Unlearning toxicity

255837,21 is a hidden and subtle crime of conscience. It is the act of obtaining material things, advantages, gains and or favours by morally and or ethically wrong and unfair means.

8nlike cases of fraud and theft, corruption cases are not that obvious or very straightforward. They are usually very difficult to pin-point or prove due to lack of factual or solid evidence. And yet corruption is far more rampant than fraud or theft. &orruption actually costs more than straightforward fraud or theft in terms of wasted resources.

&orruption is rampant in governments, businesses and the general population at large. &orruption is the biggest drain on resources everywhere. This includes for individuals, communities, businesses and governments. The funny part about corruption is that everyone will consider corruption to be what it really is, i.e. just straightforward corruption, until it benefits them. It is corruption until it benefits you.

If and when it benefits you, then it is not corruption but just connections, family, social networks, normal or expected relationship assistance, kindness or expected benevolence from a close friend, relative or associate.

CORRUPTION

+owever, as long as the overriding factor in obtaining material gains, favours or advantages over other people in the very same or similar position would be anything else other than straightforward merit, then it is just corruption.

)or example, when two people are a dead heat in terms of qualifications, experience and all other considerations for a given job, but then one of them gets the job primarily or just because of an existing relationship or connection to one of the interviewing or hiring authorities, then that is corruption even if and when the hired person is correctly qualified and experienced for that job.

Of course, the concerned persons would not see it as corruption. (ven very religious people do not see it as corruption learned something this week which moved me so mightily. In many countries, they have that bridge which opens and closes. It allows for traffic and boats to pass through. It lifts up whenever there is a boat, or ship that will pass underneath it.

As if it was programmed to do it. And I wondered how much programming is there in our lives, is it possible there are things that we do that are so much as a result of a programmed mindset.

In essence a toxic childhood refers to the period of childhood with unfavourable an everlasting experiences where the perceiving child subconsciously learns harmful traits, which affect their in adult life producing programme responses to other people¶s actions.

The kinds of responses that are on auto pilot. 0y uncle when I was in early high school met me on my way home, walking with male friends, something he didn¶t take lightly and did not ask any questions immediately I was in trouble. but just as luck or *od¶s grace

The common factor in all corruption cases is human beings, or rather human behaviour. To be able to effectively deal with corruption we must first of all be able to thoroughly understand and accept the intrinsic attributes of human behaviour inside out, otherwise we shall never be able to get on top of this game.

+uman intrinsic and survivalist behaviour, by nature and just like the intrinsic survivalist behaviour of all other living things as well, is governed by the 'arwinian Theory of the survival of the fittest, and the dog-eat-dog kind of mentality.

This is very true no matter whatever protestations to the contrary some pretentious holier-than-thou people may try to argue. In fact, anyone who tries to deny the fact of the preponderance of the natural dog-eat-dog attitude in all of us would actually be trying to corruptly influence you for their own advantage. They would be trying to lull you into losing focus so that they can unfairly or corruptly take advantage of you.

INTRINSICALLY

:e have to accept the fact that human beings are all intrinsically inclined to be corrupt by nature and there is absolutely nothing which we can do about that. This is regardless of what our religious priests, or anybody else for that matter, may say about it.

As human beings, we are all corrupt. )ull stop. 0aybe to be a little bit kinder on ourselves, we must say that all of us can be corrupt, or can be corrupted sometimes. It is only if and when we accept this fact that we can then begin to effectively deal with corruption.

Otherwise, if we continue to pretend to be angels in this regard, we shall

+e didn¶t wait for us to get home, he decided to do the whopping right there on the streets. It was embarrassing and shameful. )rom that moment on, my programming was that it¶s a shameful thing to be seen walking with the opposite sex and you get punished for it.

&onsequently I struggled even as an adult with walking in public with someone I was in relationship with openly, I was always on the lookout, and holding hands was far-fetched for me.

There are lessons that we learned in our family constellations that are truly difficult to let go and unlearn. Some of them very toxic. These lessons are those we picked up, sometimes without being told. Some of them through observation. The kinds of relationships that we had.

