When walking out is a woman’s only option

The gruesome murder of Shraddha Walkar allegedly by her boyfriend Aftab Poonawalla has sent shockwaves throughout the country. The act is a reminder of societal failure, where our women and daughters are left wondering if there really is a safe world out there for them to live with dignity and autonomy. In future if such acts are to be prevented, then we as a nation need to take collective responsibility and ask ourselves, are we just passing the buck, when we are assuming and judging Shraddha for her choices.

As individuals and stakeholders, are we looking away from the role we can play to build an environment of physical and psychological safety for women?

Over the last two decades as a therapist, I have observed that even after reaching out for therapy, it takes women a lot of time and trust before they open up about physical violence at home. Often, women are not even aware of what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. They believe that this is what most intimate relationships are like. While it sounds counter-intuitive, this is true for women irrespective of their education levels and class. In fact, most of these women who reach out in therapy ask what they can do differently to stop the violence. Despite the abuse, they find it hard to leave the relationship, even when there are no children involved. Katie Ray-jones, President of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, USA in an interview to CNN said that an abused woman will leave a relationship approximately seven times, before she leaves for good.

In therapy, clients going through this talk about how alienated and lonely they feel as their friends and family struggle to understand this and are not willing to listen to their dilemma. Women stay in abusive relationships, because of financial dependence, co-dependency, trauma bonding, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, shame that they would be judged if they were to leave and then the unrealistic beliefs around love and marriage.

The work of building a safe environment for women means teaching children in schools, teenagers and even adults, about the signs of healthy relationships versus abusive relationships. The discourse also needs to focus on how rage, impulse and control shows up and if you see those cues in neighbours, friends and family, what to do and how to report and reach out for help. Whether it’s through community programmes, compulsory classes in school or through documentaries, we need to begin now.

We need to examine and introspect the beliefs that we pass down from generation to generation which propagate a culture of power, control, and shame. As adults we are expected to take accountability and responsibility for the decisions and choices we make. Yet we are not told that all of us make choices, which at some time may not serve us well and then it is okay to give ourselves permission to make new choices. When we find ourselves stuck in unsafe environments, stepping back and reaching out for help is the biggest act of accountability. While there is this need to continually figure how different choices would have helped, I’m not sure if red flags in relationships are visible from day one, it takes time before they emerge, and one begins to see it as a pattern. So, learning not to shame others for their choices is the least we can do. Sadly, this is not easy for any of us to accept, but adulthood teaches this again and again.

Overemphasizing grit, bending over backwards to make relationships work in an environment of abuse, control, manipulation and absence of respect and autonomy are all faulty beliefs which need to be challenged. Believing that others can change if we persist and continue to love is what keeps women in abusive relationships. The process of change requires wanting the change, acknowledging it and having the willingness to do the work. None of us are so powerful that we can bring about this change. It must come from the person.

Leaving abusive relationships is a sign of strength, and while it may take time, it is the biggest act of self-compassion towards your own self. You owe yourself this choice.

Asking someone to treat you well and not be abusive is a basic need and it is not negotiable. It’s not a demand but a basic need.

BELIEVING THAT OTHERS CAN CHANGE IF WE PERSIST AND CONTINUE TO LOVE IS WHAT KEEPS WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS