Untie Your Tongue
Most sex-talk issues fall into one of four categories:
■ Being afraid to say what you want
■ Thinking you shouldn’t even have to say it—he should know
■ Saying it, then feeling frustrated when nothing changes
■ Feeling flummoxed as to what you want in the first place If one of these sounds like you , here’s my take on how to get the sex you want…
1 “I’M AFRAID TO SAY IT”
This is by far the biggest reason we don’t speak up; you need to work out what’s driving that fear...
■ Fear of looking stupid It’s uncomfortable to put sex into words cause it’s not something we do everyday. We worry we’ll sound like cheap porn, but that’s actually a great place to start. Imagine you’re doing a porn voice-over—say the words out loud to yourself, but really go for it. You’ll feel as mad as a box of frogs at first, but eventually, the words will sound ordinary. Then have a go at what you really want to say—it won’t sound half as bad. Men get extremely turned on when women ‘talk dirty’; it reassures them you want to have sex, so you’re already on to a winner.
■ Fear of upsetting him I know how fragile our sexual egos can be, but I’m constantly surprised by how robust men are around sex, because ultimately, he just wants good sex. Asking him to stop, start or change something in the bedroom doesn’t have to be criticism—it’s direction, and as long as it sounds inviting and not like you’re nagging him to pick up his wet towel, he’ll love it.
■ Fear of making him angry Some people react angrily to feeling criticized, embarrassed or insecure, but if you approach him with respect and care, he’ll have nothing to react to. If, however, you’re feeling angry with him, those negative vibes will leak into everything you say, whether you mean them to or not. Take the sex talk on to neutral ground. Try to be honest about how it is for you, without pointing the finger, and give him the chance to do the same. Sex mirrors the quality of your relationship. Improve one and you’ll improve both.
■ Fear of being judged If this is your fear, you’re judging yourself. Social norms are narrow when it comes to sex, and everything outside of them is considered weird or fetishtic. You can’t control your sexuality; it’s formed of gazillions of bits of info collected over a lifetime, which makes it uniquely yours and ever-changing. You can’t help what turns you on. And unless you’re putting you or someone else in danger, you’ve nothing to judge yourself for and neither does anyone else.
2 “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT”
Come now, the bedroom’s no place for tantrums. You’re frustrated— you think you’ve ‘tried everything’ and you’re furious he hasn’t picked up on any of it. ‘If he really cared, he’d know’ is a cop out that’s only going to take you further from that sex you know you want. Most men have no difficulty saying what they want—and how, when, where and in which position—so they don’t get why it’s so tricky for us. Good men would be mortified if they knew how often we put up/ shut up/ give up. For them it’s simple: those who don’t ask don’t get. Take a deep breath and dive back in. One last try and you could be blissing out in his arms.