BEHAVIOURS

The conversations we use to have with ourselves can be easily opened and closed in our behaviours just like that traffic bridge.

The goals we leaned towards because of our circumstances, shaped our thinking and I think under a different set of circumstances we would have aspired to be a different kind of people.

There are ingrained lessons that we may need to unlearn. And now, we have to unlearn a lot of things, some of which we though were great things and some of which we didn¶t like, and vowed we didn¶t want them to be a part of our lives. never be able to tackle corruption, let alone beat it. Anti-corruption laws and anti-corruption commissions are not effective in tackling corruption.

1ot at all It is only anti-corruption principles, practices, operating systems, processes, procedures, means and mechanisms, and not just anti-corruption institutions which are effective in tackling corruption. In fact, anti-corruption institutions such as anti-corruption commissions, agencies or authorities actually run the risk of being havens of corruption themselves

This is because corruption is naturally found in individuals, and is aided by the laxity which is found in operating systems. Once systemic laxity is taken care of, corruption would not be able to rear its ugly head.

PROBLEMS

5eceived wisdom says that in any operating system, only per cent of problems originate from the people involved, while per cent of challenges originate from the system itself. So how can corruption be successfully tackled through anti-corruption visions, values, traditions, cultures, operating systems and practices and not through potentially corrupt anti-corruption institutions"

The first and most important step is to expect and anticipate corruption in everything, which involves people or human beings. This is because corruption, whether intentionally or unintentionally executed, is part of human nature. &orruption is part of normal life. It is even a normal part of life. &orruption is innate, inborn, self-centred, nepotistic, highly secretive, intimate, very private and stubbornly persistent. Once we know, realise and accept these basic and intrinsic facts about corruption, we then would be more able to successfully fight and win against it.

5efusing to accept the fact that corruption

%ut in adult life we find ourselves gravitating towards them, becoming those things we despise. Somewhat asking ourselves again, how did we end up like these.

)or instance some of the ingrained lessons we have is that we must be perfectionist or people pleasers, and this is as a consequence of being ignored as children or having our needs unmet, because of that we become people pleasers and give our all to everyone as compensation for us not getting enough from our parents.

One of the other ingrained lessons we pick up is that emotional connection isn¶t safe. 0ost of our parents may not have had the time and patience to be vulnerable with each other in our presence, let alone with us. +onest and genuine healthy conversations were either held in the privacy of their bedroom, or not held at all.

ADAPTIVE

(ven though this might have served as a defence mechanism or adaptive response, as human beings we are hardwired to and hungry for connection.

:e want to be able to be vulnerable and have know it¶s safe to be vulnerable with us. %ut when we struggle with the discomfort of being vulnerable because we have labelled it unsafe then our natural adaptive instincts is to disconnect. And then we consciously sabotage relationships, while constantly reinforcing the is there and that it is the natural tendency of all human beings regardless of their social, political, religious or economic standings, would not help in fighting and wining against it. There is corruption even in religious circles +ence some people believe that they are the chosen ones

The next step towards fighting corruption is to know and understand that corruption hates openness and publicity. &orruption is the natural friend of dishonestly and secretiveness. As such, in order to win against corruption, any transactions must be carried out very openly and publicly as well.

)or example, public tender processes must not only be open and known to the general public like the back of their hands, but the procedures must also gunner the support and endorsement of the majority of the very same general public as well in terms of their openness and publicity.

/ikewise, bidding for tenders must also be very open, public and truly competitive with absolutely no chances of insider trading. Tender adjudication processes, contract monitoring, evaluation and administration must be very open and public as well.

CONSIDERATIONS

They must also be based on well publicised and factual considerations. They must also be presided upon by non-connected adjudicators, who have publicly proven competencies in the tendered fields. All adjudicators must publicly declare their personal interests beforehand and or must recused themselves from tender management processes.

It is secrecy, the non-disclosure of personal interests and or relationships, and the failure to recuse oneself from business management processes e.g. tender adjudication, administration or management , which gives rise to the possibility of corruption.

