Anger and relationships

Relationship conflict is natural and it has functional, positive aspects. For example, it helps us learn how to better love and understand our partners, deal with change, and renew the friendship and connection over time.

Research shows that in successful longterm relationships, partners try to manage rather than eliminate conflict. Totally conflict-free relationships aren't necessarily healthy relationships. Also, conflictavoidant couples aren't necessarily the strongest, most emotionally stable couples. By avoiding conflict, they can become emotionally distant and fail to express what they need from one another and the relationship. Eventually, this can result in built-up resentment and dissatisfaction, which in turn can lead to people looking outside the relationship for their emotional needs to be met. Relationships are destroyed because of emotional distance not conflict.

One of the most difficult things when anger is directed at us by a loved one is not to personalise it and become defensive. When feeling attacked, our natural instinct is to fight back and defend the personal perceived attack. It's hard not to personalise such an attack. However, it's helpful to take a step back instead of reacting. Create a response to your partner's feelings by managing your own emotional arousal, and try to be curious and understanding of where the anger might be coming from.

It's never helpful to say “calm down” or “you're overreacting”; such statements are dismissive of your partner's feelings and imply that their feelings don't matter or are unacceptable.

We can't try to hide or bury our emotions – especially anger and frustration. Instead, we need to speak up when we feel sad, irritated or frightened – particularly in a time of uncertainty such as that brought on by the COVID-19 crisis. It's this type of emotional exercise that can make irritability shrink. Not only that, but when we share what we need, we're in a better position to validate not only our own feelings, but the feelings of our loved ones, too.

On the flipside, if your childhood experience was one where the expression of anger was not allowed, then it can be paralysing and scary for you, too. Open and honest communication with your partner about what anger means to you can lead to better understanding and managing these conflicts better in the relationship.

Try not to take responsibility and solve your partner's anger for them just because their anger scares you. Communicate this clearly and instead try to create a dialogue that creates a deeper understanding and validation for you both.