Lifestyle » 21 Relationship:

Divorce is an unpleasant process. But it becomes even more awful when the separating couple cannot reach an agreement and find themselves engaged in litigation.

When you’re planning to get married, what better way to find out more about your beloved than spending a few days living alone with their parents? In Alone With the In-Laws, Bristol couple Chris and Stacey do just that — braving a stay with each other’s mums and dads and living to tell the tale. Here’s how to navigate those first delicate in-law encounters …

1. Don’t try to kiss them, unless they give some indication that they are going to kiss you first.

2. Do stick to uncontroversial subjects, conversation-wise. Safe topics: what beautiful window boxes you have. Lovely cake. How long have you lived around here?

3. Do take a gift. Flowers and decent wine are safe bets. Books are too risky — ie, can come across as pretentious or trying too hard.

4. Don’t offer to carve.

5. Do check around carefully before you sit down. What at first appears to be a fluffy cushion might in fact be their beloved chihuahua.

6. Don’t ask to borrow anything — particularly money, but even something as innocuous as a ratty old paperback on a bookshelf. It suggests that you have been nosing around their possessions.

7. Do accept the sleeping arrangements as presented to you, without sulking or making a point of dragging single beds together in the middle of the night.

8. Don’t say ‘Has he always snored like that? It’s like sleeping in a farmyard.’

9. Do use a coaster.

10. Don’t say, ‘So, were you evacuated in the war?’ They probably weren’t even born until 1952.

11. Do tuck into whatever they have cooked for you. No need to touch upon any digestive issues at all.

12. Don’t assume that, as they were pre-warned you’re a vegetarian, they will pay heed. ‘They hid a lump of flesh in the bottom of my soup!’ an ex of mine bleated, after his first visit to my parents. In fact, they had just forgotten.

13. Do mention your own parents in fond terms, but don’t brag. Saying, ‘Of course, my parents are intellectuals’ might imply that you find this lot a bit dim.

14. Do admire their garden — but don’t say, ‘That’s a lovely big bush you have, Margaret. How do you keep it looking so lush?’

15. And don’t smoke out there.

16. Don’t take personal comments personally. They are probably as on edge as you are, and a jovial remark such as, ‘Gosh, you’re a big girl!’ was probably only meant in fun. Probably …

17. Do offer to pick up the tab. This is not the time for bill-splitting.

18. Don’t start any sentences with, ‘Have you ever thought of …’ especially if it concerns moving their sofa to face a different direction, or repositioning a clock.

19. Don’t mention the relative you’ve heard about who may have been in jail at some point.

20. Do go easy on the booze. Grabbing the wine bottle from the table and topping up your own glass may have you marked as a borderline alcoholic.

21. Don’t stress too much. While it would wonderful to become close to your in-laws, developing a reasonably congenial relationship is probably a pretty decent result.

Fiona Gibson’s new novel, The Woman Who Met Her Match, was published on April 13 (Avon)