She lied and cheated, now she wants to be friends

I am a 23-year-old man who is currently confused. For the past three and a half years I have been in a relationship with a woman, who is also 23 years old now, who appeared to be two persons all in one.

Over the duration of our relationship, we were so close. We used to laugh until tears come to our eyes, talk about life and make plans for the future, but it all changed in a snap.

About a year back, I was helping her sort out an application, while doing this her phone was in my possession. A message came from some guy and I read it and read through the history before saying anything to her, although she was right beside me sorting out the documents for me to print for her.

Minerva, everything went shooting out in my head that she was right in front of me seeking my help and look what she was doing behind my back. I decided to let it sink it before I said anything rash.

The next day, I asked her if she was in contact with or flirting with any guy; she denied. After I told her what I had found in her phone she confessed, saying he was her first boyfriend. But initially, she had told me she never had a boyfriend and I was her first.

Minerva, for some reason I decided to forgive her. I guess it was because of the love I have for her and the plans we used to be making. Anyhow, fast-forwarding, things got worse. Minerva, she works and I don’t. I am furthering my studies. Every time I planned on meeting her after she got off from work, there was always an excuse: she is tired and hungry etc.

One day, I was in the area where she works unknowing to her. I contacted her and she told me that she was not feeling well so she was going home. About 10 minutes later, I saw her standing with the very guy (who she claimed to be her ex).

Minerva, when I questioned her the next day, she started crying and said she was being unfair to me and she does that like three times a week. She said she has been in dialogue with him for two years and that he is her first love again and even if he treats her bad she deserves it. I really could not take it anymore so I decided to go my way.

Minerva, to my surprise, she is now messaging asking if we can’t be friends and saying she will be one of the best friends to me.

Minerva, I just want to be left alone. I am at a place where I don’t trust people anymore. I put my everything into her, all my efforts, my time, everything and it is hard. I am afraid I will never trust again. Please help. What should I do?

Hurt

Dear Hurt, Why are you confused? To me, having read your letter, it is clear that your ex-girlfriend, hurt you. She admitted that she was lying to you for two years of your relationship. Not only that, she lied from the inception by not only pretending she never had a boyfriend before you, but actually saying it.

When after a period of communicating with her ex she decided to give that relationship another try, she neglected to tell you. So she was cheating on you as well as on him.

I don’t think you can be friends with her, at least not now. Maybe years from now you can see each other and say hi, but there is too much hurt and there was too much deceit for there to be a friendship. Friends don’t treat their friends that way, so she cannot be your best friend.

While I get that you are hurt and you will feel bitter, you should not allow one dishonest person to colour your view of the entire world. Don’t feel like you will never trust again because you can and you should.

We are all individuals, right? Don’t you feel that you are someone who can be trusted? And if you did not have this experience and there was a girl you had just met who may have had a bad experience, wouldn’t you hope that she could see you were a different person? Someone who could be trusted?

Not everyone is like your ex, so don’t write off the entire world. What you should do though is take time to heal and get over this bad experience. You would do it faster if you ceased all communication with her. You don’t need the constant reminder that things went wrong.

You are pursuing tertiary education, so put your all into your studies instead. This will certainly prove beneficial to you. If you’re having difficulties with relationships, or matters of the heart, Minerva gives you straight answers. Write to Dear Minerva, c/o Sunday Stabroek; or send an email to minervasunstab@yahoo.com If you have problems with or questions about sex and sexuality, get Advice from Aphrodite. Write to Dear Aphrodite, c/o Sunday Stabroek; or send an email to aphroditesunstab@yahoo.com