Kava Power

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2Bags was up and about this April, join­ing the pom­pom girls with their hula shakes and neigh­bor­hood rugby-crazed gangs in their bouts of hi­lar­i­ous laugh­ter and cheer­ing. At 34VD in Ki­noya, 2 Bags joined a zany Fiji fan, whom we will now call “Kay” be­cause of se­cu­rity is­sues. Kay is five feet some­thing, has black frizzy manji hair, the kind that makes a noisy twang when the wind blows through…(ya sara ga!). So much for the Pal­mo­live con­di­tioner she claims to ap­ply so of­ten on her wiry buiniga. Kay is a she although bi­o­log­i­cally she is a he… I guess you know what I’m try­ing to say here. But we cer­tainly don’t use the ver­nac­u­lar la­bel peo­ple branded a per­son like Kay be­fore we were drilled prop­erly in hu­man rights. Kay is a girl when it comes to do­ing house­hold chores; you know, the usual bak­ing (which goes wrong most of the time), sweep­ing, wash­ing, groom­ing, dress­ing and dat­ing. But she is a boy when it comes to snor­ing, clap­ping around the grog bowl, eat­ing and watch­ing RUGBY! “Kua sara, I used to play rugby in pri­mary and se­condary school…. that’s be­fore I fell from the pram. I mean I had al­ready fallen from the pram but was still in bubu’s closet,” Kay ex­plains. Any­way, Fiji was play­ing in the fi­nals of the Hong Kong 7s against Kenya. Each time Kenya had the ball, Kay the lady would stand up in the sit­ting room and start her wild rant­ing. “Isa Turaga. Ni vaka­lu­tuma mai lig­ana na polo qori. Me tacaqe Turaga ena seni co (OMG, knock the ball off his hands. Make him fall to the ground Lord by trip­ping on the grass)!” “Kere wai. Kere wai levu. Me ra­tou luvu Turaga. Me sunami sara ga(Give me wa­ter, give me a river so that they can drown Lord. Send them a tsn­umi” Well I never, which part of Kay is Chris­tian? 2 Bags doesn’t know, coz she seems to pos­sess to­tal ha­tred for Fiji’s 7s op­po­nents. Who­ever they may me. The irony? Yes, every Sun­day, you can spot Kay in a long black ma­ter­nity dress and leop­ard-printed sneak­ers go­ing to church with Bi­ble in hand. Just re­cently she got back from church, high on mar­i­juana. “I am a die hard Fiji fan. Some­times I just wished I was on the pitch play­ing rugby but then I re­mem­ber I am Miss Kay and I have to sit pretty like a lady and wait for our rug­gers to come home and have a good body mas­sage,” she said. Well lucky Fiji won in Hong Kong. Oth­er­wise, Kay would have a ner­vous break­down. She went to a vil­lage in Naitasiri for the week­end when Fiji played against New Zealand in the fi­nal of the Com­mon­wealth Games. So 2 Bags never got to ex­pe­ri­ence her spe­cial kind of cheer­ing during the Com­mon­wealth Games on the Gold Coast …the kind that is half a cheer and half a swear. But 2 Bags heard she got into an ar­gu­ment with the Turaga ni koro. 2 Bags also heard she was plan­ning to watch the Coca-Cola Games and would cheer for Wain­i­mala Ju­nior Se­condary School (her ex school). Well, judg­ing by how bad her for­mer school per­formed over a decade, 2 Bags can only imag­ine the war of words at the ANZ Sta­dium. Isa Miss Kay! Please kerekere. Bau oca! Don’t em­bar­rass us at the sta­dium. Sa rauti keda­tou vinaka ga o Ki­noya!!

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