Charm is per­son­al­ity’s per­fume

Don’t keep your face im­pas­sive when you meet or be­gin deal­ing with an­other hu­man be­ing.

Alive - - Contents - by I. M. Soni

Per­son­al­ity is lim­ited to do­nate in­ter­per­sonal role, both ex­plicit and im­plicit. Role means the form and style of in­ter­per­sonal re­la­tion­ship. The ex­plicit role is ver­bal; the im­plicit role is non­ver­bal. Charm is bloom on a per­son­al­ity. It mag­ne­tizes. This as­set of per­son­al­ity is not in­born. It can be de­vel­oped by any one by fol­low­ing cer­tain tech­niques.

Here are some tech­niques to de­velop charm in your per­son­al­ity.

Be nice, this is the essence of charm. Real charm does not seek to please so much as demon­strate con­cern.

When you meet some­body, say with gen­uine warmth: Hello! How pleas­ant to see you! How are you? This greet­ing not only gives plea­sure, it also gives ex­tra lit­tle psy­cholo­gies lift.

Be­lieve that given pa­tience on your side it is pos­si­ble to tol­er­ate awk­ward­ness and un­kind­ness and man­age to agree to dif­fer. Don’t ride shod on oth­ers feel­ings by ask­ing tact­less ques­tions and mak­ing thought­less re­marks. Ac­cord­ing to Car­di­nal New­man a gen­tle­man in one who never in­flicts ital­ics. Scrupu­lously avoid hurt­ing oth­ers.

Don’t keep your face im­pas­sive when you meet or be­gin deal­ing with an­other hu­man be­ing. Demon­strate pos­i­tive re­sponse-plea­sure, in­ter­est, en­quiry, cu­rios­ity, friend­li­ness, will­ing­ness to help. Look ev­ery inch alive, alert and vi­brant. Speak with an­i­ma­tion warmth, en­thu­si­asm and hu­mour. Aim at look­ing pleased when you meet peo­ple. Re­in­force your greet­ing with warmth, and friend­li­ness in your voice.

Yearn­ing

We all yearn for oth­ers to be in­ter­ested in us. Show­ing in­ter­est in other is a must if you want oth­ers to like you and feel that voice are a charm­ing and plea­sure per­son­al­ity. “If you want to make peo­ple like you”, says Dale Carnegie, “talk in terms of the other man’s in­ter­ests”.

The bad habit is rooted in envy and jeal­ousy of oth­ers. As J.K. La­vater has it. “If you are pleased at faults, you are dis­pleased at find­ing per­fec­tions.” A fault finder is a non-doer; the real doer has no time for crit­i­cis­ing oth­ers.

No one is at­tracted to the pes­simist, the moaner, the grouch, the sour­puss. The cheer­ful per­son is one who smiles read­ily. He looks younger, more at­trac­tive and more con­fi­dent. A

cheer­ful per­son is wel­come ev­ery­where. An old rich proverb has it, “con­tin­ual cheer­ful­ness is a sign of wis­dom.”

Since life is a thorny and dif­fi­cult path,

Where toils is the por­tion of man,

We should all en­deav­our, while pass­ing along,

To make it as smooth as we can.

The de­sire to at­tract and hog at­ten­tion can make us so in­sen­si­tive to other peo­ple’s feel­ings and wishes that we are dom­i­neer­ing self­ish, rude and cruel. You can be so ea­ger to talk that you con­tin­u­ally in­ter­rupt other peo­ple. You may go on talk­ing when peo­ple want you to be quiet, or pre­fer to let a subject drop or want to switch on to some­thing else. You can play the buf­foon or hurt peo­ple with your wit. You can spoil some­body’s at­tempt to do some­thing. Don’t be like the Ae­sop’s fly that sat upon the axle-tree of the char­iot wheel and said, “What a dust do I raise”.

If you are all wrapped up in your­self, you are over­dressed. The whole sense of one’s im­por­tance is merely an eval­u­a­tion of self by self. Peo­ple who give them­selves airs are shunned. Their out­look is geared to keep­ing their own end up and this gives them no time to like peo­ple and be con­cerned about them. So­cially speak­ing it means try­ing to be al­ways nice to peo­ple and not nice to them only when you feel like it. Rec­og­nize a mood be­fore it takes firm hold of you.

