The sandwich generation
Caregivers to elderly parents, kids
Some call it the sandwich generation.
But for those who are the meat in the metaphorical sandwich — boomers caring for older children and aging, ailing parents, juggling jobs and family commitments — it’s more like being between a rock and a hard place.
The so-called sandwich generation are caregivers, tending ailing aunts and uncles, fathers and mothers, many of whom are suffering from dementia and a variety of ailments associated with our increasing longevity.
At the same time they have children at home who need help with homework or transport to hockey practice or basketball, who need a parent to make them dinner and help usher them into adulthood and deal with their adolescent angst.
The so-called sandwich generation also has jobs and bosses and friends and lives and spouses and much of it gets lost or pushed aside with the urgency of aiding an ailing, aging loved one to cope.
“We were a double-stacked sandwich, a triple quarter pounder,” says Judy Cane, 55, an Ottawa financial planner. Cane can laugh at her predicament at times, but in the last few years she has been buffeted by her 15-year-old son’s attempted suicide, her husband Ian’s father’s death and now her 78-year-old mother’s various health issues.
“I feel guilty all the time that I can’t be there with her and take her everywhere she needs to go,” says Cane. “Ian and I went through tough times and we always said we’d get through this. It put a lot of pressure on our marriage.”
Cane and her husband are far from alone.
“There are three million family caregivers in Canada,” says Victorian Order of Nurses CEO Judith Shamian, who works out of Ottawa. She estimates the care they provide is worth about $25 billion a year.
In the U.S., the figures are staggering. A recent study reports that more than 26 per cent of Americans are considered caregivers. A 2009 study says more than 61 million Americans were carers and the monetary value of their services was pegged at $450 billion annually.
Adult caregivers, says Shamian, suffer from more health issues than non-care givers, they work less, their positions are more tenuous because of absenteeism to attend a loved one, they can’t accept transfers, and often reject promotions because of the increased workload.
Ola Moore, 51, looks after her 80-year-old mother who is afflicted with Alzheimer’s. She and her husband often sleep at her mother’s because they can’t afford to pay for the round-theclock care her mother needs. Before her mother was ill, they tended to her ailing father who had suffered through two strokes before he died.
“We haven’t had a normal life in the last 20 years,” she says. “I can’t even begin to explain. It gets too emotional. The wear and tear is beyond imagining. The effects are so huge. It’s a challenge to a long-term marriage.”
Moore says her husband is a big help but can’t dress and bathe and toilet her mother, who becomes agitated when a professional caregiver visits, so the bulk of the burden rests with Moore.
This situation is not uncommon, says Shamian, adding that it’s usually the woman in the family who handles the majority of the work.
“The problem gets worse every year. People are having children later, so they are getting squeezed,” meaning the kids are still at home when parents’ health begins to fail.
Also, she says, more women are working out of the home, with less time to devote to parents and children.
Increased mobility means many people no longer live in the same city as their parents and some have divorced parents living in two other areas, meaning boomer caregivers often find themselves jetting or driving all over the country.
“Individuals in their 60s have children, grandchildren and older parents,” says Shamian. “It’s a very dark scenario, a recipe for disaster and it’s a growing problem.”
To stay in contact with her kids as she was struggling with her father, Moore ran a home daycare. “Once your children are grown, you expect freedom. Your marriage is waiting.”
But she found more stress as her mother deteriorated.
“The emotional part is brutal,” she says. “It never leaves me, 24 hours a day. After a few days each week, I’m pretty broken down, exhausted emotionally and physically.”
Shamian says navigating through a multitude of services from a variety of agencies can be a nightmare.
“You need a PhD to put it all together,” she says. “It’s all very confusing. What we need is one-stop shopping.”
As more and more people and governments find themselves sorting through priorities and squeezed for money, who will be there for the young and the old?