THE DOOM MERCHANTS
ABSORBING UK news is about as enjoyable as having a tooth drawn by a bankrupt, manic depressive dentist, who forgot to administer a painrelieving injection and decided to pull the lot out to make up some of his losses.
Doom and gloom prevail on a scale that makes Dad’s Army’s (“we’re all doomed”) Private Fraser sound like a raving optimist!
Not content with the possibility of climate change messing up the seasons and my return to the UK being inconveniently interrupted by the imminent threat of a nuclear strike, they revel in “worst case” scenarios on everything, from the UK’s economic outlook to the prospect of half the country freezing to death this winter, wheeling on “expert” after “expert” on our TV screens, to convince us it is all inevitable.
No wonder half the population walks around looking like they have just been told they have six months to live and the other glum half must be receiving compulsory free copies of this column!
So doom-laden are things, that it took the sad loss of our wonderful Queen to give us a break from the constant barrage of media gloom and allowed us to celebrate something, like Her Majesty’s wonderful life of service, for instance.
When it takes such a sad event to give us some relief from the doom merchants, it says it all, now doesn’t it? Picture the scene — “put the 9 o’clock news on darling”. “Pardon? No way, I’d rather have Genghis Khan ransack the house.”
She replies “Mother’s coming round tomorrow”. “That’ll do,” he says.
Things are not brilliant, on any front, but unlike what most UK media would have us believe, anything that IS wrong is NOT unique to Britain (including visits by mother-inlaw).
Got that? The energy price crisis is not just stalking the UK, it is rampaging across Europe and the world (you would never think so, if you watch BBC, ITV or Sky News).
Germany is in recession, EU inflation is in double figures, the euro currency is sinking and the
pound is again in recent recovery after an unnecessary plunge. Britain in bigger trouble than anyone else? No way.
The latest TV ratings ruse? Sky News are to feature “The Great Debate”. Subject? “Is Britain still Great”? Merely asking the question, hints that Sky thinks it isn’t and no doubt they will wheel out a host of “experts” intent on proving that is the case.
What the hell is the point of it, apart from undermining public confidence in everything Britain and its long-standing institutions represent?
I can almost feel the glee with which the doom merchants will greet such a prospect. Well (dare I say), Have I Got News for You (otherwise known as the BBC’s “clever clogs” negativity team).
Most Britons don’t feel like that. Evidence for this? The public reaction to the Queen’s funeral. Pride and love of country incarnate. The doom merchants hated it.
Here comes another great TV news misrepresentation: “UK inflation will hit double figures next spring,” they raged. No it won’t. Any fool (including me) should be able to see that Liz Truss’s (dare I mention her?) multibillion package of support for scared-stiff (who can blame them?) domestic and commercial energy consumers, will reduce gas and electricity prices at a stroke, now won’t it?
Of course it will, thereby reducing inflation inevitably by five per cent. Let the inflation alarmists put that in their politically correct pipe and smoke it (for the more sensitive, that’s a polite way of saying “up yours”! OK?).
Despite all that, there is still no escape. The doom merchants are never satisfied (perhaps they are all failed psychiatrists, never happy unless they have an audience of manic depressives).
Latest scare-mongering “expert” predictions? Another “massive” pandemic is on the way, which will “cripple the NHS”. (I thought it was well crippled already).
It appears we are “at the start of another Covid variant wave”, which will be “devastating”. Well, for them, it could hardly be anything else, now could it?
Am I suffering from déjà vu, or what? Haven’t we been here before? Here we go — stay at home, don’t go out, close the pubs, bankrupt business, in fact, bring life to a halt altogether, even if we have been vaccinated more times than Elizabeth Taylor got married!
The doom merchants won’t be happy until they are the only people left in work, bossing us nervous, shivering, unemployed wrecks about for eternity (at least those of us who are left!).
Doom merchant paradise at last! They must be unusually overjoyed. I can think of nothing else that would make them happier, apart from the news that Birmingham had just been nuked and their predictions of imminent nuclear obliteration are proved correct — to precisely nobody.
Most depressing news of all? 21-year-old Maddie Bud (there’s a name to conjure with) has hit the headlines. What great feat for the advancement of human life has she just achieved? Wait for it — she is an “ECO Warrior”, totally opposed to the operation of “private jets”. Fair enough, but what has she done to stop them flying? Poured human excrement over a statue of the much loved and deceased Captain Sir Tom Moore!
Since when did pouring excrement over statues improve the environment, Maddie? (With a name like that, her parents obviously had foresight.)
How’s about some seriously bad news to balance things up? What about Steve Wright leaving Radio 2 after 23 years? Disastrous! Can you believe it? The reason? He’s too old at 68! (Where that leaves me, God only knows.)
Mr Wright’s show being popular matters not. No doubt that’s because he is quietly viewed as wacky and politically incorrect — he has to go. (It can’t be because he’s black, or white, he’s on the radio for goodness sake! OK?) In view of that last comment, it’s perhaps best that UK government minister Brandon Lewis has just announced he will “protect the right to cause offence” (I can therefore sleep a little easier tonight).
So, there we are. The Book of Revelations is coming true. The end of times is nigh. Personally, I always thought St John, author of the above, had been on the magic mushrooms. If the doom merchants have, that would explain a lot! Chin up!