Mov­ing for­ward

Had a breakup re­cently and find­ing it dif­fi­cult to move on or un­sure about when to get into the next re­la­tion­ship? Ex­perts make it easy for you

Hindustan Times (Lucknow) - Live - - HTCITY MY CITY - ■ an­jali.shetty@htlive.com

Singer Ar­i­ana Grande and co­me­dian/ac­tor Pete David­son parted ways am­i­ca­bly a few months back, within six months of their en­gage­ment. A breakup is al­ways dif­fi­cult to han­dle, but not im­pos­si­ble. End­ing of a re­la­tion­ship is a loss to a cou­ple and the re­ac­tions af­ter a breakup are sim­i­lar to that of grief. Hence, it is im­por­tant to know the signs peo­ple show af­ter the loss of a re­la­tion­ship. Son­ali Tanksale, clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist, Axis Hospi­tal, says that one may ex­hibit signs of dis­com­fort or dis­tress af­ter a breakup. She says, “These signs may in­clude per­sis­tent sad­ness, and feel­ing help­less, fear­ful, empty, pes­simistic, an­gry, guilty and fa­tigued, along with changes in sleep and ap­petite.”

Post a breakup, self-care is crit­i­cal. One should un­der­stand what would make you feel bet­ter such as speak­ing to friends and fam­ily and us­ing a sup­port sys­tem. Kammna Chib­ber, men­tal head de­part­ment, For­tis Lafemme, says that there can be a lot of ques­tions that come to your mind. She says, “Don’t run away from these ques­tions. Let them come and go. When you feel ready, develop an understanding of what you think went wrong. Learn about what and how you could have done things dif­fer­ently so that things go bet­ter the next time.”

TAKE YOUR TIME

It is im­por­tant to ac­knowl­edge that you have ex­pe­ri­enced a loss and give your­self time to heal. Tanksale says that one must avoid re­bounds, in­tro­spect and un­der­stand what went wrong in your pre­vi­ous re­la­tion­ship. She says, “The most im­por­tant part is to ac­cept your short­com­ings. Don’t rush in the next re­la­tion­ship. Be­lieve that with a lit­tle time, pa­tience and sup­port, you will feel bet­ter and find love again.” Also, you can’t heal in the same en­vi­ron­ment that got you sick in the first place. Dr Kanan Khatau Chikhal, clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist and re­la­tion­ship ex­pert, says that one should go through the stages of loss and heal your­self. He says, “Dur­ing the process of heal­ing, stay­ing out of touch with your ex im­proves the rate and speed of re­cov­ery.” Dr Nazneen Ladak, psy­chi­a­trist, shares that stay­ing in touch with your ex de­pends on how strong-willed you are. She says, “You can ac­cept him or her as your friend. But in gen­eral, it is not a good idea, as your past takes over your present and you al­ways re­mem­ber the things that you used to do to­gether.”

Stay­ing con­nected or not with an ex is a per­sonal choice. And, ac­cord­ing to Chib­ber it helps to not have con­tact with your ex. She says, “You need time to grieve the loss and heal your­self and that would re­quire be­ing at­ten­tive to you own thoughts, feel­ings and needs. In this sce­nario, be­ing con­nected to your ex can act as a dis­trac­tion and not fa­cil­i­tate the process of car­ing for your­self.”

COM­MON FRIENDS AND COL­LEAGUES

A breakup is a stres­sor, and stay­ing around the stress can lead to mood swings and ir­ri­tabil­ity as well. So, if your ex is a col­league or if you have com­mon friends, it can lead to more prob­lems. Dr Jy­oti Kapoor, se­nior psy­chi­a­trist, Paras Hospi­tal, says that if it is not pos­si­ble or prac­ti­cal to move away from the in­di­vid­ual, keep­ing a neu­tral at­ti­tude and in­dulging in only nec­es­sary in­ter­ac­tion ini­tially is nec­es­sary. She says, “Avoid neg­a­tive com­ments, whin­ing and re­sent­ful state­ments when in a group. Stick to neu­tral top­ics and don’t go down the mem­ory lane to avoid build­ing ex­pec­ta­tions of re­ver­sal or events. If the re­la­tion­ship in­volved a lot of neg­a­tive com­mu­ni­ca­tion, it’s best to avoid re­peat­ing the same pat­tern of con­ver­sa­tions.” Dr Sayan­tani Mukher­jee, con­sul­tant, psy­chi­a­trist, Columbia Asia Hospi­tal points out that in such cases both part­ners should cut off con­tact com­pletely or have a talk about shared spa­ces and friends to avoid fu­ture awk­ward­ness. She says, “Start view­ing your ex as just a hu­man be­ing and bring him/ her down the ro­man­tic pedestal. Why should you miss out on work/so­cial op­por­tu­ni­ties just be­cause you don’t know how to con­duct your­self in front of your ex? Rather than ig­nor­ing him/her, com­mu­ni­cate with your ex re­gard­ing this. Most likely he/ she is feel­ing as un­com­fort­able as you are. That can also forge a new and friendly bond.”

THE NEXT STEP

There is no right time frame or limit on when a per­son should be in an­other re­la­tion­ship. Chib­ber says that there is an op­por­tune time for this. She says, “You should be in your next re­la­tion­ship when you feel you have worked through the grief, learnt about your­self and the sit­u­a­tions and when you feel you are ready you can look at be­ing in ano-ther re­la­tion­ship. You should not rush it.” Kapoor says, “Set your pri­or­i­tie s right. Fo­cus on your ca­reer, hob­bies, so­cial­isi ng with friends and rel­a­tives. It

An­jali Shetty

If the re­la­tion­ship in­volved a lot of neg­a­tive com­mu­ni­ca­tion, it’s best to avoid re­peat­ing the same pat­tern of con­ver­sa­tion DR JY­OTI KAPOOR, SE­NIOR PSY­CHI­A­TRIST

may take months or more than that, but wait to un­der­stand your own needs and ex­pec­ta­tions be­fore jump­ing into an­other re­la­tion­ship to deal with your lone­li­ness.”

PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK/USED FOR REP­RE­SEN­TA­TIONAL PUR­POSES ONLY

PHOTO: AP

Pete David­son and Ar­i­ana Grande

Show­cas­ing their fes­tive col­lec­tion, Re­sham­garh Store show­cased their col­lec­tion through a fash­ion show.

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