‘We learnt from each other’
AYUVRAJ KOHLI, Founder, Moti Mahal Delux s a restaurateur, I’ve never had the time to be around my five-year-old son Abeer because I’d return home post 11.00 pm and by then he’d be asleep. During the lockdown, I realised I was missing so much at home because of my work. My son is an active sportsman and we played soccer every day, and together we did daily activities like his online classes, Lego and painting workshops. I am a trained chef and so I began teaching him about cooking; more than me, my wife was very extremely happy to have me around to look after him. Post lockdown, I have decided to go to work thrice a week and be a hands-on dad to bond with my son in his formative years.”
Most people are reluctant to tell a stranger intimate details of their life. So when two people decide to take part in couples’ therapy, it’s nothing less than an act of courage. For many, it’s extremely hard to overcome their inhibitions and take the leap of faith required, but that is often because people don’t fully understand what is involved.
Holly Parker is a psychologist and lecturer in couple psychology at Harvard in the US. In the industry magazine Psychology Today she recently broke down some of the myths surrounding relationship work.
MYTH 1: THE LAST RESORT
Many people think that couples therapy is only justified when separation or divorce is already on the horizon. However, studies show that only a minority of couples in therapy have doubts about the long-term future of their relationship.
“Your relationship doesn’t have to have one foot in the grave or have serious problems for you to consider therapy,” says Parker. About half of the participants in the study said their motive for therapy was to manage their conflicts better. More than a quarter of the couples said their relationship bond strong — they just refresh and renew it.
MYTH 2: BEWARE, BATTLE ZONE
Some people are afraid they will be blamed and attacked in relationship therapy — and, understandably, nobody is keen on that. However, professionally guided therapy is not about ugly arguments.
To be successful, building a “therapeutic alliance” is what counts — an emotional bond between the therapist and the two people who make up the couple. It should not come down to “two against one” rows.
MYTH 3: CAUTION, INTERFERENCE
Many about was still wanted to people have reservations letting a stranger mess with their inner lives as a couple, and that they should sort their problems out in private.
Parker counters this by saying that couples are not always able to see the broad environment of their conflict from their own, internal perspective.
An apparently harmless argument about doing the dishes may actually be about something completely different. An outsider’s perspective can help here because it provides a broader field of vision. She points out that people wouldn’t hesitate to bring in specialists to sort out other kinds of domestic problems, and recommends looking on therapists as a sort of “relationship plumber” who will be able to help you sort out problems you just can't manage on your own.
There’s a widely held misconception that if couples seek the help of a counsellor, their relationship
is in deep trouble. In fact,
an expert provides a more rounded view of
the process