Teens are lonelier than ever, need the human connection
A16-year-old in therapy tells me, “Sometimes I wonder if we belong to a generation that uses screens to fill our empty lives and all the anxiety that consumes us. I went out to meet friends last week at a coffee shop and here we were three of us, looking at three different screens as soon as our coffee came. I felt lonely and craved connection and communication. But I don’t know what to do or how to change. I’m also guilty of spending too much time on the phone.”
Since 2020, the number of teenagers who talk about loneliness, increased anxiety, and their concerns about increased social media usage has increased significantly. Also, more girls than boys bring these concerns to therapy. Across gender, the theme that seems to exist for young teenagers is being overwhelmed, sadness and a feeling that they are not seen either by their parents or by classmates. They talk about how while parents continually want them to socialize with people their own age, it’s not easy to plan or do that. Most teenagers mention how their peers prefer chatting on a text over a call or meeting in person. This is a reflection shared by psychologists all over the world. Global research seems to point out that there is a significant drop in how often teens hang out in person with their friends on a weekly basis. While we were beginning to see this trend emerge in 2018-2019, the pandemic has significantly worsened it. I often hear teenagers tell me that they struggle to understand how conversations flow easily over chat but when they meet the same friends in person, a lot of times there is silence, or it’s limited to showing videos to each other and that’s about it.
While social media and screens are allowing teenagers to keep themselves entertained and they also aid in learning new skills such as pick up a new language and at times even provide soothing, teenagers need more for their overall development.
The question that lies ahead of us is how do we create an environment that facilitates opportunities for teenagers to interact with people their own age more and more in person along with the communication that exists in online spaces. This responsibility doesn’t just lie with our teenagers, it lies with us as adults. As therapists, policymakers, parents, teachers we need to think of innovative ways that allow teenagers to go out more, meet friends, find community and witness how in-person interactions allow for nourishing and deeper connections. We all are guilty of distracted parenting, spending long durations on our phones and sometimes not heading out enough either for exercise or socializing. Choosing to model social behavior, sharing with our children experiences from our youth allows them to imagine and even get a glimpse of the unexpected joys and experiences that unfold when we are out in the world experiencing life.
The 16-year-old I mentioned before, called one of her friends over to her house. She told her how she feels lonely, and her friend hugged her saying, I understand and feel it too. They came up with a codeword and drew a list of what each one of them can do when loneliness strikes and made a list of all the funny, goofy things that will come to their rescue.
Friendships and community allow all of us, more so for teenagers who are trying to find their own place and identity a space to be seen and understood. In person interactions and spending time with peers allows one to deepen trust in relationships, provides opportunity for spontaneity, generosity and even a chance at vulnerability. While school and junior college offer that window, there is very little time to socialize, or space for conversations to gradually evolve. Sharing one’s feelings often requires time and those conversations can’t really happen on text or when one is rushing through a lunch break. While technology offers many solutions our loneliness needs human connection, understanding, gestures, actions that allow us to be witnessed.