Magic number

THE magic number is 37 — or to be precise 36.6 — which has been the median points total required to avoid relegation from the Premier League over the past few seasons. The way things are going, six teams are looking like possibles to come in below that figure while we could still see a team currently in comparative safety get dragged down. West Brom are looking doomed, leaving just two from Stoke, West Ham, Huddersfield, Palace and probably Southampton to join them. Newcastle, Swansea and Bournemouth should be OK.

The Italian job (all you had to do was defend for 30 minutes)

So Italy’s biggest club saw off the Champions League challenge of my beloved Lilywhites despite Spurs outplaying Italy’s finest and having the better of 165 out of the 180 minutes played over the two legs.

So if Juventus were that abject, how did they see off Spurs? The obvious thing to say is that, as good as they were, Spurs just didn’t take their chances while Gonzalo Higuain in particular and Paulo Dybala gave Harry Kane and co a lesson in the art of finishing. But that’s too simple; with less than 30 minutes to go Spurs were leading in the tie and had their feet firmly on Italian throats, until Massimiliano Allegri showed why he is a top manager and Mauricio Pochettino isn’t there yet.

It started innocuously with Juve upping the tempo by taking rolling free kicks before Spurs could get set up defensively. Then two unexpected defensive substitutions two minutes apart changed both Juventus’s shape and the tie. Suddenly the Italians had width and Poch and his defenders were caught like rabbits in the headlights. Two goals in less than three minutes and it was effectively game over. From that point on the Italians were in their element and the usual mix of experience, skill, last-ditch defending, play acting, mobbing the referee and outright thuggery saw them home.

Simply put: Spurs were too nice and, much as it pains me to say it, for them to prosper both at home and in Europe a little bit of Italian cynicism may go a long way.

The end of an era

In the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, ’90s and beyond, we footie fans were served by some seriously good football commentators across both major channels. Sadly, since then the art of commentary has regressed to a point where sometimes you feel like hitting the mute button. Kenneth Wolstenholme, David Coleman, Brian Moore, Barry Davies and Hugh Johns never left you feeling ignorant and patronised; they all knew the now-forgotten art of saying the very least while letting the spectacle unfold before you.

And then there was Motty. John Motson retired his sheepskin coat commentating on Arsenal-Watford last week for Radio Five and I for one will miss him. He wasn’t everyone’s cup of Earl Grey and many preferred his excellent and admittedly more versatile BBC stablemate Barry Davies, but I loved Motty’s obvious enthusiasm for the sport

he was covering starting from that Hereford-Newcastle Cup replay featuring that Ronny Radford goal all the way 47 years later to the final curtain at the Emirates. Last word: “For those watching in black and white, Spurs are in the yellow.”

Numbers of the week

Seven and 54 — or seven wins in the last 54 Premier League games managed by Alan Pardew. Why did West Brom sack Tony Pulis? OK they weren’t setting any houses on fire but Pulis, unlike Pardew, has yet to have a team relegated under his auspices.

Speaking of numbers, how on earth did Huddersfield not beat Swansea last weekend? Thirty shots to zero; 81 per cent possession; 12 corners to zero; 26 chances created (to zero); 79 minutes playing against 10 men – and one point to show for all that dominance. I hope for the Terriers’ sake those two dropped points don’t come back to haunt them come season’s end.

Wally of the week

If you’re going all back page claiming that your opponents “have no cojones”, then it’s probably best that you don’t knock a crucial penalty down the middle at a perfect height for the goalkeeper to save. Especially when Petr Cech had never previously saved a penalty for Arsenal and hadn’t saved one for any team in seven years. For this, Troy Deeney is deservedly the Wally of the week.

Team of the week

Lukasz Fabianski, Swansea; Leighton Baines, Everton; Alfie Mawson, Swansea; Ben Mee, Burnley; Ashley Young, United; Nemanja Matic, United; Jonjo Shelvey, Newcastle; Willian, Chelsea; Marcus Rashford, United; Heung-Min Son, Spurs; Eden Hazard, Chelsea. Manager: Jose Mourinho, United.

This week’s big games

FA Cup quarter-finals — today: 2.15pm Swansea v Spurs; 9.45pm United v Brighton. Tomorrow: 3.30pm Wigan v Southampton; 6.30pm Leicester v Chelsea. Premier League — today: 5pm Bournemouth v West Brom, Huddersfield v Palace, Stoke v Everton; 7.30pm Liverpool v Watford. Meaningless international friendlies — Friday: 9.45pm Netherlands v England, Scotland v Costa Rica.

Six Nations

Today: 2.30pm Italy v Scotland; 4.45pm England v Ireland; 7pm Wales v France.

When I did my Six Nations preview I confidently predicted that today’s England-Ireland clash would be the title decider. Oh, how wrong I was. Ireland are, of course, out of sight at the top of the table as deserving champions, but what did the Irish do right and the English do wrong?

In a word: Paris. Or to be exact, the fates of both teams were essentially decided in time added on against the French.

In week one the Irish were two points down at the 80-minute mark and one knock on away from defeat. Forty-two rainsodden phases later Sexton kicked a drop goal and the Irish had got out of jail.

Last week in Paris, in similar circumstances to those the Irish had faced, England got to within five metres and knocked on. There in a nutshell is why the Irish are chasing the Grand Slam while England are merely playing for pride.

And finally

Last week’s question was a bit of a tease. It went thus: connect From Russia with Love with ‹stanbul and Mack the Knife. The connection is Lotte Lenya, who was referenced by her husband Kurt Weill in his song from The Threepenny Opera, made popular by Bobby Darin. Lenya went on to play the part of the sharp-toed Rosa Klebb in From Russia with Love, which was of course set mainly in ‹stanbul. Barbara Grundey outdid hubby John to be first in with the correct answer.

There was also a bonus question which went thus: name the player who began his career at Burnley before going on to win a total of nine national titles in three different countries. Trevor Steven is the player; he won two titles at Everton, six at Rangers and one in his only season with Marseilles.

The last seven of those titles were won in consecutive seasons: two at Rangers, one at Marseilles, four back at Rangers. Sadly nobody got this question right.

This week: which club holds the presumably unwanted record for least goals scored at home in a Premier League season?

Last year a well-known Yorkshire lady in Karflıyaka was delayed for hours on a flight from Leeds to Larnaca when a fight erupted after take-off and the pilot put down in Manchester.

On Monday her flight from Manchester to Ercan via ‹stanbul hadn’t even left the runway when a fight erupted and police had to remove the culprits.

The subsequent delay meant that she missed her connection, finally arriving in Cyprus 22 hours late after a night at the airport.

I’m not casting aspersions but if I found out I was on the same flight as this particular lady I might just be a tad concerned.

NB: to cap it all, her Master Carpenter husband was an hour late picking her up at Ercan because he forgot the one-hour time difference between Turkey and Cyprus. I’m sayin’ nowt and definitely not naming names!