THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY
No funding for the procedure in the Windsor area
The setbacks were crushing. And there were many.
For six years, as biology fought against desire, Katie and Todd Cox struggled to have a child.
By the time their son Benjamin finally arrived, after years of tears and painful disappointment, they had spent more than $70,000 on treatments and related travel.
“Definitely, it was something I didn't think I'd be able to get over if I wasn't a mom,” said Katie, 44.
“We were willing to do anything. Whatever it took over and over. And it's so difficult to go through this procedure when you're dealing with fertility issues. It's an emotional roller-coaster but we just kept saying we have to do it again. We just have to keep going.”
In a large and highly populated region where provincial funding for in vitro fertilization (IVF) is unavailable and funding for other treatment doesn't meet demand, thousands of people across Windsor-essex who desperately want children struggle with fertility frustration.
Darcy Thachuk, a reproductive emotional health social worker in Windsor, said infertility affects one in six Canadians. It has devastating effects, causing grief, anxiety, intimacy issues and other conflicts with partners, friends and family.
“It's a traumatic experience and the emotional toll is immeasurable,” she said. “It touches on all areas of their sense of self and their life. Infertility has no boundaries. I've been inundated with clients experiencing high levels of emotional distress due to the many variables.”
In Windsor-essex, and many other regions outside the GTA, that distress is magnified by a lack of funding for people who need IVF to have children. Most of the 19 clinics that receive provincial IVF funding are in the Toronto area.
The provincial government, which started the Ontario Fertility Program in 2015, has never provided funding for in vitro fertilization to a clinic in the Windsor region.
“We're the only community of our size with a catchment area of this size that doesn't have funding,” said Dr. Rahi Victory, medical director of Victory Reproductive Care, Windsor's only IVF clinic.
Thachuk calls it “postal code privilege.”
“You think, oh my goodness, there's this amazing program that we have in Ontario to support families, but then it's not actually accessible right here in Windsor-essex where our clients and families and patients are from,” said Thachuk, who works with Victory Reproductive Care.
“So people that want to begin their family or expand their family through assisted reproduction, they're kind of bound by their postal code.”
For people longing to have children, learning there is provincial funding only to realize it might be out of reach, compounds the grief and lack of control, she said.
“There's no amount of money that can heal the wounds of infertility,” said Thachuk. “But self-funding for IVF is not an option for many families, or couples or individuals. As a result of that inability to pay for that expense, the amount of grief and loss is exasperated. “This is a trauma experience, going through infertility. So you can imagine the grief and loss that's experienced.”
A single IVF treatment cycle starts around $10,000. Medication is extra and generally runs additional thousands of dollars. Each cycle takes six to eight weeks. An egg is removed from the woman's ovaries and fertilized with sperm in a lab. The embryo is then returned to the woman's womb.
To get funding for the expensive treatment, available once per lifetime, Windsorites must leave town. Even then the wait-lists stretch on for years, which many people don't have.
“If you're 39 and your ovaries are weak, and I tell you you've got to wait two years, you're not going to have time,” said Victory. “By the time you come back your ovaries are going to be dysfunctional and I'm going to be saying I'm really sorry, it didn't work.”
Expecting a long and difficult road for themselves, Katie and Todd Cox started trying to have a child before they got married in 2010.
“I was never a woman that was like, I need to settle down and have children in my 20s,” said Katie. “But then I met Todd and it clicked and I really wanted to be a mom.”
When they started trying, Katie was 33. Todd was 42. It was difficult. After exhausting treatments and facing repeated disappointment, they turned to in vitro fertilization. With time as a factor, they paid out of pocket.
“When you're at my age you start thinking, how much longer can I do this?” said Todd, now 53, who also has two older children from a previous marriage. “I remember telling Katie, `I don't care how long this takes. You're going to be a mom. We're going to keep doing this and we're going to be successful.' I told Katie I would do this until she was a mom.”
