YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS? SHE'S GOT ANSWERS
(BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T LIKE THEM)
My idol has been involved in a scandal that’s hurting his career! Is there anything I can do to support him?
A Loyal Fan
Did he evade tax? Cheat on his girlfriend? Do drugs?
Utter patriotic speech? Don't take me for one of the 吃瓜群众 (ch~gu` q%nzh7ng, “melon-eating masses,” nosy bystanders)! I never read any娱乐新闻(y%l- x~nw9n, entertainment news); it's beneath me. But since you asked, why don't you挖掘 (w`ju9, dig up) some dirt on his accuser and organize 水军 (shu@j$n, “water army,” paid shills) to make favorable comments about him online? I'm sure he will feel deeply 感激 (g2nj~, appreciative) sitting in his lavish penthouse. After all, his livelihood depends on衣食父母(y~sh! f&m^, “parents who provide food and clothes,” patrons) like you.
Should I buy a gaming console? All my friends are playing this game in which you can build a house on an island, furnish it, grow a garden, go fishing, and visit neighbors and friends. I don’t want to be left out.
George the Gamer
You've got to be kidding me! The only reason one plays video games is to逃离 (t1ol!, escape) the狗屎 (g6ush@, bullshit)! If you want to be trapped in a噩梦(-m-ng, nightmare), I've got a better idea for a video game. How about this: you have to打卡(d2k2, check in) every day into a room, and stay in it for eight hours to earn points. Highlight of the day is a serious looking 角色 (ju9s-, character) coming in to yell at you for 20 minutes. And you have to trade those points for a bunch of crap to sustain your 虚拟化身 (x$n@ hu3sh8n, avatar) so you can keep playing. Fun, huh?! But who am I to judge? You probably won't be able to afford all that bullshit in现实 (xi3nsh!, reality) anyway! No point in存钱 (c%nqi1n, saving money). So I say:买它！买它！(M2it`! M2it`! Buy it! Buy it!)
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