‘The North Cyprus driving test’

HAVING recently followed a learner driver in Girne, this came into my mind:

Okay, let’s get you comfortable before we start. Right, what’s the first thing we do?

Look in your mirror! What on earth for? You look fine to me. No, no, first you lower your window. What do you mean, “what for?” — how can you drive with your elbow out of the window if it’s not open. Now just move the seat belt out of the way. No, no don’t put it on — just make sure that you don’t sit on the buckle. That’s right.

So what’s next? Yes, that’s right, you pull out into the traffic. No, no, no, not yet; the road is clear, you must wait until a car is approaching so that you can pull out in front of him. That’s better, much better. Why is he blaring his horn? Oh don’t worry, it just means he is a Brit.

Okay, now is the time to light your cigarette. What do you mean, shall you pull over? No, no just control the wheel with your knees — that’s right, you’re doing fine.

Right, now let’s take a right turn. No, no, don’t signal please — if you do that it takes all the fun out of it. Yes, yes that was great. What? Oh don’t worry, we missed him didn’t we?

Okay we are coming to a roundabout, so pull over to the outside lane. Slow down, that’s right. Now cut in front of the guy inside you.

Great, right now get closer to this car in front — the correct way to do it is to make sure that you are only a couple of inches behind him. Yes, that’s fine.

OK, so what’s missing then, my friend — what very important thing have we not done? Right, I’ll tell you: you’ve been on the road for 20 minutes and you have not yet made a phone call. That’s very important. Even better: send a text message. What do you mean you can’t see the road and the screen? Just get your priorities right and concentrate on the phone. There, that’s better, isn’t it?

Okay, we are doing fine. Let’s just get past this guy in front, shall we? Of course there’s a long queue — just go past him and pull in right in front of him. That’s right, brilliant.

Now then, traffic lights. Why are you stopping? “They’re on red.” So what? There’s nothing coming, is there? Just carry on. Okay these lights are red as well, so just pull up and get ready to go. Okay, rev up and get ready, get ready. Okay, amber — now shoot off fast. That’s great.

Okay, we are back at the test centre now so pull up and park the car.

I’m sorry to tell you that you have failed. Why? I’ll tell you why: look over there — the pavement is totally empty and you have parked the car here on the road. Better luck next time.

Phil Lucock, Shropshire