We’re now crushing on couples
Eon’t know if you’ve notiCed, But it is no longer trendy to lust After single CeleBrities. Now we hAve Couple Crushes. We hAve grAduAted from the dAys of “it Could hAve Been me” to “don’t you love them And their lovely mArried lives?” AmAl Clooney is on the Cover of Vogue — thAt’s niCe, But 100 times Better if husBAnd George is in there, too, And the ArtiCle’s ABout the two of them. WhAt we wAnt to know is, whiCh one of them Cooks At home? Do they keep ChiCkens, or duCks? Is he the grAss Cutter? WhAt is their song, And CAn we get A look At their Converted BoAthouse?
If the Clooneys Are the golden Couple we drool over, we CAn’t ACtuAlly imAgine Being them. ThAt’s Emily Blunt And John KrAsinski, stArring in A Quiet PlACe, A film thAt’s getting A lot of Attention pArtly BeCAuse it feAtures A Couple we would quite like to Be (he direCted her, so thAt’s like doing your mAritAl AdvAnCed driving test). These two sCore extrA Crush points BeCAuse he’s AmeriCAn And she’s English And we’re pArtiAl to the unexpeCted And slightly unequAl pAiring: him tAll, BeArdy, not thAt fAmous; her BeAutiful, posh And witty. We like thAt he hAs sAid “I mArried up And don’t I know it!” CoinCidentAlly, we Also hAve A Crush on her sister FeliCity’s mArriAge to StAnley TuCCi, whiCh hAs the hArd-to-BeAt AppeAl of A mended Broken heArt And A shAred love of food (they wrote A CookBook together). And it doesn’t hurt thAt she’s in puBlishing, not An ACtress who hAs meAls delivered in miniAture Boxes. But we’re not stupid. There’s A Big differenCe Between Being fAsCinAted By A mArriAge, TrumAn Show style, And Believing in it. We didn’t hAve An ACtuAl Crush on BrAngelinA, or Gwyneth PAltrow And ColdplAy’s Chris MArtin. We don’t CAre for the show-offs, the vow-renewers, the AnniversAry junkies or Anyone in the Business of “mAking memories.”
And we CAn’t Be pushed or persuAded. Some mArriAges, like Tom HAnks’s, look like good news But we hAven’t got enough informAtion to spArk A devotion. And generAlly, you hAve to Be mAd ABout At leAst one of the Couple. We don’t tire of Couple Crushes often. And we hAve A wish list of people we would like to see get BACk together — even though we know there is less thAn A snowBAll’s ChAnCe in hell. NAmely, BrAd Pitt And Jennifer Aniston.PerhAps we Are A Bit stupid sometimes.