Male abuse is reality too

Sir,

The patriarchal society we will live in, given, is preconditioned to give the boy child and men preferential treatment in many respects. The boy child will grow up with more opportunities and is socialised and prepared to take up leadership positions and better paying professions.

In many households, boys are still expected to be served by their sisters or female relatives. They can get away with mistreating their sisters through beating them, however, the girl child will suffer condemnation if she dares stand up for herself and fight back or if she initiates the fight.

She is quickly reminded of her future role as a wife and how such would be unbecoming behavior for a wife. Only in serious cases will the man be reminded that ‘indvuku ayiwakhi umuti’. If the boy child experiences pain and cries, he is told that a man should never be seen crying

Pain

weakness.

The boy child grows up in a society that does not allow him to show his vulnerability through the proven therapeutic way of crying, nor is he allowed to talk much lest he is told ‘ukhulumisa kwemfati’. Later on in life when he has a partner, this proves problematic.

Demands

The relationship demands both the man and woman to communicate. Sometimes the issues on the table are emotive and tempers flare. The woman, having been socialised to be expressive, will almost invariably be the most vocal and mostly win the argument. Well, that’s if speaking the loudest is to be construed as such.

The man may not have his way because talking and whining are not quite his forte. If he finds himself in a corner and feels disrespected, provoked or in any way insulted during that misunderstanding, that may lead to him being physically abusive.

Choice

I hasten to say that this would be a choice he makes and is not in any way an involuntary action that can simply be attributed to genetics or socialisation. However, socialisation in a patriarchal society robs the man of outlets to vent and deal with stress or frustration.

If we are really going to win the fight against gender-based violence (GBV), we need a holistic approach in dealing with it. Let us not leave the boy child and the man in our attempts to fix society. We need both sexes on board and not alienate others. When you speak of men abuse now, you risk being labelled misogynistic and all sorts of things. Men abuse is just as real as women abuse. Neither is worse than the other.

melcmmats@gmail.com