Violence and abuse
WHENEVER our grand-daughters visit (they’re four and two years), I’ve noticed they’re beginning to mimic us. For example, as soon as we start dancing they begin copying us. Watching them go for it is a sight to see. However, the only down side is — when our legs begin giving out from the exertion, their energetic little bodies are only just warming up so they become stridently vocal about wanting to pull us back onto the “dance floor”!
Children are a reflection of their parents and the children they’re constantly with. By osmosis, they begin picking up many of our mannerisms. When viewed from the perspective of what else they could be learning from us, it’s a sobering thought.
So we’re a little cautious. More than anything children can begin mimicking and “mouthing” many of our negative behaviours.
For example when children see their parents quarrelling or abusing each other they can store that information. Or if children observe elders in the community abusing or assaulting one another they can follow in their footsteps. Unfortunately, they can begin mimicking the same behaviour patterns as a way of dealing with conflict later in life.
About 64 per cent of women in Fiji are the subject of violence and abuse.
As the staggering statistic began hitting home I began lamenting why this problem is so endemic in our beautiful islands. Why is it happening at such an alarmingly high frequency — could it be we’re in denial because of our cultural and religious sensitivities?
Or does the problem go deeper into the psyche of why Fijian men, especially, behave the way they do? And then it dawned on me — if we’re carrying unresolved emotional baggage there’s a possibility we may become prone to violence. When our guard’s are down because of alcohol or drug related substance abuse or when we’re intimidated, cornered or feeling vulnerable there’s the likelihood of us being in a headspace where we’re sometimes unable to make conscious, rational choices of doing the right thing. But something else began niggling me — could our fight or flight nature inherent in our DNA play a pivotal role in our reckless and abhorrent behaviour patterns?
In-depth studies conducted by behavioural scientists around our fight and flight nature tell us that human beings have a bio-chemical reaction when faced with danger. They’ve discovered that our bodies have a natural, builtin stress response to threatening situations to either fight or flee. I’m of the view, rightly or wrongly, that many of us are unable to separate our age-old fight and flight tendencies because we’re un-schooled and unskilled in understanding or even separating the difference between a real or an imaginary threat.
Tragically, many of us still rely on our base human instincts during a conflict by resorting to the only way our DNA knows how.
When our pained emotions cloud our judgement we forget the person in front of us is not our enemy but a cherished loved one. We hate admitting it, but our fleshly weaknesses in the areas of handling conflict are probably our biggest hurdle in a relationship.
Taming our short fuse impulses is possible but it’ll take time and discipline in learning how to handle our wayward feelings.
So in the face of a possible threat, when our survival instincts go into high alert because we’re merely acting out what comes naturally to our fight or flight nature, how can we calm and restrain our fiery ego-driven impulses?
Some might suggest we need a greater degree of self-control. I agree. However, is it enough? Many of us lose all sense of decency and rational reasoning during a conflict. It’s only afterwards, when our conscience kicks in, that we feel ashamed of our words and actions. I believe many of us men are hopelessly weak in the area of resolving conflict and confrontation simply because we aren’t disciplined enough in reigning in our base level instincts.
Some may think I’m sugar-coating things justifying why men, especially, struggle with erratic behaviour patterns. Nothing is further from the truth. I’m trying to fathom the causes of violence and abuse because I’m a guy and men are the major perpetrators. We need to get to the heart of why it’s happening and begin addressing the root causes.
I grew up in a home with both alcohol abuse and domestic violence. It wasn’t a pretty sight. All the yelling and screaming, pushing and shoving used to make us anxious and nervous. In fact, as a child I was downright scared of what might happen to my parents. I was terrified they might hurt each other and end up in prison. I was five when my parents separated and, tragically, I carried my anguish into adulthood unable to comprehend why I was like a ticking time bomb. I’m ashamed admitting it, but I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I felt this way until I sought help.
Thankfully, my counsellor helped uncover and reconcile so many of my damaged emotions deeply embedded from my childhood. I’d locked everything away as a coping mechanism. I was under the mistaken belief it wouldn’t affect me.
Big mistake! All of my damaged emotions were always simmering under the surface waiting for something to “trigger” an explosion.