They were referred to a doctor in London. “When we began our journey with IVF in London, we had to get up at four o'clock in the morning every day during the cycle,” said Todd. “Katie had to get her blood samples done, so we'd be going up and down the 401 at four o'clock in the morning to take a blood test in London for five minutes, turn around, come back and go to work.”
They did that for a couple of years, driving through snowstorms and enduring sleepless nights while wondering if it would ever work. The doctor kept reminding them it was important to remain stress-free.
“Of course, it was extremely stressful up and down the 401 every day for five-minute appointments,” said Katie. “All with your fingers crossed every time.”
As Katie floundered and her hope dwindled, her friends talked excitedly about getting pregnant.
“I'm watching all of my friends starting their families and having children,” she said. “When you can't have children, it's absolutely devastating. If it doesn't work, you're in tears.
“You've put out $10,000, $12,000 for this round, but it wasn't the money. It was the emotional roller-coaster. You've got everything on this. Your friends are saying, `we didn't get pregnant this month. We'll try again next month.'
“And we're saying it didn't work for me and now I've got three to four months of prep work to do. I was always happy for everybody else, and also sad for us.”
After a couple years with no results, they started going to Victory for in vitro fertilization treatments. But that was before he was doing IVF in Windsor, so they had to go to Toronto.
“You're on the highway, it's very costly, you have to pay for hotel rooms,” said Katie. “You have to pay for gas, food on the road. It's just really a much-added stress. Weather plays a factor.
“And you can't miss. It's not something where you can say, `OK, we're going to wait until tomorrow.' It's very specific timing. If the doctor says you're here at 7:30 p.m. or you're 3:24 a.m., you have to be there, no matter what.”
After six years and repeated IVF treatments, the miracle happened. Katie finally got pregnant.
“It was incredible, awesome, overwhelming,” she said. “Just, oh my God, this is finally going to happen. I could not express in words the joy. The pure life-changing joy.”
But after so many difficulties and heartbreaks, they were also anxious.
“I will admit, I was very nervous my entire pregnancy,” said Katie. “It wasn't a pregnancy like other people where they're like, this is the greatest. I was scared the whole time, saying, please let this baby get to term and be here.”
When their son was born, Katie was 39. Todd was 48. Benjamin is now five years old.
“He just does everything with us and he's a blast,” said Katie. “The kid's on patios with us. We've got a boat and he's out there boating. He wants to do everything that we're doing. He's a really neat kid.”
The couple spent more than $70,000 to get him here.
While covering the costs was “extremely challenging,” they know they're still luckier than some. They've met others who remortgaged their homes to get IVF treatments.
“We've spoken to many people over the years who said it just became a point where it was too stressful, too painful and the cost of it was too much, and they decided they just couldn't do it,” said Todd. “Those are the people we really feel sorry for. They want to have families. They want to have children.
“Everybody should have the opportunity to do this if they meet certain criteria. Everybody. It shouldn't come down to dollars and cents.”
FERTILITY FRIENDS OFFER SUPPORT
Stacey Robert-tobin could find no support when she struggled with infertility — so she started her own group.
In 2017 she created Fertility Friends, affiliated with Fertility Matters Canada, to help people in Windsor-essex find solace.
“When I went to find support, there was nothing in Windsor-essex,” she said. “I was shocked.”
In the meantime, Robert-tobin and her husband Ryan managed in 2019 to have a daughter, Bella. But she still wants to help others. “It can be overwhelming,” she said. "The emotional trauma can become too much to deal with. And it can be isolating.
“I just want people to know they're not alone.”
Those in need of support with fertility issues in Windsor-essex can contact Fertility Friends through Facebook, or email fertilityfriends@fertilitymatters.ca.
Final of a three-part series this week by reporter Trevor Wilhelm. Infertile Ground looked at the difficulties Windsor-area couples face when seeking fertility treatment, including the lengthy, complex process involved and the low level of government funding supports compared to other Ontario cities. Part One: Provincial funding for fertility treatment out of reach for most Windsorites
Part Two: Ontario's fertility funding `discriminates' against gay men, advocates say