A few fatuous phrases

An apology. A few weeks back, in my blog, I promised a regular series called “Fatuous Phrase of the Week”. Like so many promises, this one has failed to materialise. This is because I have been battling my demons. This article, therefore, is an attempt to put matters right.

Below are a bunch of the clichés, lies, evasions, and PC euphemisms which have annoyed me most. And of course we begin with: Battling my demons: It was demons who injected Philip Seymour Hoffman with skag. The same creatures regularly waylay the former footballer Paul Gascoigne and siphon several litres of vodka down his throat. This was my original Fatuous Phrase of the Week which serves only to absolve people from responsibility.

Vulnerable: It’s the most abused word in English. Today, as used by the liberal left, it means anyone who isn’t an able-bodied middleaged white heterosexual male in full possession of his mental faculties. In other words, about 70 per cent of the population. It is frequently used as a euphemism for the educationally retarded.

Diversity: Something brilliant, to be championed. As used by the Left it means “lots of ethnic minorities”. As in “the area is very diverse”, referring to a place populated exclusively by Bangladeshis.

Denier: A horrible and recent confection of, again, the liberal Left. You can be a “climate change denier”, which means you might doubt global warming. You can be a “sexual abuse denier”, which means you have one or two doubts about Operation Yewtree. The term was appropriated from the Holocaust. The implica- tion being that to deny that all 1970s celebrities were busy molesting kiddies is on par with denying that Nazi Germany murdered six million Jewish people. Nice.

Classic: I bought some lavatory paper which was described as having a “classic design”. Has a word ever been wiped on so many bottoms as “classic”? Debased is an understatement for this word.

Wrong side of history: If someone says you’re on the wrong side of history, it is their stupid way of telling you that you are wrong and they are right. Conservatism is always on the wrong side of history because it is innately opposed to social change.

Bravely fighting cancer: An odious, meaningless phrase. All people with cancer who have decided not to fight it are also brave — perhaps even more brave. In truth, “bravery” and “fighting” have nothing to do with it.

Let me be absolutely clear about this, Evan… Any politician who tells you that he is about to be absolutely clear is actually about to lie to you. It also suggests that they are anything but clear as to what they are talking about. especially if they say it banging their fists on the table. As used by Labour Leader Ed Miliband on a daily basis, probably to his family about what he’s having for breakfast.

Vibrant: Used as a synonym for “noisy” or “thieving”.

Community: Yes, Huw, it’s a vibrant and diverse community, but it’s also very vulnerable, which is why the police have been brought in to stop locals from attacking them. That’s enough vapid idiocies for now. One of these days I’ll gather up other phrases which are deliberately misleading, or obnoxious. If my demons let me. Right now they’re waving a bottle of Sancerre in my face and sniggering. Don’t they know how vulnerable I am? By arrangement with

the Spectator