If left unresolved, children can carry deep emotional scars that can begin adversely affecting them. And tragically, some children feel ashamed admitting they’re suffering from separation anxiety, unresolved anger or even depression. They cleverly camouflage their emotions to keep their parents from worrying needlessly, so they suffer in silence.
In the twilight years of my life I’ve come to understand a lot about my emotions — about my fears and wayward feelings and about why I react to different issues and situations when things may call for calm and a clear head.
I’ve managed to come to a good place, not only in my personal headspace but in handling my once damaged emotions. It hasn’t been easy. At times I’ve regressed. With lots of trial and error I’ve managed to apply a practical principle that now helps calm my head-butting ego from spiralling out of control.
I call it “POS” — which is an acronym that simply stands for “positive opposite spirit”.
Sometime ago, when I was searching for answers to some of my own issues, I discovered POS. I came across this profoundly enlightening and practical solution from a scripture in Galatians Chapter 5 verses 16-17: “So I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is in “opposition” to the spirit and the spirit what is in opposition to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other so you are not able to do whatever you want.”
To begin with, I hadn’t a clue how to apply this scripture to my personal life. For example, how does one “walk” in their “spirit” rather than the “flesh”? When faced with a confounding question I pray and ask God’s guidance.
Next, I begin searching for enlightenment from different sources because I know He’ll guide me into finding whatever it is I’m seeking. Here’s what I found — there are more than 800 references to the word “heart” in the Bible. Most of these references do not deal with our physical organ but with our “spiritual heart” or what’s also known as our “inner man”. Our “inner man” is a genderless description relating to the central core of our being.
Another resource that’s helped me is watching NDE’s (Near Death Experiences) on Youtube. Many people of every age and ethnic description from all over the world pronounced clinically dead experienced an out of body encounter then came back to life. Others who were being operated on during surgery tell of mystifying experiences while under the “knife”. One of these stories has been made into a magnificent movie called “Heaven Is For Real”. It’s a story of a four-year-old boy’s meeting with Jesus while he was on the operating table at a US hospital. What he experiences will have you spell-bound. Can the existence of our “spirit being” be proven scientifically?
Some years ago, as I was searching for answers to a question, I felt led to join my local library. After getting my Library Card, I said a quick prayer and asked what I needed to be searching for. I felt a “quickening” and then a thought crossed my mind – “look for books on light!” The Library Assistant guided me to a computer whereupon I began researching the subject. I was astounded by the staggering number of books on the topic. Totally exasperated, I asked the Lord, “Which one am I supposed to read?” As I continued scrolling through the massive list a title seemed to leap out at me - “Light Years — The Extraordinary Story of Mankind’s Fascination With Light”.
I had no idea it was a physics book. My brain began doing cartwheels trying to understand the complex world of light and physics. Then just over half way through the book something amazing happened.
Physicists have discovered that the human body has a “fireball of light energy”.
Imagine that – we’re a “fireball of light energy” – both “spirit” and “matter”! I thanked God for His gracious guidance in leading me to this profound enlightenment of truth. We are “spirit beings” in His awesome creation. Which is why it states in the Bible that we’ve been made in the image and likeness of God. All of a sudden the words of Galatians Chapter 5 Verses 16-17 began resonating with a power and majesty I’d never understood before.
How to live in the “POS” has taken on new meaning. Whenever I’m faced with any kind of conflict feeling I want to lash out in anger I pause, take a deep breath and remember to allow my “POS” into the equation. It helps calm my emotions so that I can think clearly without allowing my ferocious fleshly driven fight or flight nature from going berserk.
My experimentation with POS has not only given me a technique to help calm a potentially volatile situation – it’s also given me a tool to diffuse my fleshly driven ego that’s always trying to lead the charge as if it’s some kind of personal defender which it certainly isn’t!
POS has brought me a sense of inexplicable peace and comfort during times of conflict and confrontation or when things look like going pear shaped.
The reason for sharing the principle of POS is to help men especially come to a place of restraint without doing irreparable harm to the people we love. And if there’s one thing I would encourage men with damaged emotions like me to do – please seek the help of a good Counsellor or Psychologist who can guide you through the process of healing and restoration so that you can become the role model you’ve always been destined to be.
May you and your family enjoy a memorable Christmas laced with love, peace and joy and may the New Year give you a new beginning.