Lifestyle
Witnessing ongoing conflict between parents can affect a child’s mental health
Parenthood: Witnessing ongoing conflict between parents can affect a child’s mental health. Find out what parents need to know about arguing.
As parents, we try not to row in front of our children. Instinctively, we know they find it hard to cope when we’re at odds with one another, and they’re disturbed if our arguments become persistent or hostile. This is plain common sense.
But there’s some important information that all parents need to be aware of. A study by the University of York has found that the children of divorced parents are more damaged by the arguments that occurred during the marriage, than by the split itself. Witnessing fights at home, means they are 30 per cent more likely to develop behavioural issues than those kids with married parents.
The study comes on the heels of a report by the Early Intervention Foundation (EIF) — where I am chief executive — along with the University of Sussex. Published last year, it found that unresolved conflict between parents has a potent influence on children’s early development, mental health and future life chances.
This is true whether the parents are together or apart. Having disagreements is normal, of course. What does the harm is the ‘unresolved’ part. Children need to know how arguments can be settled, allowing life to move on.
Mental health
Ongoing conflict between parents can affect a child’s mental health, the development of their social and emotional skills, academic attainment — and can impact their ability to form future relationships. It can also damage their physical health, lasting through their adult lives and into the next generation. And it starts early.
Babies as young as six months show higher physiological symptoms of distress, such as an elevated heart rate, in response to overt exchanges between their parents, when compared to exchanges between adults who are not parents.
But children of all ages can be affected by destructive inter-parental conflict — outwardly through high levels of aggression, hostility and violence; inwardly through low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and, in extreme cases, suicidal feelings.
I found the new report, which was commissioned by the Department for Work and Pensions, striking both as a parent and because of the implications for my work. The EIF’s mission is to improve the life chances of children at risk by using effective early intervention — reaching them before any problems escalate.
Much of the focus of early intervention, in recent years, has been on the relationship between the parents — usually the mother and child. These can range from parenting groups to therapeutic support and many of the approaches are effective. But this report suggests that it’s actually the quality of the inter-parental relationship that has a significant influence on both children’s longterm psychological outcomes and the quality of parenting they receive.
This is an important issue that services aren’t really considering. It’s a critical missing piece of the jigsaw.
It also resonates with day-to-day experience. We may kid ourselves that our children don’t notice rows, but the reality is they’re highly perceptive and attuned to how their parents relate to each other. How children perceive their parents’ level of conflict determines how they expect their parents to behave towards them — and this, in turn, can lead to psychological distress.
Parent-child relationship
What’s fascinating is that conflict between parents has more of an impact on the relationship between a father and his child than a mother and her child.
As a dad, if you’re having frequent difficulties in your relationship with the mother of your children, this is more likely to filter into how you relate to and parent your offspring. Mums seem to be better at insulating their children from this spillover effect.
This is important for thinking about the best ways of supporting families and children to address these issues. Policy and services need to consider the couple relationship (together or apart) as well as the parent-child relationship — and it needs to address fathers as well mothers.
There is a growing international body of well-evidenced interventions,which have positive impact son both parents and children. But policymakers and commissioners should consider support for both the couple themselves and the parenting relationship. Just targeting the general parental-child relationship, in the context of ongoing parental conflict, does not lead to sustained positive outcomes for children.
How we currently organise services is very far away from this. Child and Adolescent Mental Health services are focused on the child or young person, rather than the family. Many local authorities separate adult and children’s services, making it very difficult to take a whole family approach.
Ante natal classes may help prepare couples for the birth experience, but they rarely cover the impact a new baby can have their relationship. Relationship support services are stretched and have not traditionally focused on the impact on children. Schools are often aware of problems but are wary of intervening unless there are child protection issues.
We need more emphasis on teaching children and young people ways of managing conflict to better prepare them for life ahead.
Most parents desperately want the best for their kids. We must put families at the heart of how we organise services and give parents the confidence to seek help if they need it. The Government’s aspiration to improve life chances depends on it.