Don’t get used like a ‘foster partner’
Many a time, in a relationship, we do not realise that one of the partners is not ‘really into you’, but goes along until he/she finds someone better. And then dumps you. In such cases, the dumped person is the foster partner
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you’ve given your all to it and still get dumped, chances are you’ve been a foster partner.
According to Kavita Paniyam, counselling psychologist and founder of Director of Mind Suggest Wellness centre, a Hyderabad-based psychological clinic, you are a foster partner if you dated someone who stuck with you until he/she found his/her forever home.
“Such people might not commit to you fully, saying things like they aren’t looking for something serious or that marriage is not their cup of tea,” articulates Kavita. “So, you become a free ‘rehabilitation centre’ that tries to reform them, teach them the finer nuances of life or show them how to love and accommodate another, even if only in the hope that they’d commit to you after they become a ‘better’ person. They might even turn into the perfect partner, but sadly, they’d be making such commitments to another they start seeing after you.”
Kavita also points out that most people become foster girlfriends/boyfriends when they choose to become fixers instead of moving on. For instance, they might find a lot of red flags in the person they’re currently dating, but instead of moving on and finding other healthy people to be with, they try and ‘fix’ the person to rescue them.
BOUNDARY LESSONS
Foster partners are usually people with weak boundaries, who others might come to when they need help with their problems.
“You’ll always be seen as always ‘available’ or even a people-pleaser, whom predators might use and dump or have extramarital affairs with,” warns Kavita. “So also, it’s important to remember not to settle for less than what you deserve.”
Further, if you’re always looking to ‘rescue’ people, you’re more of a parent or friend material, and people might come to you for help without really considering you a potential lover. Instead, let the element of mystery remain in the relationship. “So, to form healthy relationships, learn from your patterns of the past and evolve. Walk away from red
flags,
learn to stand up for yourself and love yourself. And instead of always trying to solve others’ problems, focus on meeting your own needs as well,” adds the psychologist. “Strive to have a healthy balance of give and take in a relationship. And take time out to do other things together, like shopping, planning vacations, taking a fitness class together and other growth-oriented things that make up a healthy relationship.”
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO
Don’t become a therapist or rescuer. Draw a fine boundary and ensure you’re the girlfriend/boyfriend in the relationship instead of assuming the role of their therapist.
Usually co-dependent people end up being the foster partners to someone despite the red flags they see in them because they want to ‘rescue’ the other. “What people with healthy boundaries see as deal-breakers are just things to be fixed for co-dependents,” says Kavita.
Be careful in long-distance relationships. Those in a long-distance relationship, who haven’t had the chance to see what the person they’re dating is like in reality — having based the whole relationship on phone calls and text messages — are probably dating their imagination. “Something like this is not a relationship. You’re probably wishing for something that’s never going to happen,” adds Kavita.
Don’t over adjust. Those who adjust easily instead of standing up or voicing out their choices are likely to end up being foster partners in their relationships. “You might notice that the person who was toxic to you and never came around to meeting your needs, no matter how much you did for them, is suddenly the ‘prince charming’ to another,” illustrates Kavita. “Well, that’s
because you allowed yourself to be mistreated instead of walking away or standing up for yourself. If you wish to be treated rightly, establish your boundaries around what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.” Don’t rush things. If you’re the kind who wants to rush into a relationship and seal the connection too soon instead of waiting to see how it pans out and if you’re both a good fit, you’re inviting trouble for yourself. “If your partner is genuinely interested in you, things will move forward in their own time without you having to force them to happen,” says Kavita.
Run away from no commitment or half commitments. If the person you’re with is not completely committed to you, doesn’t give you undivided attention, then it is best to walk away instead of holding on to the potential of how good the relationship can get later.
Don’t over adjust. Those who adjust easily instead of standing up or voicing out their choices are likely to end up being foster partners in their relationships.
“Foster partners are usually people with weak boundaries, who others might come to when they need help with their problems. You’ll be seen as always ‘available’ or even a people-pleaser, whom people might use and dump.” —Kavita Paniyam, counselling psychologist.