‘Your friend has a victim mentality’

QMy friend is very unhappy with her family. Despite being independent and settled in a respected profession she is not happy in her personal life. Her father had been bedridden for several years and her mother had been taking care of him until his death last year. My friend accuses her mother of neglecting her during childhood and favouring her brother. She is abusive to her mother. Though her mother had a brain stroke some years back and the constant stress may cause another stroke, my friend does not relent and holds her mother responsible for the misery in her life. Her mother tries to be kind and understanding towards her but that makes her even more vicious. She refuses to get married also. Please help.

Your friend seems to be having a victim mentality. With fears of being alone and unloved through her childhood, she has made her mother a target for expressing her anger. Often wallowing in self pity, they kind of blame others.

Such people with victim syndrome, typically have a feeling of “poor me” and find other people in their lives as cause for their problems. They tend to hold a pessimistic attitude to life and refuse to see their part in creating their own crises. Sense of victimisation makes them feel that they are right and have been wronged by others. Hence they have difficulties with balancing their emotions, managing interpersonal relationships and having good self worth. Understand that playing a victim role fulfils some of her needs such as getting attention. It also makes her feel less responsible for her own life. Help her realise that. If your friend is being abusive and violent, she might have to see a mental health professional. You could consider psychotherapy aimed at accepting the past, being able to forgive people in her life and taking responsibility for her life