Couples should vacation separately
Marriage coach to the stars offers tips to help keep relationships ‘fresh’
Shred the divorce papers, ditch the lawyers: I’ve discovered the secret to staying married. And that secret comes in the shape of a russet-haired Austrian lady with an easy laugh: Michaela Boehm.
Recently, Gwyneth Paltrow credited the “intimacy coach” to the Hollywood A-list with helping keep her marriage “fresh.” Which prompted my own easy laugh — until I spent an hour with the 51-year-old sex and relationship guru in the “she shed” she’s built on her organic farm in Ojai, Calif.
Boehm works with everyone from the biggest entertainers in the world (“one client was so famous, I had to be taken to them under a blanket”) to those who wander in off the street to attend the workshops she gives all over the world.
Famous men are having a particularly difficult time of it right now, she believes. “Because it’s so dangerous for them — and they can be preyed upon. Nobody talks about that. Everybody talks about #Metoo, which is valid and important, but there is a whole other dark side where men are getting trapped and blackmailed. Gossip alone can be very damaging.”
Women like Paltrow don’t have it easy either. “They can’t date quietly,” let alone “deal with heartbreak and insecurities” — and she is in awe of her client’s openness. “Gwyneth has exposed herself to some pretty brutal criticism, but people are understanding what a role model she is. Her commitment to love in the greater picture, and the well-being of her children and everyone involved, including the exes of the exes, isn’t something to sneer at — it’s admirable.”
Whether you’re an A-lister or not, the rules are the same once lessons begin. “There is no nudity and no sexual touching whatsoever,” explains Boehm, who was trained in the Hindu principles of Tantra and worked as a relationship counsellor when she first moved to the U.S. in 1994.
“No kissing, either. The skills I want people to learn come before that. Can you sit there with your partner and make eye contact with them without giggling or looking away? It’s about generosity of the heart, not wallet. And, most importantly, it’s about the ability to provide praise and acknowledgment.”
What caught everyone’s attention in Paltrow’s recent interview were the unusual living arrangements that the actress and her director husband, Brad Falchuk, enjoy.
Despite a five-year relationship and almost year-long marriage, the pair don’t live together, choosing instead to spend a maximum of four nights a week with each other at Paltrow’s L.A. home.
Is this all part of the “polarity” Boehm claims is vital in a marriage?
“Listen: all relationships are built on sameness,” she says. “The rapport built when you discover you have things in common, as well as similar values around children, religion, money, exercise … But the sexual spark that I call ‘erotic friction’ or ‘polarity’ follows the exact opposite principle. Because what makes sex ‘hot’ is the attraction of opposites. Hence we usually have the hottest sex with people we don’t even like.”
So the less “familiar” we are with one another, the more that polarity can thrive? “Absolutely. I’m a big advocate of getting as much space as you can,” she nods. “Now, of course, it’s a one-percentile privilege to live in separate houses — which a lot of happily married people I work with do — but even if it’s just a ‘man cave’ or a ‘she shed,’ do it.
“People should also vacation separately if they can,” she adds. “Every couple should consider taking a few of my very easy tips. For one: stop the random touching all the time. No putting out your face for a kiss without even thinking about it, or patting your partner’s arm. If you sleep together and eat together and then peck each other on the cheek all the time, your nervous system is going to grow weary of that. And never put sex on a ‘to-do list’ — even a mental one. Women should never override their body’s signals, because that will only lead to resentment.”
In her 2018 book, The Wild Woman’s Way: Unlock Your Full Potential for Pleasure, Power, and Fulfillment, Boehm talks about the “fairy tale” that has made relationships so much harder for women. “There used to be only a few things that women had to be good at, but now we essentially have to be a CEO in the boardroom, a stripper in the bedroom, Martha Stewart around the house, supermom with the kids, as well as doing yoga, having a spiritual life, an interesting group of friends and looking good online.”
Having a life and friends of your own is crucial, says Boehm. “As is date-night discipline.” The concept of date nights has always made me shudder, I explain.
“Then call it something else. But you have to carve out time for one another. And you should make sure you always meet at the restaurant or movie theatre in order to get some ‘friction,’ having taken the time to get your hair done and maybe fit in a shave of some kind ... Don’t talk business, kids or bills ... It’s the death of hot sex.”
What does she think of millennials, who have the least amount of sex of any generation in history and are supposedly anti-marriage, too? “Well, how they’ll be able to even sit next to one another without texting is more problematic to me than any relationship beyond that.”
I almost forget to ask one crucial thing: her rules on technology. “Oh, that’s simple: anytime you want to engage with your partner, you should not have a device on you at all.”
My husband always has his phone on the table during supper, I tell her.
“Tell him Michaela says: ‘Take it off,’” she glowers, “‘or sex will suffer.’”