NO KIDDING!
IN A SOCIETY THAT DOESN’T APPROVE OF TAKING EVEN A SMALL BREAK FROM PARENTHOOD, THERE ARE COUPLES WHO CHOOSE TO LIVE CHILD-FREE, CLEARLY HAPPY WITH THEIR STANCE
Joyous, unconditional, purest, gratifying, unselfish – adjectives are aplenty for the act of rearing children. Widely accepted as one of the greatest experiences with an added advantage of multiplying happiness and of course, human species, parenthood has always been considered a rewarding adventure, a fulfiling one. But not everyone agrees. There are hundreds who live child-free, not because they are biologically unfit to have children or hate them, but have embraced nonparenthood by choice. The 1980s saw the rise of
DINKS (Dual Income No Kids) among young urban professionals aka yuppies in Britain and slowly, more started joining the club, the reasons being the Great Recession, lack of old-age social support and an inclination to focus more on career and individuality. Many others across the globe joined the ‘DINKdom’ as they started acknowledging their lack of parenting skills. Eco-conscious millennials – singles and couples – are increasingly forgoing parenthood stating that procreation is morally wrong and destructive to the earth and nature. An acronym for Green Inclination No Kids, GINK is the new DINK!
According to GINKs, one less human birth accounts to lesser pollution, lesser carbon footprint and even lesser exploitation of resources. Though their philosophies on child rearing are similar, anti-natalists think one more step ahead; they consider child-free lifestyle as an act of compassion – saving a child from suffering and not becoming responsible for the suffering of the line of descendants.
Efilists (efil is ‘life’ spelt backwards), on the other hand, think that life is worse than nothing – an idea that advocates, along with childfreedom, extinction of all sentient life.
The feelings of nurture, care or selflessness can be displayed towards anyone without becoming a biological mother
I don’t think our society is mature enough to have a dialogue about child-free life. It’s high time we realise that having kids is probably just the easiest way to make you feel that you have achieved something — TOM CYRIAC, an anti-natalist
MOTHERHOOD OVERRATED
Dubai-based entrepreneur couple Vidhya Ahamed Menon and Harfaz made the choice to lead a child-free life out of green concerns. “We want to create a lesser (negative) impact on environment. Neither do we believe that the environment is in a favourable state to sustain more people, nor is adding more people going to create any favourable impact. The symbiotic equation is non-existent,” opines Vidhya.
She feels that motherhood is overrated and parenthood is fulfilling only for those who really want to become parents. Claiming that they personally know couples who succumbed to social pressure and regret their decision to have kids, she says, “The feelings of nurture, care or selflessness can be displayed towards anyone without becoming a biological mother. Just think of Mother Teresa!”
While Vidhya and Harfaz weren’t steadfast on their decision during their earlier days of courtship, it came about quite organically. “Our first realisation was that we, as a couple, never believe in the false claims purported by society that marriage is a means to have kids and the life goal of every couple,” says Vidhya.
Being openly child-free has helped them connect with a lot of like-minded people — online and offline. Their idea of fulfilment involves being parents to their dogs, travelling the world, building businesses and indulging in hobbies. “A peaceful extended sleep-in during a weekend or a late night-out is our fulfilling little pleasures of life,” Vidhya quips.
CHUCK SOCIETAL RULES
Many are concerned about overpopulation, environmental degradation, deforestation, pollution and climate change, which are destroying earth and driving animals to extinction, like Vijay (name changed), a Bengaluru-based self-confessed GINK, who notes, “I do not want my child to live in a world where violence, heartbreak, deception, intolerance, aggression, apathy and indifference are on the rise. Plus, having a kid is a huge financial and emotional investment. And it largely curtails my freedom, which I wouldn’t want, ever. We are largely accused of ‘going against the nature’ and being ‘morally wrong’, but one doesn’t have to accept a societal norm at the cost of their happiness.”
FREEDOM MATTERS
Even as the choice includes paying no heed to society’s expectations, the biggest catch is unlimited freedom. Vouching for it, Delhiites Deepak Khatri and Trina Acharyya, who are avid travellers and run multiple businesses in Goa and NCR, say, “Happily married and child-free for 11 years, we have earned the freedom to live free, travel and have worked hard to reach where we are today. We are committed to each other and our freedom, lifestyle and dreams; we won’t trade it for others’ happiness. We don’t try to convince anyone who doesn’t understand. Why waste energy?”
Calling themselves ‘a very practical couple’, Deepak says, “Non-parenthood is a conscious and mutual decision we made before marriage. Nurturing a new life was never part of the plan.”
