Handle your relationships with care
Relationships take a beating when you’re locked in together, or apart. And you might be watching your romantic relationships carefully, but others need nurturing too — like those with flatmates, siblings, parents, friends.
“It’s very challenging for flatmates, because all chores must now be managed, in a relationship that might can be one of friendship, or polite strangers, or can be strained too,” says clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany. “And there isn’t the closeness required to make amends and defuse a situation.”
An important mitigating factor is me-time, coupled with conversation, Dr Hingorrany says. Make sure you set aside time away from each other; and time to talk about things other than chores and the coronavirus.
Waled Aadnan, 28, a project manager in New Delhi, says the first thing he and his flatmate did when they became housebound was clearly divide all chores. He and Sayan Kundu, 30, a consultant economist, are so far cohabiting in relative comfort.
“I keep the kitchen clean, utensils included, while he is in charge of cleanliness in the rest of the house,” Aadnan says. “We do mood checks every day to see how we’re each feeling. It’s even more important than before to be empathetic. You are in this together quite literally.”
Set reasonable expectations, says Dr Hingorrany. “Just because you’re flatmates, stuck together, doesn’t mean you suddenly have to be best friends.”
Talk about other things: Sayoni Chakraborty, 35, a banking executive, says her relationship with her elder sister in London has become stronger during the crisis. “We’re very close. But before we went into lockdown, we were so busy, we used to do one video call a week. Now, we’re talking every day.”
One offshoot of this is the anxiety each feels for the other. “I feel the UK’S situation is so fragile. Both countries are handling this differently. Discussing that can get tense,” Chakraborty says.
So they share positive news. “My sister generally has funny stories and videos to share about how she’s keeping my nieces entertained. That keeps us and our father in Kolkata happy.”
Watch out for the evenings, Dr Hingorrany says. When you’re tired, your defences down, it can get easier to let a conversation devolve into an argument.
Be compassionate: Sneha Dutta, 31, an entrepreneur from Kolkata, is struggling with an ailing parent amid the lockdown. Her father, Ramendra Dutta, 68, is a cardiac patient, had a brain stem haemorrhage last year and needs dialysis thrice a week.
“A new unknown virus is making it difficult for him to stay strong, psychologically,” Dutta says. This is taking a toll on Sneha too. “I think we’re both living in constant fear. I try to keep calm and not make him more anxious but it’s a battle.”
The presence of their dog helps. “Earlier I used to watch TV, listen to music. Now I can’t concentrate. So I cook. It feels therapeutic,” she says.
In times of such trauma, Dr Hingorrany says, empathy is vital. “Put yourself in the other’s shoes. It will help defuse some of the tension. Have a cup of coffee by yourself, meditate. But compassion, that is the key.”