FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Experts talk about why people sometimes want to get hitched immediately after their former partner ties the knot

Britney Spears is reportedly hoping to marry her boyfriend, model Sam Asghari, soon. However, her wish to tie the knot may be fueled by more reasons than love. Reports say she is frustrated that her ex-boyfriend, producer Charlie Ebersol, has moved on and married before she has. Ebersol and Spears started dating in 2014, and were apparently close to tying the knot before they called off the relationship in 2015. You might think this is just a case of a celebrity acting out, but Spears’ situation is not unheard of.

A COMMON PROBLEM

According to Dr PD Lakdawala, a psychiatrist at Bhatia Hospital, many people feel the need to get married immediately after their ex ties the knot. He says such situations arise because of ‘feelings of rejection and jealousy’. He says, “This is a very common scenario. Sometimes, feelings of guilt may also creep in. They start believing that their ex is getting married because they postponed the decision to tie the knot when they were dating. These people relive past experiences with the current partner, because the former partner is gone. It’s bitter and traumatic for them. It’s like hearing that your siblings or friends have gone on a vacation and they also feel the need to go. They want to prove to their exes that they don’t care and that they too can get married.”

Consultant psychiatrist Dr Ambrish Dharmadhikari says that the hurry to get married immediately after your ex gets hitched may be a kind of ‘competition’. He says, “Even if such people have moved on from their past relationships, it’s difficult for them to accept the fact that they and their ex are not on the same stage of life. We live in a society where comparisons and competition are an integral part of our upbringing. Be at school, college or home, we are always compared and encouraged to compete to achieve success. Unfortunately, we apply the same rules while making relationship decisions. We also tend to unknowingly compete with friends when it comes to relationship goals.”

CURRENT ISSUES

So, you may want to get hitched just because your ex is walking down the aisle, but it’s also important that your current partner agrees to get married too. What do you do if they don’t agree to get married to at that point in time? Lakdawala says, “If a person experiences an intense desire to get married immediately, they may coax their current partner into doing so. It’s important to analyse your feelings and talk to the current partner that you are convinced about getting married. But, your decision could be taken in haste, because it may be driven by the wish to get married just because an ex-partner got married.”

However, if a person’s efforts to convince their current partner to get married don’t work, Lakdawala says that there are chances that ‘they may be traumatised or act impulsively’. He says, “He or she may take to smoking, alcohol, become irritable, and even try to misbehave or break up. In order to avoid this, one should keep a balanced attitude. Don’t tell your partner that you want to get married only because your ex is doing so. This can have adverse effects.”

On the other hand, Dharmadhikari says resistance from the current partner to get married might be interpreted as lack of love and commitment and may lead to the instigating partner trying to end the relationship, as all they want at that point is to get married. He says, “There should be proper communication and healthy dialogue at this point. If your current partner is pressuring you to get married just because their ex is getting married, you should be understanding of their problem and try to address their insecurities. You can assure them about your commitment and be supportive about the issue.”

Eventually, whether you have your way or not, Dharmadhikari has a word of caution. “The decision to marry in such a situation stems from insecurities. It is about trying to prove a point. Any decision that is made with such a mindset might lead to regrets in the future. You should get married because you love someone and are ready to share your life with that person. You should get married when you feel you are ready for it.”

THE HURRY TO GET MARRIED IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOUR EX GETS HITCHED MAY BE A KIND OF COMPETITION.