)or the same reasons, laws which prohibit certain people or businesses from partaking in certain business processes such as tendering for public contracts more often than not promote corruption rather than help to eradicate it. Such laws force people to operate while hidden in the background and with hidden identities.

This only makes corruption far worse and far more difficult to detect and or to eradicate than otherwise. It is better to allow everyone to do business with government as long as there is full and public disclosure of personal interests and also full and complete recusal of all personally interested, affected and

toxic lesson that vulnerability isn¶t safe.

The most difficult lesson to unlearn also is hiding your feelings, this is because when we were children, if we grew up in a toxic, abusive, or neglectful home environment, we were not taught how to experience or express feelings in a healthy way, because we had never been shown how to.

As a result, we grow up to become adults who internalise emotions and may even engage in acts of self-harm, and avoid confrontation or be unwilling to participate in truthful expressions.

INSULTING

Similarly, if we grew up in a home where adults or care givers were shaming, insulting or abusing us for being ourselves, it¶s natural that we would hide who we truly are, and what we truly aspire to become throughout our lives to stay safe.

This is also particularly true for children who were silenced a lot at home because they loved to talk. In siSwati, we even use to have words for others who were like that.

Of the most significant toxic programming is that love is conditional, this belief stemmed from receiving praise or affection only when things or chores growing were done according to the care giver¶s standard and being punished when things were not.

In our minds, growing up, what was related parties from the contract drafting, tendering, adjudication, administration and management processes.

In short, openness tends to help eradicate corruption while secrecy tends to promote it. It is as simple as all that. %ut believe me, the most difficult decision to make for every politician in this world is the decision to go public or to be open about anything

The process of making this decision is itself so riddled with corruption that a corruption free outcome in this regard is almost politically impossible to achieve. The world which we live in today is thoroughly corrupt, but the battle can and must still be won

In whatever we do, we must always be aware of the fact that we do not see it as corruption if and when it benefits us. :e only want to, or begin to see it as corruption only if and when it does not benefit us. +ence when we get places for our children at kindergarten, primary school, high school, college or university ahead of similarly qualifying students just because of personal, relationship or business connections, we do not want to see or admit it to actually be corruption, and yet it would be exactly just that

CONNECTED

Instead, we would usually want or like to say that we were just lucky to know one or more of the decision makers. The same applies when we get jobs for ourselves, our children or other relatives through people we know or are connected to in one way or the other.

The situation becomes worse when we talk about politics and voting. 0any politicians have won general and other public elections just because of and through corruption. In politics, corruption is exercised through many channels and by many different means.

%ribery, false promises, coercion, persuasion, threats, force, coups, nepotisms, tribalism, regionalism, xenophobia, racism and gerrymandering are some of the corruption riddled channels through which politicians get into power.

%ut as long as they are the ones benefitting, politicians do not see all this as corruption. :hen politicians bribe voters, they would swear that they do not see anything wrong with helping people in need with a little bit of money, sugar, mai]e seeds, or mealie-meal. +ence the truthfulness or correctness of the assertion that it is corruption until it benefits you 1eed I say more" 8nfortunately, corruption is here to stay, good people

registered or programmed is that when we do good things that please them then we are loved. And when we do things that make them unhappy, then they don¶t love us.

Then we were continuously striving to do good things so that we could receive the love. +owever, love is unconditional, and unlearning that love is unconditional and is not based on what you do or how correctly you do it.

+owever, healing from this learned behaviours is possible. (veryoneµs experience is different.

SELF-REFLECTION

Self-reflection is very important which means reflecting on our beliefs by paying attention to what we tell ourselves every day and exploring where those thoughts come from and also examining if this is a story you keep on telling yourself continually. And asking yourself if what you have been telling yourself still serves a purpose, and also examining the benefits and limitations of that story.

It is also possible to consider that whenever the ingrained lesson pops up, to consider this following reframe, I created this belief to survive a toxic childhood, and it helped me get through that experience and I¶m no longer that child, and I have the power to change this thought. Start and develop your own good story with positive statements you tell yourself everyday.