Ask more questions. Always.

When a grandparent or parent passes away, knowing you have their life in your heart will help ease the pain

Ifelt an emptiness the first time I went to her house following her death in 2014. As our car approached the gate, a realisation gripped me: this time my grandmother—dadima—wouldn’t be standing behind it to welcome us. I would never again have that sandalwood smell envelop me as she wrapped me in a hug that embodied her love, as much as it did her strong protective hold. The kitchen would no longer be stocked with the biscuits she’d have made a special trip for to the grocery shop in the nearby town, because her grandchildren were visiting. The aroma of the cardamom tea that permeated the house was missing. She had been singularly responsible for every brick in the walls of that house, the first brick house in the village, complete with a Western toilet for her city-bred grandchildren.

Dadima had spent nearly 44 years in that house, in a village named after her late husband, a commander in the Indian Air Force. She had moved there with her two sons, a nine-year-old and a nine-month-old, just after he’d passed away when his airplane malfunctioned.

This September marked my grandfather’s 50th death anniversary. To others, his legacy is about his gallantry: he’d shot down a Sabre jet and carried out the first dead-stick landing in a Gnat aircraft, been awarded the Vir Chakra and Vayu Sena medals. But for me, his legacy is just as much about how his death had impacted Dadima, a dutiful woman who had barely attended high school.

I’ve usually been wary about claiming my grandfather’s legacy. I technically don’t know him at all. But Dadima’s legacy is a critical part of my history.

Survival instincts

Immediately after her husband’s death, Dadima moved from New Delhi to her husband’s family home in a village called Moriwala, on the outskirts of Sirsa, Haryana. Sensing her vulnerability, her late husband’s imperious brother tried to cut her off from the family property. She remained undaunted by his verbal abuse as she slowly built her confidence, realising that she had the moral support of some of her family and her late husband’s friends.

But “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” as my father told me, was a moment when her brother-in-law used his local networks to intimidate her. Provoked by the threat of violence, “she grabbed him by his beard and resolutely told him to stay away,” my father said.

Grandparents are a treasure house of love and knowledge. Asking questions like, "What is the best thing you've learned about life?" "What have you learned about human beings?" "What was that one experience that moved you to become a better person?" can lead to an insightful journey. Sometimes, in the middle of some well-meaning advice, they might end up making you think so very differently about life— forever changing your perspective on things.

Other conversation starters:

• What are some traditions worth continuing as part of our life?

• If, years ago, you had been able to foresee yourself in the present, what might you have done differently?

• You and your work has been an inspiration for us. What or who was your inspiration? • If you could pass on any wisdom about life, what would that be?

• What keeps you going? Is there a quote or saying that you live your life by?

• Is there any experience(s) that has moved you to become the person that you are today?

Dr. Alafia J, Assistant Professor and Clinical Psychologist, Department of Psychology, Christ University

Zealand, to India in order to pursue a career in entertainment. The singer-actor’s covers of popular songs on Youtube have garnered hundreds of millions of views, and Shirley is now completing a Telugu film (“I consider it an achievement because the language was tough for me to learn.”) Shirley’s big dream now is to become a Bollywood film actress.

In her downtime, Shirley can be found playing with her two cats (one is a Persian and the other one is an Indie) or strumming a ukelele. —DINESH RAHEJA

List three things nobody knows about you.

1. I like both chai and coffee.

2. I’m not a morning person.

3. I love lo-fi music—it’s a new genre of music, and many lo-fi versions of Bollywood songs are being remixed and becoming popular these days.

Which is your preferred side of the bed? Whichever side is closer to the plug point (laughs).

Not very long... I have not even tried to do this in a long, long time.

What do you read in bed?

These days I am re-reading Harry Potter! I love that series, who doesn’t?

Do you listen to music to help you go to sleep? Yes, definitely. Lo-fi music is amazing.

How many pillows do you stash below your head?

Just one is enough for me.

Do you have anything pinned to your bedroom wall?

I am thinking of adding some motivational quotes on the wall sometime soon. This quote really resonates with me: “It’s going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible,” as does the quote from Om Shanti Om: “Kehte hai agar kisi cheez ko poore dil se chaaho, toh poori kaynat usse tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai.”

A recurring dream or nightmare? I have a fear of drowning in water, and that is my biggest nightmare.

{ Bedside stories }

What do you wear to bed?

A pair of comfy shorts and a tee.

Who is your 2am friend and what do you share?

Jasmin, as she’s probably the one who would be awake at that hour due to the time difference—she’s my best friend from back home in Auckland. We’re like sisters from another mother, so pretty much everything and anything could be shared (laughs).

Your idea of the perfect breakfast?

I love South Indian food, so an idli with sambar is perfect.

Rohan and his grandmother (top); his grandfather (inset), who was a commander in the Indian Air Force; and his grandfather and grandmother (above left)