TOXIC POSITIVITY DECODED
When you tell someone to cheer up without trying to understand what they’re going through, your words are more hurtful than helpful
Toxic positivity takes place when someone facing a problem or some kind of negative experience is struggling and another person tries to shift the focus to something optimistic. This kind of positivity is called toxic because the problem the first person faces is not acknowledged or validated, which leads to this person repressing her or his emotions.
Snap out of it
Of course, there is nothing wrong with encouraging someone to feel better.
But sometimes it doesn’t help either. It’s unhealthy because, on a subconscious level, the person is made to feel as though their problem is not big enough, which leads them to believe that their emotions aren’t valid enough to get attention.
If this starts in childhood, it affects your emotional and intimate relationships later on. And if the toxic positivity around the person doesn’t change, she/he will eventually snap or there will be a shift in that person’s psyche which won’t be healthy.
When I was in school, I wasn’t that great at studies and would worry about getting better at it. My mentors, elders and teachers would say, “You come from a great family” and tell me to count things I should be grateful for. That didn’t help with the anxiety.
It’s actually very simple: it’s just about what’s helpful and what’s harmful for the person who is suffering. Be someone who can help them. If you can’t help, give them space or hold space for them. Just being present and silent works.
Don’t focus on the silver lining
Saying “I understand you’re struggling but I’m proud of the effort you are making” is more likely to help the person than saying things like “tomorrow is another day/ there’s always a silver lining/ other people have bigger problems”. Instead of badgering someone about what’s wrong, state that you can see that the person is uncomfortable or going through something and offer help. Ask if they need space or whether you should be around.
The whole ‘I know what can help you’ vibe shows a kind of authority in your belief. But that authority is negated as you don’t consider what the person who is suffering really needs. This is probably because you aren’t willing to participate in that person’s struggle but just want to end it by asking them to cheer up or saying that there’s no time for a meltdown.
That’s when you know it’s toxic positivity.
As told to Karishma Kuenzang brunchletters hindustantimes.com Follow @HTBrunch on Twitter and Instagram Tulsi Kapoor is a Mumbai singer-songwriter, musician, educator, writer and mental health advocate. She is also the granddaughter of the late Shammi Kapoor.
“THE PERSON IS MADE TO FEEL THAT THEIR PROBLEM IS NOT BIG ENOUGH, WHICH LEADS THEM TO BELIEVE THEIR EMOTIONS AREN’T VALID ENOUGH TO GET ATTENTION”