‘Consider the damage an affair wreaks’
QI’ve been married for 11 years and have a nineyear-old son. However, the marriage has been an unhappy one for a long time. We have drifted apart and I feel my husband has become inattentive to my needs. I have often thought about walking out of the marriage, but always stayed back for the sake of our child. To complicate matters, I fell in love with someone at my workplace. We have grown close over the past year and really enjoy each other’s company. He loves me, and I too am in love with him. He wants us to get married, but he is 10 years younger. I feel torn and can’t decide what to do. Please suggest. Admission of marital neglect to a colleague at work place can often lead to sympathy and consoling by an understanding person. What starts as friendship gradually becomes a hope in meeting the unfulfilled needs of an unhappy marriage. While there are several ways to reduce the loneliness or marital unhappiness, it becomes complicated when the interaction leads to physical intimacy.
Be honest with yourself and check if you are justifying infidelity as a natural consequence of the drift between you and your husband? Or are you holding your husband responsible for the transgression? Are you making it an excuse and thereby letting yourself off the responsibility for cheating. Remember unhappy marriages don’t cause infidelity; being unfaithful does. Consider the damage that comes along with the affair. When couples face a rocky phase in their marital life instead of working on the marriage, finding another person to soothe marital wounds will not save your marriage. If you seem to be lonely in marriage you could choose a better way to escape than take the route of an affair as you deserve more than that.
While your son could be your reason to stay back, children cannot save marriages. Spare the child and look for other reasons for why you wanted to stay in this relationship. Children will only get the spillover of the bitterness of such a marriage. It is better that they stay with one of the parents and have a happy childhood.
Happiness in marriage is not given; it has to be worked upon. Have you ever considered that you and your husband have become complacent? It appears that you are in an unhappy marriage, but when you convince yourself that you have fallen in love with another person and get all your emotional needs satisfied by him, check if you have internal issues to work on. New is exciting, but new doesn’t mean “better. ”You have a choice to either be committed in the marriage or legally separate from your husband before you take the next step to get into the relationship with your colleague. It is important to know that marital infidelity is an offence by Indian Law that could lead to further complications. If you want to salvage your marriage work on it and rebuild the relationship or seek support from a therapist.
However, if you wish to seek true love then it is better to end the marriage.
—This query has been answered by Dr N. Sucharita (Ph.D) from Roshni Counselling Centre, Hyderabad.