Lo­cos Dos: Sur­viv­ing CR - A Blast from the Past

Howler Magazine - - Contents -

Did Pres­i­dent Trump ever fin­ish fir­ing ev­ery­body who needed fir­ing?

Greet­ings, folks of the fu­ture! Time travel has al­ways been a fa­vorite sci-fi sub­ject of mine, so I've de­cided to take ad­van­tage of the fact that my Howler sub­mis­sion dead­lines seem to be get­ting ear­lier and fur­ther ahead of ac­tual pub­li­ca­tion dates. That means those of you who are read­ing this are in the fu­ture — per­haps Novem­ber 2017 — and I hope, liv­ing in a much safer and more har­mo­nious world. There­fore, think of this col­umn as a kind of lit­er­ary time cap­sule from a time you now con­sider “awhile back.”

So how did that whole North Korea thing work out? I can only as­sume cooler heads pre­vailed and the rogue com­mie coun­try is now the 51st state, tak­ing its place proudly next to North Dakota and North Carolina.

Did Pres­i­dent Trump ever fin­ish fir­ing ev­ery­body who needed fir­ing? And is for­mer San An­to­nio Spurs bas­ket­ball leg­end and tat­too prodigy Den­nis Rod­man some­where in the new mix? I'm think­ing at­tor­ney gen­eral, vice pres­i­dent or pos­si­bly gov­er­nor of the new­est state.

What about Canada? Did they ever build that 5,525-mile-long wall along the U.S. bor­der to keep out flee­ing Democrats? And did Prime Min­is­ter Trudeau re­ally get the U.S. to pay for it? I'd gladly sneak into Canada and stay awhile my­self, if only the lan­guage wasn't so dif­fi­cult to pick up.

If you'll in­dulge me, I have a few ques­tions for my fu­ture self. First, are you still alive? (You younger read­ers may not ap­pre­ci­ate this, but we “60s are the new 30s” types have a slight mor­tal­ity pho­bia.) If the an­swer is “yes,” then I'm cu­ri­ous if you ever cut that weird beard of yours? I know the only rea­son you have it is be­cause your wife de­mands you keep it. Did you ever grow the co­jones to defy her? I doubt it.

Speak­ing of wives, did she ever get rid of that whole “just get­ting bet­ter and bet­ter look­ing” thing? I doubt it.

I betcha my not-so-dis­tant fu­ture self is pretty ex­cited about how the Dal­las Cow­boys are do­ing early into the 2017 sea­son. Most of their op­po­nent teams will have al­ready sur­ren­dered, keep­ing the loss col­umn at a con­sis­tent zero.

The coach has surely taken my ad­vice to re­in­state Roger Staubach as quar­ter­back. Ul­ti­mately, the Cow­boys will be drafted to rep­re­sent the United States in the 2018 FIFA World Cup “foot­ball” tour­na­ment in Moscow. Eat your hearts out, Pa­tri­ots fans of the fu­ture!

Closer to home, I'm guess­ing the new paved road be­tween Ta­marindo and Vil­lar­real has been dug up and re­placed with an even newer paved road. And has a new batch of car swal­low­ing pot­holes im­ploded on the dirt road to Lan­gosta? Pre­sum­ably, the lo­cal wa­ter sup­pli­ers (In­sti­tuto Costar­ri­cense de Acue­duc­tos y Al­can­tar­il­la­dos) have fig­ured out how to ser­vice the con­tin­u­ing spasm of fu­ture home con­struc­tion. I hope there's no ob­jec­tion to the salty taste.

Closer to our hearts, is the Howler be­ing hon­ored with that well-de­served No­bel Prize for Cu­mu­la­tive Lit­er­a­ture? Hope my hum­ble writ­ings have helped in some small way.

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