Meet the Sext Whis­perer

For­get Snapchat, this is real life. Your 4-point plan for get­ting him hot via smart­phone.

Cosmopolitan (India) - - CONTENTS - By Drew Grant

This is what you need to know to be­come a pro­fes­sional (aka, re­ally good) sex­ter.

My best friend’s on-again, offa­gain boyfriend had just sent her one of those corny “Hey babe, what are you wear­ing?” mes­sages. Af­ter get­ting her bless­ing to mess with him, I de­cided to beat this guy at his own game. So as a joke, with her by my side, I started send­ing her BF some sexy mes­sages.

“I’m wear­ing pig­tails and noth­ing else,” I replied on her be­half. “What are you go­ing to do about it?” We spent an hour play­ing what amounted to an X-rated choose your own ad­ven­ture. “Okay, so he’s pulling your hair while do­ing you dog­gie-style,” I’d read from her phone. “Do you think we should go with ‘Oh God, don’t stop’ or ‘I’m flip­ping you over for a spank­ing, cow­boy’?” We might have been laugh­ing, but ac­tu­ally, it was pretty hot. Okay, it was re­ally hot. Ob­vi­ously, the guy thought so too. Later that night, he called my friend long dis­tance for the first time in months and en­gaged in some pretty in­tense ver­bal stim­u­la­tion. That ex­pe­ri­ence launched what has now be­come a full-blown side job as a sex­ting Cyrano de Berg­erac. I’ve made it my mis­sion to help jaded friends and strangers come out of their shell and em­brace their sex­tu­al­ity. As luck would have it, I’m in a long-term re­la­tion­ship with an amaz­ing man who “doesn’t be­lieve in tex­ting” as a way to con­vey any sen­ti­ment (he’s more ana­log, so our dirty deeds are usu­ally con­veyed ei­ther by smoke sig­nals or letters sent by car­rier pi­geons). But that doesn’t mean my gift should go to waste... It’s my duty to pay my sextper­tise for­ward. I’ve

coached dozens of prom­i­nent, self­as­sured Don Juans (and Juani­tas)— from New York Times jour­nal­ists to Emmy-nom­i­nated ac­tors, prom­i­nent mag­a­zine ed­i­tors to Wall Street wun­derkinds—and I’ve learned that there seems to be a di­rect cor­re­la­tion be­tween hav­ing game in per­son and to­tally lack­ing it in the dig­i­tal sphere. When I tell people I’m a sextpert, most as­sume I’m talk­ing about naked self­ies and Snapchat. But while sex­ting can in­volve a quick pic, it’s not a re­quire­ment (and it’s safer with­out one). Sure, men are vis­ually stim­u­lated crea­tures, but a re­cent study re­vealed that women are twice as likely to sext as men are. So if you want to sext and you want the sex­ting to be sexy, you’ll have to take charge. The trick is to send a clear sig­nal that you want in on some vir­tual fore­play, but to still make your mes­sage am­bigu­ous enough that you can claim in­no­cence of any dirty in­ten­tions. Here’s how.

1 PAINT A SNAPCHAT WITH YOUR WORDS

So you get the sense that he’s def­i­nitely down. Now what? I coun­sel against send­ing nudie pics. If it hap­pened to Ri­hanna and Scar­lett Jo­hans­son, it can hap­pen to you! Plus, re­venge porn is a big prob­lem every­where, and you don’t want some dis­grun­tled ex ex­pos­ing your boudoir shots all over the World Wide Web. Once you’ve been dat­ing for a while, a naked pic or two may be fine as a me­mento. But for new sex­ters, just the thought of sex with you should be enough to get a guy hot and both­ered. If your crush is bug­ging you to send pics, try paint­ing a pic­ture with words in­stead.

GUY: YOU’RE NAKED? PIXXX, PLEASE.