It’s a tough fight against societal conditioning. “Society needs to realise that not everyone is made to do a job, get married by a certain age and not everyone has parental instincts. We respond to queries with another question – We know exactly why we don’t want kids, but do you know why you had them? It’s hilarious to leave people dumbfounded and watch them wonder if they could have lived their life differently.”
ON THE RIGHT PATH
Interestingly, most Indians, especially women, have no say on their reproductive rights. It’s the people around who decide for an individual – when is the right time to get married, to have the first child, the second child and to even stop having sex! “That people have no say on their reproductive rights is ridiculous,” feels Tom Cyriac, an atheist and an antinatalist, who runs a business in Kerala. “I don’t think our society is mature enough to have a dialogue about childfree life. It’s high time we realise that having kids is probably just the easiest way to make you feel that you have achieved something; it’s definitely not the only path to fulfilment,” he says.
Tom, however, adds that a lot of confusion exists over child-free lifestyle and anti-natalism. “The former is a choice and the latter, a philosophy. Child-free existence can be attributed to concerns over financial constraints, environment, population explosion, poor life-work balance, genetic illness, etc., whereas anti-natalism inculcates in one a moral duty to end suffering,” he clarifies.
RESPONSIBLE NON-PARENTING
‘Happily ever after’ is perfectly possible without procreating. Living child-free for over two decades now, Chennai-based senior consultant interventional cardiologist Dr Sanjiv Agrawal and Minal, a vegan activist who runs a private cat shelter, vouches for it. “Parenthood is an irreversible process; there’s a dire need of awareness on jumping the gun. I have seen many regretting having kids. Many confess to have secretly wished to be as courageous as us to reject the pressure to procreate mindlessly,” says Minal. Non-parenthood was a decision she made during her teens.
“Not to have a baby was always in my subconscious mind long before my parents started looking for an alliance. For me, no human is fit to become a parent when we don’t know how to live in harmony with nature. But only years later, after going vegan did I realise how destructive the homosapien is! However, I was lucky to have found an ambitious, career-oriented man who wanted to marry me only if I agreed to go childfree.”
The duo had kept the decision to themselves for long, but they had to finally blurt it out. “Convincing the family was difficult for seven to eight years, but sooner or later, they had to understand that we have no interest in breeding.” Minal opines, “Bringing a child into this chaotic and collapsing planet is the biggest child abuse. Many might think that we are supportive of wiping out mankind from the face of Earth. In fact, it’s the other way round. Human race will become extinct due to global warming, climate change and ecological destruction if we keep breeding like mushrooms. With our unsustainable lifestyle for ages, we have almost destroyed the planet. Procreating in this chaotic world is a crime.”
ANTI-NATALISM IS PRO-LIFE
Like Minal, several couples would explain that their non-parenthood choice is a benignant act of altruism. Bashing the misconceptions that movements like anti-natalism and Voluntary Human Extinction Force support murder, Kedar Mohan Tembe, a sports professional based in Singapore, clarifies, “In fact, it is supportive of life – not just human life. One species alone cannot be entrusted with the safety and continuity of the planet. The sixth mass extinction is because of human activity. As soon as humans are gone, all these will start reversing and the planet will start recovering.”
Kedar and his wife Sneha, a software engineer and Kathak dancer, had reached a consensus on non-parenthood before getting hitched. “We believe that parenthood is full of frustrations and expectations, along with the obvious joys. People tend to become more selfish when they have children, and in many cases unintentionally hurt others. If children make life complete, it should have been a loving society, a perfect world. But it isn’t!”
Now that their immediate family has accepted their choice, the couple doesn’t bother about the rest. Kedar adds, “Societal dogmas have no place in intellectual decisions. People find it difficult to accept, but that is more because of societal conditioning and not because they understand that they have a choice.”
EXIT THE CLOSET
It’s the stigma that results in several voluntarily child-free couples staying hidden in the closet. Coming out requires a great deal of courage and conviction. “Married for over seven years now, we are open about our decision to not have kids. Our family has more or less accepted our thoughts, but they hope we would change our minds. Generally, people in India do not appreciate the idea. Over the years, they have been pushed towards the thoughts about the joys of motherhood and family,” observes Raeesa, a social media consultant and animal welfare volunteer in Chennai.
It was her auto-immune disorder vitiligo that first prompted Raeesa and her husband Harshvardhan Jodha, a racing official at the Madras Race Club, to decide not to try to have kids.
Bringing a child into this chaotic and collapsing planet is the biggest child abuse —MINAL AGRAWAL, a vegan activist