Make a habit of break­ing any bad mood. It is un­rea­son­able and stupid to an­tag­o­nize peo­ple sim­ply be­cause you hap­pen to feel a bit off-colour.

If you like peo­ple, you will no doubt want to help them. It is nat­u­ral to of­fer to do things for peo­ple. Not be­cause you feel you should, but be­cause that is the way you are. Peo­ple who are gen­uinely charm­ing are will­ing to co-op­er­ate and re­main open-hearted with their time and money. They do not hold back, wait­ing to be asked, or won­der­ing whether they will look silly. In­stead they say, I’ll do it”, “I’ll try!”, “I’ll help you!”

It is co-op­er­a­tion.

Mar­cus Aure­lius said, “We are made for co-op­er­a­tion, like feet, like hands, like eye­lids, like the rows of the up­per and lower teeth, to act against one an­other to be waxed and turn away.” Mark Twain said, “I can live for two month on a good com­pli­ment.” It doesn’t cost us much to en­cour­age oth­ers in their ac­tiv­i­ties or in cop­ing with their prob­lems. A few words, ques­tions or two, a scribed note are all that is re­quired. Re­solve to go through life giv­ing new zest and joy to peo­ple by dis­pens­ing en­cour­age­ment and ap­pre­ci­a­tion at ev­ery op­por­tu­nity.

Hun­gry for what?

Old and young, skilled and un­skilled, ex­pert or novice, the in­tel­li­gent and the not-so-bright, all thrive on a few well-cho­sen words. Less Gi­b­lin in How you can have Con­fi­dence and Power in deal­ing with Peo­ple, says, “Peo­ple ev­ery­where are hun­gry for praise and ap­pre­ci­a­tion. When we give them what they are hun­gry for, they are much more likely to be gen­er­ous in giv­ing us what we want from them, whether it is their skill man­ual work, ideas, co-op­er­a­tion, or what not.” To re­fuseprise is to cen­sure!

To be un­der­stand­ing and sym­pa­thetic is an­other way of help­ing our fel­low-be­ings as Harry and Bonaro Over­street put it: “The drama of un­der­stand­ing is the drama of go­ing forth to meet life more than half way. It is the drama of try­ing to see the other per­son’s point of view; of try­ing to foibles through other peo­ple’s con­cerns and life con­di­tions.” Noth­ing in a fel­low hu­man be­ing can be alien to us. As Rabbi Leo Baeck puts it, “To be a man means to be a fel­low man. I am to make the man be­side me my fel­low man by my will and my deed.”

Apa­thy never at­tracted any­one or any­thing. Who­ever minted the phrase: “I couldn’t care less” has done con­sid­er­able harm. In all your trans­ac­tions with oth­ers try to show en­thu­si­asm, zest, keen­ness, live­li­ness, alive­ness. These qual­i­ties should be ev­i­dent on your face and in your voice. There is noth­ing smart, noth­ing clever, noth­ing at­trac­tive in your look­ing surly, bored, ca­sual, ap­a­thetic. Healthy ful­filled peo­ple are en­thu­si­as­tic about life. They like life. Oth­ers like to have such peo­ple around be­cause en­thu­si­asm is con­ta­gious says, H.N. Cas­son, “The supreme h.p. is not horse power. It is heart power the great­est of all prime movers.”

The de­sire to at­tract and hog at­ten­tion can make us so in­sen­si­tive to other peo­ple’s feel­ings and wishes that we are dom­i­neer­ing self­ish, rude and cruel. You can be so ea­ger to talk that you con­tin­u­ally in­ter­rupt other peo­ple. You may go on talk­ing when peo­ple want you to be quiet, or pre­fer to let a subject drop or want to switch on to some­thing else.

No one is at­tracted to the pes­simist, the moaner, the grouch and the sour­puss.

Re­in­force your greet­ing with warmthand friend­li­ness in your voice.

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