WHAT AN IDEA, SIRJI!

I’m told that The Idea of India is suddenly under threat. A Prime Minister Narendra Modi, according to the Book of Revelations, will turn the world fashioned by The Idea of India on its head.

The Idea of India, as opposed to just another jolly good idea of India, is a collection of noble and truly good ideas that’s seen to be responsible for India not having turned into a) Pakistan b) Israel c) Sudan d) Gujarat. In other words, it’s a sort of meta-software that has kept India’s pluralistic society pluralistic. What is forgotten is that The Idea of India is an effect rather than a cause, with secular laws meant to override everything else when the lovely pluralistic bonhomie by which all of us celebrate Diwali, Eid and an Indian cricket victory goes temporarily kaput.

The BJP gained power by selling political paste in a religious tube. It was a call to correct perceived notions of Statist prejudice against Hindus, made most concrete in the demand for a Uniform Civil Code, and against the vote-bank politics by which parties use the Muslim community the way a guy uses a horror movie to get the girl to hold tightly on to him. It’s another matter that the BJP did become the horror movie that self-styled secular parties gladly use as electoral fodder.

The BJP’S plan of action in the late-80s was hitched on to a prevailing Middle India attitude among many members of the largest religious community towards members of the second largest religious community. That it’s hard for a Muslim family to find rented accommodation outside ‘ghettoes’ even in Mumbai and Delhi has as much to do with politics as Shah Rukh and Salman being loved by millions of Modi supporters is political. But the BJP’S exercise in political appropriation through the 90s led to The Idea of Hindu Supremacy, built on the template formed by Shivaji during the 17th century Maratha’s altercations with Adil Shah’s sultanate in Bijapur and later with Aurangzeb’s Mughal empire. Har Har Mahadev got upgraded to a more Ramanand Sagarfriendly Jai Sri Ram.

It turned out that the demolition of the Babri Masjid and the bloodflow that followed required far less than all the perfumes of Arabia to be washed away. Once the BJP came to power at the Centre, the terriers were leashed and put back into the kennels while the moderate Atal Bihari Vajpayee administration got into its professional, anti-dynasty, wise AK Hangal role that even professional anti-bjpwalas admired.

Except that some of the attack-dogs were still left running outside. When the Bajrang Dal’s Dara Singh led a mob in Orissa’s Dangs district to brutally murder the Australian Christian missionary Graham Staines and his 10 and six-year-old sons on January 22, 1999, the Christmas Day-born Vajpayee had been 10 months into his five-year term as prime minister, while the Congress’ JB Patnaik had been Orissa’s chief minister for four years. The burning of the Sabarmati Express in Godhra in February

2002 that claimed 58 lives, mostly of Ayodhya-returning kar sevaks, led to full-blown riots officially killing 790 Muslims and 254 Hindus in Gujarat.

Communal riots and murders predate the RSS-BJP. It predates Mohandas Gandhi’s assassination by someone brainwashed by Hindu supremacist rant. Modern India itself was born in the bloody amniotic fluid of Hindu-muslim carnage. As Muzaffarnagar shows, it continues when the occasion ‘calls for it’.

And it’s hardly necessary that such violence remain in the most easily digestible Hindu-muslim framework, as the bloodletting in Assam between (Hindu) Bodos and (Muslim) Bengalis last year proved.

These ‘disruptions’ cutting across castes, communities, gender, economic status and religion are not contrary to The Idea of India, but fall outside its beautiful ambit. The last time The Idea of India came under genuine attack was when the recipient of Nehru’s Letters From A Father To His Daughter suspended the Constitution in 1975 for 21 months. India survived that episode, as did Indira.

Modi, who failed his duties as a chief minister in 2002 as others have before and after him, has provided no clue as to whether he plans to suspend the only Idea of India that matters. Frankly, Modi won’t hit or miss the prime ministerial mark because of his Tough Love or lack of Iftar Love. An overwhelming majority of Indians have priorities, worries and ideas other than The Idea of India — or its dismantling — that will determine their choice in 2014. And Modi is yet to comfort or scare them or matter enough, even as The Idea of India keeps glowing in bright neon lights whether they look up to (see) it or not.

Dear investors, Where should you invest your hard-earned money? We at Vegetarian Investments Ltd have the answer to your plaintive question. Why vegetarian, you ask? It is to ensure that while we respect your dietary sensibilities, we also earn outsize returns on them.

Do vegetarian investments make sense? Well, let’s consider nonvegetarian investments, however painful that may be. Take, for example, pork. Pork prices, according to the wholesale price index, were up a mere 4.8% in August, compared to a year ago. That is a good thing, for those who like pork vindaloo. But it’s a lousy return for those who invest in pork, apart from the meat going bad anyway.

Contrast the joys of vegetarian investing. Consider ginger. Wholesale dry ginger prices have gone up 38.9%. That is what you would have earned if you had invested in (the technical term is hoarded) ginger for the past one year. Even after cold storage costs, it’s a decent return. Or take tapioca. Tapioca wholesale prices are up a mouth-watering 116.2%. And green peas are such a top secret investment the government has stopped publishing its wholesale prices.

Investor surveys show many decent vegetarian folk put their money in bank fixed deposits, earning a piffling 9% per year or so. Some put it in shares, where the returns are linked to the state of the Indian economy. We all know how badly the economy is doing. And the uncomfortable truth is nobody knows whether fixed deposits or stocks are vegetarian.

On the other hand, investing in cereals and vegetables is profitable even when the economy is comatose. People have a tendency to eat, so demand remains strong, while we adjust the supply. Our economist tells us India has a competitive advantage in hoarding. That is why the humble ragi has returned 41.5% in a year.

And our star investment, the onion, has given us a massive 244.6%. That is how much wholesale onion prices have risen in the past year.

Last year, when we launched our Onion Fund, the heading of our research report was ‘Sell Gold, Buy Onions’. Those who listened to us have not only made huge profits, but they have also been patriotic, because while you have to import gold, onions are grown in our green and pleasant land. That’s apart from being able to deck your daughter out in the choicest onion garlands for her wedding. Best of all, you could eat some of them, without paying through your nose.

You may ask why you should not invest in vegetables yourself, rather than entrust your funds to us. Well, we are expert professional hoarders, with a hoary history of hoarding.

For instance, you may have decided to buy potatoes with onions because they go together. But potato prices have fallen. We, on the other hand, who can truly bring you the benefits of diversification, bought garlic, whose prices have gone up 39.7% in the past year. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to invest in our Onion Fund. By far the best way would be to put in a small amount every month — we call it the Systematic Onion Plan (SOP).

Lastly, the key to good fund management is a great fund manager. We intend to ask a maestro of agricultural investing to manage our Onion and Vegan Funds. His name, of course, is Sharad Pawar.