Five stories of men’s regret
The New York Times invited male readers to tell about their high school experiences. Had you ever behaved toward girls or women the way you now regret, they were asked. Here are some select accounts, writes
Late on the Friday afternoon of September 21, the same week that Christine Bl asey Ford went public with accusations of sexual assault against Brett K ava na ugh, The New York Times invited male readers to tell us
about their high school experiences. Had you, we asked, ever behaved toward girls or women in ways you now regret? By Monday morning, we had more than 750 responses. Not all of them were from men re counting past experiences of committing or witnessing sexual assault. Some told us that they’ d always conducted themselves respect fully :“We knew VERY well what was appropriate and not appropriate ,” one wrote .“Forcing women to do anything was not only illegal, it was grotesque .” A number of men told of being too terrified of girls to have done anything of the sort. A number of women said they were frustrated to see that we were once again seeking to view the world from a male perspective.
But a remarkable number of stories poured in from men about past mis behaviour. The stories covered a wide spectrum of sexual misconduct, some of it deeply disturbing: there were multiple submissions that discussed participating in gang rapes. In others, men looked back and thought differently on activities that might be considered the everyday realm of high school boys :“I would walk up to girls in my school and undo their bras. I thought it was funny but they thought it was horrible ,” one wrote .“I felt like I had aright to touch them or undo their bras as a joke and honestly thought it was OK .” Above all, the submissions were striking for their can do ur: they were, or at least seemed to be, submitted by men genuinely questioning why they had once conducted themselves in ways of which they now felt ashamed.
We had to leave out many compelling submissions, because The Times decided we would not publish these stories anonymous ly. And so, many of the same men who submitted searching accounts of who they once were declined to attach their names .“As much as I want to see this conversation move our country forward, I cannot lose my employment. Icannot lose my reputation ,” one said. Most of the people willing to be on the record were either of retirement age or close to it.
Below are the stories of men who chose to share. Some of them anguished over whether to do so. Those who chose to share often said they felt they could contribute something important.
“It required some agony to say yes, but I have tried to live as honestly as Ia mable to do ,” wrote Arthur J Slav in .“We all need to help this discussion go forward .”
1. Patrick Herron TWO OF MY FRIEND SANDI ONCE TOOK A DRIVE WITH A GIRL WHO LIVED ON MYSTREET.
We drove to the top of Mulhol land Drive and told her she would have to walk home unless she would allow us to fond le her and expose her breasts. This only occurred once when I was in the car, but it was a sort of trick to play on girls that had been“passed down” by one of my friend’ s older brothers. As a father of two millennial daughter san done millennial son, Iwouldbe horrified today if anything close to that ever occurred. This is the first time I have ever spokenaboutit.
When I look back at being a 15-year-old, in 1966-67, it just felt like an anything-goes kind of environment. What stayed with me about this was somehow both the innocence of youth and the giddy power I felt over this girl. She never told her parents about this. We met again last year at a funeral for a mutual high school friend, and she was very cordial, albeit brief. I did not offer an apology because the circumstances of the interaction were public, with other classmates and family around us. As I drove away it occurred to me how embarrassed I felt meeting her again, and I wondered how she viewed me as an adult now.
2. Gene Biringer WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, A GROUP OF10TO12FRIENDS— BOYSANDGIRLS —OCCASIONALLY INDULGED IN FRIENDLY“RUMBLES,”
akindofgroup wrestling match. I suppose it was away to express our need for a little chaos amid our structured suburban lives. O nonesuch occasion, I took advantage of the evening darkness and the jumble of bodies to grope the breast of a girl to whom I was attracted and in whose presence I felt intimidated, because of her beauty, intellect, and grace. It was a spontaneous, unpremeditated act— too public for me to have derived any sexual pleasurefromit; toomeaningful, becauseof who she was, for me to have targeted someone else. I think I did it because she seemed otherwise out of reach for me; perhaps such one-sided contact was all the intimacy I could ever hope to enjoy with her. Andyet, withsomanyelbows, knees, hands, and feet flying about, I also recall making an instantaneous calculation: Maybe I can get awaywiththis.
