’s pregnant out of wed- lock. You can’t make up better copy than that.
Just check out the names Palin gave her brood: Track, Trig, Bristol, Piper and Willow. They’re, like, the worst kid names, ever. It’s awesome!
What juiciness do we have in Canada? Elizabeth May and her torrid love of theology? Gilles Duceppe and his outrageous strategy to attract non-Tory federalists? The prime minister saying he’d rather be a fruit than a vegetable?
Recently, I heard a fellow reporter in The Star’s newsroom declare in all seriousness that she’d trade her vote in Canada’s election for a vote in the U.S. election.
Me, I would not make that trade. This is because (condescending tone begins now) even though this country’s electoral exercise promises to be a dull, tiresome and unwanted affair, it is our duty as citizens to take part in a democratic process that affects us all, and that we are fortunate to have.
We are Canadians. This is our Canadian election. Catch the fever!