Put loneliness in the past
Making one friend a year a game-changer for well-being
The landmark Harvard Study of Adult Development suggests that close relationships are the most significant factor in personal well-being — yet it is not the number of relationships, but the quality of the connection that matters. Gaining one closer friend in 2024 may significantly boost your life satisfaction, as friendship is known to protect against stress and improve mental health. And one friend a year is manageable, yet could lead to three friends in three years and a handful of friends in five.
The one friend per year idea came from my friend and colleague, Barb Adelman Herstig, as we talked about our psychotherapy work over tea in my office near Minneapolis. This is another thing that friends provide: a fresh perspective.
As the parent and caregiver of an eight-year-old child whose disabilities require round-theclock care, I know how hard it can be to maintain close friendships. For several years, I refused most invitations until the invitations slowed down. Way down. To avoid guilty feelings of leaving my daughter, I hunkered down with my two young children and husband, eschewing any gathering that I deemed “unnecessary.” This left me resentful and lonely.
Once I realized how deeply this isolation affected me, I changed course. It helped to have extra support to usher me through — as a therapist myself, my stance is that every good therapist needs a good therapist.
So I found one and began working on my frayed friendships. I have not landed in a place of perfect friendships, but I do know it is possible to have strong relationships, even with notable life constraints. Here are five ways to build or enhance one close friendship this year.
1 Get back in touch
Going through a season of disconnection is common, especially given the demands of modern life and the years of pandemic restrictions. Instead of berating yourself for past mistakes, focus on how you want to show up now.
Do something to let your friend know that you care. Nina Badzin, host of the podcast Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, recommends the voice memo. Use the voice memo app on your phone to record a message and share it.
2 Make a specific request to connect
“Let's hang out sometime” does not lead to a closer friendship. But, “Hey, are you free any Sunday this month for a coffee or brunch” could. Being more explicit about plans works. And if you are willing to be the one to extend an invitation, that's going to move things along. What I have found from my therapy practice (and from being alive) is that most people want someone else to initiate because of the vulnerability involved in making the ask. Yet, if you want meaningful rapport, you need to reach out, as scary or uncomfortable as that might be.
3 Pursue a friendship with someone who is available
Identify and engage a friend who is truly seeking a closer relationship, too. Just like in a romantic partnership, pouring energy into an emotionally unavailable person will lead to disconnection. Find someone who demonstrates that they have the time, energy, interest and capacity.
When you contact them to make plans, do they accept or suggest an alternate date, or do they defer your meeting until a far-out time? Does this pal seem to value friendship in general, or are they consumed with the other roles in their life? Try not to take it personally, but also don't try too hard with someone who can't follow through.
4 Find a regular time to hang out with a friend
It could come in the form of a weekly fitness routine, a creative endeavour or interest, or a religious service. Beginning last summer, my friend Katrin, whom I had known for more than a decade, and I decided to commit to a weekly Friday morning walk, no matter the weather — which takes dedication in the northern climate where we live. Our increased time together has brought us much closer, which is positively correlated in research about friendship.
If you want meaningful rapport, you need to reach out, as scary or uncomfortable as that might be.
I've heard clients and friends rave about how much these regular meetings — even if they are less often, such as monthly — add to a sense of well-being, structure and belonging. And when you create something recurring, you reduce the mental load of co-ordination, which frees up time and energy for your relationships.
5 Engage fully in the present and offer appreciation
You can really lean into a friendship when you put away your phone and practise being in the moment, which is a rare offering in today's world. Be curious about your companion's life and experiences. What most humans crave is to be seen and heard. If you can also open up about your inner world in a reciprocal way, this will probably develop further intimacy.
Don't be shy about expressing your care for your friend and why the relationship matters to you. When your buddy gives you helpful advice or listens patiently to your latest challenge at work or home, let them know how their efforts help you.
This gratitude builds your bond and has been shown to deepen the connection and spark further interest in the relationship.