I don’ t know whether she ever knew who groped her, but she immediately extricated herself from the pile, clearly upset, and promptly left without saying a word. I have never forgotten the look on her face: she seemedatoncehurt, disappointed, indignant, andbewildered. Seeingher expression, I was seized with re morse for whatI’ddone, although I had not the courage to confess and apologi se, then or later. But I was so ashamed that I’ ve never done anything of the kind since then. I can imagine that int he early1970s,mym ale friends( and perhaps men generally) would have regarded my action as relatively harmless, against the broad spectrum of sexual misconduct. For my own part, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’ t re ali se how wrong it was until I saw the young woman’ s reaction, and I’ ve regret ted it ever since.
3. Arthur J Slavin I WAS IN THE US AIR FORCE, AGE 19. I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN TWO YEARS OLDER THAN I WAS;
we were sexually involved, but not having intercourse—I was committed to being a virgin until marriage. Our sexual life was frustrating for both of us. One night, I ur gently tried to convince her to give me oral sex. She did not want this. I did not coerce her physically, but I urged her to do something she rejected, and I played on our emotional entanglement until she did. This was wrong, harmfultoher, andIknewit. Ihavethought about that night ever since, repelled by my behaviour toward a young woman I cared for.
I knew it was wrong then, ethical ly and mo rally, and Ia po log is ed the next day.
I am now in my80s.I think standards may have changed, but I think many young men stillactasIdid.
4. Fanon Frazier SECONDYEAR, COMMUNITYCOLLEGE, UPSTATENEWYORK. IWASWITH THREEOTHERGUYS; WEALLWENTTO SCHOOLTOGETHER.
OneIknewverywell —we often freestyle rapped together; the others were acquaintances.
One night, we visited a young woman’ s apartment—I knew her in passing. We got there, sheletusinside. Hergirlfriendwas there. Ieithergrewaware, orremembered, that she had a reputation as being“down ,” meaning down for a good time.
Yes, butnotthistime. Herdemeanourwas different, sadderthanusual. Clearlyshehad decidedlychanged, andsaidasmuch. Still, my party immediately started coaxing her verbal ly. Isatback, unsure of exactly where this situation was leading the six of us. She was consistently standoffish, but they continued to lead her into the dark pan try. She did not want togo. I stood outside with the victim’ s friend; weweresilent, eyesdown. Iwasfrozen. Frozentogether, Inowrealise. Thegirlfriend must have felt I was keeping watch; and though I was not, I was complicit because my party must have also thought the same.
It’ s difficult to say why I failed to intervene, but not from social ostracism. I was and am definitely ashamed of what was happening around me, but this was not why I froze. I wasn’ t sure what I was experiencing, butIknewexactlywhatwashappeningand thattheatmosphereoverwhelmed everything. Mypartywassononchalant— whetherbecausethey’ddonethisbeforeor justheardaboutitfromothers, I’mnotsure.
Idon’tactuallyknowwhathappenedto herinthepantry. I’vealwaysblockeditout untilnow, relievedshegotoutbefore unwantedsex.(That, Idofeelsureabout— whentheyleft, noone’sclotheslooked dishevelled.) Ifthatpointwerereached, heardorfeltwherewestood, Icannotsay whatthegirlfriendorImighthavedone. I nevertalkedaboutitafterwards. Ifeltitwas somethingbiggerthanmethatIcouldn’t control, andthatIdidn’thaveaplacein reprimandingthem.
WouldIbefrozeninthatsituationagain? Definitelynot— ifithappenedtoday, Iwould intervene.
5. Terry Wheaton I DATED A LOT OF GIRLS IN HIGH SCHOOL. ON MOST OF OUR DATES WE “MADE OUT ,” WITH LOTS OF KISSING, A LITTLE PETTING AND WANDERING HANDS.
My memory is that I went absolutely no further than the girl wished to go. Stopwasstop. Nowasno.
But my most vivid re collection is of kissing Diane in the back seat of a caron a double date and her just sitting there frozen. She obviously didn’ t even want to kiss. I tried again and again. She didn’ t say no or stop. She justsatthere.
To this day, I think of that experience with shame and regret. Those feelings come over meat unexpected times. AndI’mnearly82 years old now. I should have stopped. AndI’m sure I should have a po log is ed. I did neither. I’msorry, Diane.