Money talk can save intimate relationships
A33-old male in therapy tells me, “My wife and I got into a big fight this weekend. We were hoping to move our daughter to a new school where the fee is considerably higher than at her current school. As I shared my anxiety given how volatile the market is, my wife took offence and said that I’m stingy with money. Both my wife and I earn well enough, but we have never discussed or shared our investments, and I don’t even know how much she makes. This lack of transparency around finances is now beginning to bother me.”
There are three concerns that consistently make it to therapy sessions. Grief, intimacy followed by money. What my client was referring to is an area that has come to be recognized as financial intimacy. This refers to the ease, transparency, and the openness we can have with our partner on our finances, how much we make, our expenditures and the ability to discuss, plan together for a shared future. These conversations are crucial to a marriage or a partnered relationship. These conversations have become even more important as more and more women enter the workforce, combined with uncertainties of events like recession, pandemic and or even market volatility. In my over twodecades as a therapist, I have seen in my work with couples that the ones who comfortable talking money with e a c h o t h e r a n d ma k e informed choices together, are more satisfied and trusting of each other. They experience a greater sense of safety and security as compared to those who choose to not have these conversations. Where couples evade conversations around money the environment if one of suspicion and doubt, the perfect breeding ground for conflict when big decisions are to be made.
TALKING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS ON MONEY CAN SHINE A LIGHT ON WHERE EACH PARTNER IS COMING FROM
My understanding is that when it comes to money, each person’s understanding is uniquely theirs—often the narrative around finances is shaped by our parent’s attitudes towards finances, life struggles, beliefs around spending and saving. This has been passed down over generations.
In therapy sessions, I tell couples that talking about our feelings about money can often shine a light on where each partner is coming from. It also becomes a moment of connection if one chooses to listen to their story with curiosity, openness, and a desire to understand. If couples are attuned to each other’s needs and preference when it comes to spending or saving, they would also know how to have big conversations when key life decisions are being made. This can be followed by conversations about current salary, expenditures and then how each person thinks about saving. What these conversations are based on is trust, mutual respect, and an ability to listen irrespective of who makes how much. Money can often create hierarchies in relationships and create a feeling of exclusion which can lead to resentment and distance in a marriage. Having a bigger conversation about how each one wants to manage money and shared financial goals can bring a couple closer. Money conversations are less about finances, and all about how the idea of money makes people feel. An open dialogue can defuses the power hierarchy that money can create.