The past has no address

Hyou ever sat down and thought of all that you have been in your entire life, things you used to do, who you were before who you are now? I have come to realise that one of the most difficult things for any of us to overcome is the fact that we sometimes think that we are beyond redemption. We overly crucify ourselves for actions we did in the past. We all have done some things we might not be too proud of.

Among the many could be unhealthy behaviours that included drinking while driving, calling in sick at work when we are not just because we were too hung over to go to work, or neglecting our children for the temptation of spending the evening with friends at the groove instead.

None of this sounds like anything you could feel good about it, does it?

AVE FOCUS

The biggest thing I had to learn while thinking about this was that who I am now is what matters most.

My past behaviours don’t make me the person I am now. And the first step in becoming the person you are now is to leave the past where it is. Instead, focus on the future and building the person you want to become. Author Brian Tracey once wrote, “It doesn’t matter where you are coming from.

All that matters is where you are going.” First, we need to understand a very fundamental thing; the past does not define us. Often, we believe that the past does define us and, therefore, there is no escaping it. This is simply not true.

HOSTAGE

We are the ones who decide whether the past holds us hostage. Your past may have shaped you, but it does not define who you are now.

What defines you is what you do now, your actions now, and what you have become since the past you left behind. The second thing in becoming the person you are now is to stop doing the behaviours you don’t like; those ones that make you feel bad about yourself.

You know those ones better; the ones that make you feel so low each time you think of them. But then again always remember that changing bad habits or unhealthy behaviours doesn’t happen overnight. You need to learn that things take time, and this is just part of the journey. And, most importantly, that this is okay.

Every positive change in your life begins with a clear, unmistakeable decision that you are either going to do something or stop doing something. It starts with first changing your behaviours one at a time.

If you could slow down just a little and ask a simple question “Will this make me, feel bad about myself if I do it?” And the voice said yes, you might be able to pause long enough to say to yourself, ‘I don’t want to do things anymore that make me feel bad about myself ’. You could then decide I am going to choose to not commit this behaviour this time. And that is precisely what it is, a conscious decision to prevent one unhealthy behaviour at a time from coming to fruition and sending you down that ugly road of self-hatred and condemnation. If you ask yourself the opposite question, “Will I feel good about myself if I do this?” Sometimes it is even easier to follow through on the action.

ACTIONS

The more actions you can collect that make you feel good about yourself, the further along you get to leaving actions behind that you don’t feel good about. It’s a process of collecting more ‘I feel good about myself ’ actions than ‘I feel bad about myself ’ actions.

This is what you need to do. Even more importantly, each time you do an ‘I good about myself ’ action, you need to give yourself some credit for it. This is important, even if you slip up and commit an ‘I feel bad about myself ’ action the very next minute.

If you don’t give yourself encouragement for the small victories, then you’re doomed to not have the courage to keep going. So self-reward, recognition, and credit are all very important things to give yourself. Every small act in the right direction needs to be recognised as something good and valuable, so give yourself a pat on the back or a verbal ‘good job Nonto’, it doesn’t matter what, as long as it is some kind of recognition that works for you. Make sure to give yourself recognition in whatever way makes you feel good about it.

These will add up over time until you begin to start feeling good about yourself in general, at least a little bit, then more, then finally much more.

HARD PAST

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again. I am sure you are asking yourself that, what about the moments when you fail, or commit the ‘I feel bad about myself action?’ Well, you must forgive yourself these, practice some self-compassion, and let it go.

Just say to yourself, ‘I messed up, I forgive myself, I will try again’.

Otherwise, you will stay stuck in the ‘I feel bad about myself’ ‘behaviour by beating yourself up for it, making yourself feel worse, and then dangerously looking for a way out of that bad feeling by committing some other unhealthy behaviour. Your job is to stay out of the bad moments by focusing on doing actions that you feel good about, building your self-confidence that you are a good person, acknowledging your accomplishments, and creating a sense of strength for yourself that you can continue to build on this foundation.

WOUNDED

So, when you commit an unhealthy behaviour, forgive your wounded self. This does not mean you accept it as okay or that you shouldn’t take accountability for your actions. It simply means you don’t demean yourself over it, or punish yourself for it, or otherwise stay stuck in it. You forgive, move on, and try to focus more on doing actions that make you feel good about yourself. By focusing on actions that make you feel good about yourself, you begin to build up a new sense of self. Because this is exactly what you are doing. You are building a new you. You are creating a new version of you, a stronger version, a version you are proud of, a version that reflects your true values and true self. Focus on what matters now because the past has no address!

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