YOU: I WOULD, BUT IT MIGHT RUIN MY BID FOR THE NEXT MAY­ORAL CAM­PAIGN! ALSO, I JUST DROPPED MY CELL INTO THIS BUB­BLE BATH I’M SLIP­PING INTO. LOOKS LIKE I WASN’T SUP­POSED TO GET THE SCREEN WET...

2 CUT THE CUTESY EMOJI

There are enough crossed sig­nals when you’re try­ing to con­vey emo­tions via text—why com­pli­cate it with a bunch of ran­dom icons? It’s hard for any­one to get hot for a wink­ing panda and a cou­ple of pink hearts. Best-case sce­nario: he thinks you’re do­ing an im­pres­sion of Shoshanna from Girls. Worst? You re­mind him of his 6-yearold cousin. So cut the cutesy stuff, and keep this con­ver­sa­tion adults-only. And if you find yourself overus­ing emoti­cons, fol­low my lead.

GUY: I GIVE GREAT BACK MAS­SAGES ;-) YOU: :-) ;-) :-P YOU: SORRY, JUST GOT A LIT­TLE OVEREX­CITED BY YOUR SEMI­COLON.

“I’VE MADE IT MY MIS­SION TO HELP JADED FRIENDS COME OUT OF THEIR SHELL AND EM­BRACE THEIR SEX­TU­AL­ITY.”

3 LET YOUR FREAK FAN­TASY FLAG FLY

I find that the old trick to com­bat stage fright works dou­bly well for sex­ting. I just imag­ine the re­cip­i­ent in his un­der­wear. And in­stead of the cute guy who asked for your num­ber at the bar, you’re tex­ting with Ryan Gosling in Drive. Or Mr Darcy. Eric from True Blood. (What­ever gets you go­ing.) The fun part of sex­ting is to be ag­gres­sive, not pas­sive, so don’t worry about what a ‘nice guy’ would think. Be­lieve me, even the nicest guys ap­pre­ci­ate some naughty. Need a ref­er­ence point? Turn to an in­side joke be­tween the two of you, like how ob­sessed you are with Game of Thrones. Just play it con­fi­dent and di­rect the convo. He’ll take the hint.

GUY: YOU LOOK SO HOT NAKED.

YOU: I LOOK EVEN HOT­TER WHEN I’M WEAR­ING NOTH­ING BUT MY WHITE ROBES, SUR­ROUNDED BY MY PET DRAG­ONS.

GUY: IS THAT FROM GOT? WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YOU: DRACARYS!!

4 FIG­URE OUT YOUR SEXT GOALS

I once spent two hours at an af­ter-party coach­ing a TV ac­tor as he tried to phone-se­duce a woman he’d re­cently slept with. Sure enough, come 4am, this lady was un­der the mis­taken im­pres­sion that the guy wanted to meet up for a re­peat per­for­mance at his apart­ment. By then, he was too tired to con­tinue the hanky panky IRL. Ex­tract­ing him­self from the sit­u­a­tion wasn’t pleas­ant. The girl felt re­jected and mis­led, and he never heard from her again. The les­son? Don’t dive into the dig­i­tal dance of de­prav­ity with­out first de­cid­ing what you want the end re­sult to be. Do you want to meet up that night for some nooky? Just look­ing for a sext buddy? It’s all good, but hav­ing a clear idea of what you want to get out of the ex­pe­ri­ence makes it eas­ier to set bound­aries and avoid that awk­ward 4am re­jec­tion. Let’s try again.

GUY: WOW, YOU CAN RE­ALLY PUT YOUR LEGS BE­HIND YOUR HEAD? WHEN CAN I SEE THIS? U BUSY RIGHT NOW?

YOU: AC­TU­ALLY, IT’S GO­ING TO TAKE ME A WHILE TO UN­TAN­GLE. TO­MOR­ROW? I CAN SHOW YOU ALL THE TRICKS I LEARNED THAT SUM­MER IN­TERN­ING AT CIRQUE DU SOLEIL...

Okay, you’re in con­trol; you’ve set the scene. And if I’ve done my job right, your tex­ting fin­gers have a busy night ahead!

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