Growing (really) old together one of life’s new realities

More seniors living as couples

It’s no small irony that one of the oldest romantic ideas in history has never been more relevant, or more attainable, than in the modern age.

Growing old together is less a dream than a reality for more and more Canadian sweethearts, with Statistics Canada reporting a steadily rising share of seniors residing as couples — and at much later stages of life.

But even as biology obliges long-term love, with the gender divide in life expectancy continuing to narrow, the culture at large isn’t quite as accommodating.

Before 89-year-old Jean Gibson passed away this summer, the Victoria woman spent her final months separated from her beloved husband of nearly 71 years – a painful, involuntary scenario that could affect more seniors if society doesn’t adapt to demographic shifts.

“My mom, because of the Alzheimer’s, couldn’t rationally understand it. She perceived it as my dad walking away from their marriage and throwing her out with the garbage,” says Gibson’s son Don, who lives in Winnipeg.

“And for my dad, the tough part was the sense of failure that he wasn’t able to be her primary caregiver and advocate. . . . His identity suddenly had a doughnut-hole in it, with a whole part of him missing.”

Colin Milner, CEO of the International Council on Active Aging, says such deficiencies in the system are just one part of a larger picture in which older Canadians’ well-being is threatened by everything from poor public transportation to limited community health resources to housing accessibility issues.

“I don’t think society is prepared for seniors, period. So senior couples challenge things even further,” says Milner.

The latest census data shows 56.4 per cent of Canadians 65 and older were living with a spouse or common-law partner in 2011, compared to 54.1 per cent a decade earlier. Even among the eldest age group, 85 and older, more than onefifth continued to reside as couples.

For Denis O’Keefe, who’s been married 73 years, remaining in the same living quarters as wife Hilda — whose Parkinson’s requires long-term care —– was seen by the Edmonton man as “absolutely, 100 per cent necessary.”

“Thank God we found this place,” says O’Keefe, who since 2007 has resided with Hilda at CapitalCare’s Laurier House Lynnwood. “It’s devastating to be apart, particularly if you’re as close as Hil and I are. All our lives, we’ve been living, playing and working together as a team.”